Korean Job Discussion Forums

SeoulShakin · Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Location: Seoul

Has anyone been through this?

My Grandmother is dying. She has a brain bleed, and because of her age (91) and heart condition the doctor's say they can't do anything. They are just making her comfortable during her final moments. Don't know how long she'll last. Could be a few hours. Could be a week or more.

I'm crushed. My Grandparents have lived 5 minutes away from me my entire life, and are like a 2nd set of parents to me.

I couldn't sleep all night. I knew something wasn't right. My mom called at 4am to tell me. I've been awake ever since, in and out of tears, and am waiting for the phone call to tell me it's over. I can't go to work like this. I'm a wreck.

How do you deal with this stuff being so far away? I haven't dealt with death since I was in the 6th grade, and then I had my family around me. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself, but I just find myself in tears.

I know I could fly home, but I don't have enough money put away for that since I've been sending it home to pay off debt. Even if I went home, she wouldn't recognize me (alzheimer's). I'm just exhausted and feeling all out of sorts.

Besides drinking (I don't like to do that often as it is), what can I do to keep myself sane?

Ya-ta Boy · Joined: 16 Jan 2003 Location: Established in 1994

First of all, my condolences on your loss.

Death is always a tough thing to deal with. Call in and get the day off, if at all possible, and take today and the weekend to grieve. Spend your time remembering your grandmother. If you are like me, when I lost my dad, the memories and emotions went on a kind of roller coaster. Good memories and even unrelated things came to mind, then there would be a wave of sadness, then the cycle would repeat.

Again, sorry for your loss.

SeoulShakin · Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Location: Seoul

Called my co-teacher in tears, and she told me to stay home.

She isn't gone yet, but it literally could be any second. They don't know how long she'll last. Could be a few minutes, could be a week or more. Thanks for the condolences anyway.... I'll need them soon. Sad

I just don't know how to brace myself for this, or how to deal with it without my family here.

My parents are there with her now. Everytime I hear a phone ring, my heart jumps into my throat.

Alyallen · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 2:25 pm Post subject:

I'm sorry about your grandmother Crying or Very sad

I had to deal with the same thing earlier this year. My grandmother and great grand mother (mother and daughter) both passed away within months of each other.

My father told me the news on both ocassions and said the same thing in each instance, "Don't be sad. She had a long life with a lot of love in it. JJust remember all the good times you had together." It is sort of cliche but true. I did take a day off, sat around and cried about it but I realized that my dad was right.

So I guess I can say that it's ok to be sad but remember all those great memories you have of your grandmother....

MarionG · Joined: 14 Sep 2006

Death is always hard...horrible in fact...for those left behind. Over the years I've lost my mother, my father, a 7 year old son, and my husband.
The only thing that makes it easier is knowing that it does get better. Time doesn't make the wound go away, but it makes it a part of your history.
I still cherish memories of my father, who died when I was 22. The 40th anniversary of his death was two weeks ago - seems impossible that it's been so long.
Think about good times with your grandmother-before Alzheimer's and before she was otherwise infirm. Remind yourself of her long life, and how special that has helped your life to be. And then acknowledge to yourself, that with her present problems-the bleed and Alzheimer's-that it's time for her to go. It's probably not time in your mind, but it seems to be the right time for her. Living with paralysis and mindlessness is hardly living.
I talk to my father, and to my husband, in my mind. For whatever reason, that's comforted me. In your own mind tell your grandmother how special she was to you, and how you'll keep talking to her always.

theatrelily · Joined: 03 Jun 2004 Location: Haeundae-gu, Busan

My mother passed away during my first year in Korea.

I went to the sauna to try and calm my nerves down, went for long walks, reminisced with my sister on the phone and had a few drinks with friends.

Although you won't be going home, it could be therapeutic to write your grandmother a letter saying all the things you would like to share with her in her final moments. You don't have to send it, but often the act of putting your feelings on paper is enough to help with the pain.

I am sincerely sorry and wish I could give you a HUGE hug. Crying or Very sad

Get your comfort food of choice (wine and chocolate?), surround yourself with friends and take the time to grieve.

