Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Grimalkin]

In a conversation class on Friday, talking about high divorce rates, one of my students, a nice old gent in his seventies told the class that he had been married more or less happily for 47 years. He had only met his wife once before the day of the wedding, two weeks previous to it. His four older brothers had only met their wives for the first time on the day of their weddings (He came from a family of eight siblings). He told me it was not uncommon at that time.


The discussion continued and other men in the class (it was an all male class) complained that Korean women nowadays care too much about the earning potential of prospective husbands but admitted that their own initial attraction to women was based on looks.


That reminded me of an 'evolutionary 'explanation for what men and women looked for in their spouses. Women wanted men who were good providers so that their children would survive and their genes would pass into the next generation, Men wanted healthy wives (and good looks are a sign of health) for the same reason.


Until the 20th century it was unusual for people to choose their own spouses, and parents arranging marriages were often primarily concerned about finding a healthy child-bearing wife or a financially secure husband for their children.


So...is it really all that important to be in love with the person you marry before you marry them?


Is 'being in love' just the iceing on the cake? Could you do without it?


(It'll be interesting to see if married people have very different views to unmarried people on this topic.)

[mnhnhyouh]

There is also a good evolutionary reason for having access to the genes of more than one partner for you children. This increases the chance that at least one of your offspring will have good genes.

So for the male, in a "traditional" pair bonding, this involves extra-marital sex with the hope that another male will pick up the tab.

For the female, in the same situation, this involves extra-marital sex, with the hope that her partner will pick up the tab of another.

There is plenty of good evidence for this in other animals, birds and mammals, and I am sure we have the perception that it occurs in humans as well.

h

[Grimalkin]

[mnhnhyouh]

[ED209]

A woman may want a 'playboy' to father her children but not to marry. She would need a 'nice guy' as her husband since she can trust him more. However the 'playboy' may provide her children with better genes. However the 'playboy' cannot be trusted. Her genes want to multiple so a philandering playboy would be her best option since she would produce philandering offspring from his genes. Whilst the nice guy is needed to provide security.

1 in 10 children are not the natural child of their father.
Often the parents and child are not aware.

Where is your girlfriend tonight?

[Buff]

Interesting thought, OP.

While I think choosing the person you marry and loving them before marriage is certainly preferable, there's something to be said for the kind of commitment that it would take to marry someone and then grow to love them and stay with them for life.

I have a friend whose marriage was arranged by his family not based on status so much as the families believing them to be a good match based on personality. They've been married for eight years and are quite happy. They grew to love each other and are deeply committed to one another, so arranged marriages aren't necessarily bad. Granted there are many reasons why arranged marriages might not work out, but then again, the same could be said for marriages where the couple knows and loves each other beforehand.

I think a lot of it has to do with the determination to work through the difficult times rather than relying on a feeling to carry you. No one who is married is going to madly in love with their spouse 100% of the time and that's where the CHOICE to love someone who at times is unlovable comes in.

Love isn't all fireworks, flowers, and gazing into your partner's eyes. Sometimes its cleaning up the other person's puke when they're horribly sick or deciding not to nag them for leaving their dirty socks on the floor. I look at my grandparents who were certainly in love when they were married as an example. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and in her final years, did not even recognize my grandfather. All that was left of the woman he married were tiny pieces of the girl he fell in love with. The day they wed, I'm sure he never thought about cleaning her when she lost control of her bowels or dealing with her angry refusal to take her medication (she would spit them at him), but that's where his commitment to love her was proven.

So while I am glad that my marriage was not arranged, I think there is something admirable about those who have and have made it work.

Sorry about the novel...

[SuperHero]

read "the third chimpanzee"

[Grimalkin]

[Grimalkin]

[SuperHero]

[Grimalkin]

[lastat06513]

I had the same discussion with an all-woman class once and a middle-aged woman summed up the secret to a woman's mind;


No Money, No Honey



Think about it from a Korean's point of view; A woman loses her employability after age 30 and more so after age 35 or 40, unless she is a teacher.
So, by then, according to Korean social standards. who is going to bring home the bacon?
Obviously the man.
So who is she going to marry?
She is going to marry a man who has the right education and the potential to make her life comfortable.

[Alyallen]

I think that anything is possible and the problem is that people have fallen into this trap of "the minute there is trouble, it's time to jump ship."

It's amusing in a way that there are plenty of marriage counselors running around nowadays but there are just so many divorces now. It's awe-inspiring.

I think love sometimes sets up marriages for failure because some people are simple too overwhelmed to see the reality of their situation. All the love in the world doesn't change the fact your significant other is not really fit to mix genes with you or support you emotionally or physically.

I think if I have to choose, I would rather marry my best friend than my love. Then again I guess most women would want to marry both.

As far as biology or evolution or hormones....Men and women no longer have that luxury to cat around town free as can be looking and looking forward for the one they ultimately want and desire once they have kids from previous relationships to think about. I suppose that's why marriage is often so convenient...Just put all your eggs in one basket and call it a day.

Sorry, I'm sorta just blabbing. I'm really sure what to think...

[oldfatfarang]

My Indian professor once told me: "You Westerners marry the one you love. We (Indians) love the one we marry." Who's right?

I've met a lot of Korean women (and men) in arranged marriages and they sure weremt happy. But then again, 1 in 3 'love' marriages ends in divorce.