Job Discussion Forums

[rich45]

Hi,

I am supposed to be going to a bonenkai on Wednesday evening, but I was wondering just how compulsory these events are? I've been to a few before and I don't feel comfortable there, primarily because I don't speak Japanese well enough to understand what everybody is talking about, and it feels hypocritical to be there when I barely communicate with them when I am actually at work. It wouldn't be so bad but everyone has to make a speech about something or other, and it drags on and on and on. The best part about the night is always the karaoke afterwards, but beforehand is so dull.

I will probably go there begrudgingly, but there are a few teachers who never attend, so I just wanted to know a bit more about this event. Do Japanese people inwardly hold a grudge if you don't go?

Thanks,

Rich

[Glenski]

Look at it from their perspective:

"Ah, gee, why do we have to go when we can hardly speak to the foreign teacher and when we hardly know them?"

It works both ways.

Bonenkais are not always liked by everyone, but for the most part Japanese accept them as a traditional way to close the old year. In some cases, you have to pay whether you go or not. In some cases, people are required to buy gifts for a blind exchange.

And, yes, there will likely be "speeches", but if they already know your ability to speak Japanese is weak, they will not expect something lengthy or elaborate. Just say it's been a pleasure to work with everyone and that in the next year you will do your best (gambaru).

And, you will never communicate any better (or more) with any of your coworkers unless you attend events like this. Get my drift?

Whether they hold a grudge will depend on them. Sniff around and see how they feel about those people you said never go. Perhaps they have legitimate reasons.

[seklarwia]

Many of the parties can be skipped out on. But Bonenkai is one of the more important ones. I doubt any of the teachers would skip out on it without good reason. Plus if you told them you would attend, they will have already included you in the reservation number by now so it would be quite rude and inconsiderate to suddenly pull out for no good reason.

And in my (admittedly limited) experience, Bonenkai is actually one of most fun. Ours involve games, talent shows and in general a high level of merriment - this year at one HS our partying starts tomorrow at 2.30pm when we will be playing some sports (the PE staff are the organisers this year) before we get driven up to a hot spring resort for the party proper.
For this reason, it is actually a great opportunity to try and forge bonds with people that normally you may have little to no interaction with. It is also a good time for both the staff and you to learn that just because you don't share a common language, doesn't mean you can't communicate and you might be surprised just how easy it is to do so.

I think that you should attend and make the effort to get more involved at the party. If you do, (unless your school has reason to dislike you) the effort will not go unnoticed nor unrewarded.

When the toasts are over and the drinking is in full swing, chances are people will try to offer you drinks as an ice-breaker; don't decline! I'm not a drinker, so what I do is keep my glass full, then when someone offers, drink a small amount so that they can top it up and take a small sip to be polite. If you really don't drink or drive, then tell them that but tell them you would like a soft drink (choose one that is on the table and ready to serve).

Then when you get a chance, grab a bottle and make the rounds yourself serving drinks to as many people as possible using this as a chance to properly introduce yourself to and learn the names of the staff you have never spoken to or just to make silly small talk (commenting on how cold it is, tends to be the ol'faithful opening topic at this time of year... might not work if you live down in Okinawa though). Remember all of the staff would have studied English but most will not have used it since they left school. So more often than not, it's not that they have no English at all, but that they are not confident and are sometimes even embarrassed that they don't know more. But you'll find that these feelings will be quickly forgotten as you offer them a little dutch courage

At the same time you should make the effort to use a little Japanese; it doesn't matter how bad it is. In fact it was some of my more humourous mistakes in Japanese that got me in with many of the non-English speaking staff; they saw how I was more than willing to have a go, make mistakes and laugh about it, so most of them stopped caring about their lack of fluent English...

... I'm going to start garbling off on a tangent soon and already feel as if I'm coming across as lecturing.
Basically, go to the damn party, do you best to have good time (nothing stupid mind), be friendly and mingle, then the rest should fall into place.

[TokyoLiz]

I can't imagine passing up a chance to see Japanese coworkers unwind and talk and blow off the old year.

So you don't speak Japanese well yet. So what? I've been going to bonenkais with work and dojo and friends since before I could say much more than a few dozen words.

I'm with Seklarwia. Most fun you'll have all year.

[move]

I agree, you should go. The drinking parties are an excellent way to improve your relationships with your co-workers. At school, the other teachers are so busy that it's often hard to get a chance to talk to them. At a drinking party everybody is relaxed and up for a chance to talk and mingle.

A couple things I noticed about enkais. You might be surprised who actually can speak decent English, even though you have never talked to them. Another is that someone you never talk to at school has his arm draped around you singing your praises for the night, and then goes back to barely acknowledging your presence at school next week.

If you're seated next to someone you don't want to sit next to/can't communicate with, then after an hour or so you can walk around with your two bottles, one of tea and the other of beer, and talk to some more interesting people.

I don't really like going to my schools nijikais however. By that time, most people are in their own smaller groups and can't be bothered to talk with me. Which is fine though. Every school is a little different though. One school might have great parties, the other so-so ones.

[rich45]

Thanks for your replies, very insightful.

I am going to go as I have enjoyed the ones I have been to before.

[steki47]

Go. Drink. Try your Japanese. Give your speech in simple English.

If they bothered to invite, it would be rude to not go.

[natsume]

My thinking about bonenkai is kind of like my thinking on attending the morning meeting. From a western perspective, there is no reason for me to attend, from the Japanese perspective, my attendance is vital. Obviously, a bonenkai is (potentially) much more fun than a morning meeting, but it is almost the same principle.

This year was pretty grim, for me, as far as my table went (random seating), but I do think my kyoto and kocho senseis were genuinely happy to see me as they made the rounds, and that counts (office politics wise) for something.

I always enjoy the nijikai, as I have a pretty solid "clique" of teachers, from various departments and with wildly varying English ability, who I enjoy and who will go to that. Makes a "grim" bonenkai easier to bear.

[Glenski]

[seklarwia]

[Inflames]

I understand pretty much everything that is being said and find most of what people say to be dull at bounenkais. That being said, I love attending them and always make an effort to do so.

I primarily like it as it's an easy chance to get to know your coworkers. People were talking about their families and stuff at the one I went to this year. The principal even pulled out high school pictures of himself! The person I was seated next to didn't really like drinking (he only drank 3 beers over 2 hours) but nobody complained (people brought it up and he said he preferred not to drink and everyone left it at that).

[Glenski]

[seklarwia]

Glenski, did you read what I said before you posted or do you just skim a few words and then use your imagination to fill in the rest?

[Glenski]

Why would anyone refuse all types of drinks, including non-alcoholic? That, to me, is the confusing point. Otherwise, I pretty much agreed with you and merely added a few points about alcohol-related matters.

I think you were confused just because I wrote something after quoting you, and you seem to have taken that as me contradicting you, which I was not. I know you didn't say anything about how people will view a non-drinker. I thought it was necessary to add something about that, though, and that's when you leaped down my throat and said "all drinks", which leads to my opening line on this post.

[Shimokitazawa]