You'll be in my thoughts. Sad

SeoulShakin · Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Location: Seoul

Thanks for your kind words.

I think I just need to take today to wallow a bit. My whole family is with her right now, and it kills me that I can't be with them all right now as well. My sister has promised to call me, so I'm anticipating a call (and dreading it at the same time).

I'm pretty thankful my co-teacher was good about it though. She felt terrible that I was upset and just told me to stay home. I've showed her photos of my family before, so she's seen a photo of my grandparents and knows how close they are to me. I'm glad Koreans have such a high value placed on family relations. I would have hated to feel like I HAD to go to work today.

rockstarsmooth · Joined: 01 Aug 2006 Location: anyang, baybee!

my grampa died the day after i arrived here, so i can definitely empathize. actually, reading your post made me start crying. you've already gotten lots of good advice, so i won't repeat any of it. know that she knows you love her.
rss Cool

right now i'm listening to: the misfits - hatebreeders

SeoulShakin · Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Location: Seoul

Bramble · Joined: 26 Jan 2007 Location: National treasures need homes

Sorry you're going through this, SeoulShakin.

peppermint · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:03 pm Post subject:

God, that's so awful, SS. My kid sister had emergency surgery about two weeks after I arrived in Korea, and could very easily have died, so I remember all too well what you're going through.

I don't really have any constructive suggestions, all I could manage was pacing. Someone else suggested writing a letter, and that sounds like a very good idea.Can you borrow money from a friend to get home for the funeral? it might be helpful to be around your family for a little, and you'll run up massive phone bills if you stay.

Either way, my thoughts are with you and your family

uberscheisse · Joined: 02 Dec 2003 Location: japan is better than korea.

i am with peppermint. is there someone you can borrow from to go home?

i was in the same state as you financially when my grandfather died 2 christmases ago, and i dealt with it by sitting in my apartment (i'm reclusive when bad shit happens).

i wish i'd had the chance to get home for it, but it just wasn't in the cards. i regret it because the memorial was apparently a really good bonding/healing experience for my family, a bunch of not very intelligent french-canadian lunkheads who just don't like each other.

i advise going into further debt to get home. debt's debt. it doesn't reaaally exist. regret and loss do exist.

perhaps a little story could cheer you up -

when i got the call, the bell was ringing for class. an international number came up on my cell, and it's my brother. he's blubbering "grampa's in the hospital, i think he's going to die. he's had a brain hemhorrage."

i'm freaked out, and kids are in the classroom, and i have to function for the next 6 hours. so i'm all flustered, shaken, sitting in my chair looking out-of-sorts.

"teacher, are you ok?"
"well, i just got a telephone call from canada. it seems my grandfather may be dead."

and the kid, this really prim and proper young girl, says, all matter-of-factly, "teacher, i think you want to cry!"

i was right on the verge, but i was able to keep my composure. this little girl stating fact had me surprised and reeling. i was really on the fence in front of 7 9-year old kids.

"um... nope! let's do our spelling test." with a big fake smile that was like tupperware on what i was really feeling. kept it together for 4 hours and got a sub for my last class.

i think that's a situation to avoid being in if one has the choice.

Boodleheimer · Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 4:28 pm Post subject:

yeah, i've had my great-grandmother die just before Christmas my first year abroad, then my grandmother (who was more like a mom to me) died the day before my 23rd birthday (also while i was abroad). after gran died, i went through serious depression for a year. now one grandfather's cancer has metastasized and the other is going downhill quite fast.

you're not a bad person for not being there. your grandmother and the rest of your family understand that.

shit, i'm tearing up, too.

uberscheisse · Joined: 02 Dec 2003 Location: japan is better than korea.

SeoulShakin · Joined: 05 Jan 2006 Location: Seoul

The going more into debt makes me feel terrible, because the debt I'm paying off is a student line of credit that my Grandfather co-signed for. He's obviously going through a lot right now, so the thought of setting myself back about $1700 sucks. I want to get it paid down, and paid off, so that it doesn't come back on him.

This whole situation just sucks.

Sad