Korean Job Discussion Forums

kermo · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 4:43 am Post subject: Love + Depression = ???

I've been under a cloud for the last few weeks, and it's looking like I might have to make a very tough decision. I know that nobody is going to have the magic formula for me but I think just talking about it will help.

I've been prone to depression for a very long time, essentially since I was a child. It got unbearable in my teens (unsurprisingly) but with treatment I was able to find my way out of that deep dark hole and I didn't feel like setting myself on fire all the time.

(Just to be on the safe side, since I'm the OP and my name and picture have been so prominent lately, I'm going to have to keep quiet about the exact nature of that treatment, for the sake of my job.)

While I was off the treatment, I tended to fall into smaller holes, but while I was on it, I had a safety net. I've realized that I'm going to be this way (barring some divine intervention) for the rest of my life. Untreated, I just lack emotional resilience and I fall down like everyone else, but I can't always get up again. With the treatment, I can roll with the punches.

Anyway, from 2000-2004, I was in a very ill-advised marriage. I had to increase the level of treatment to keep me from jumping in front of buses, and even then, I kept bursting into tears at bus stops or in the middle of a shower. I was in very rough shape, and for good reason. He made no effort and was a drain on me, mentally, financially, and physically. I did my best to make it work, and sometimes I disappointed myself, but he was making it impossible to maintain hope for our relationship, for my dreams for the future, by ignoring the problems (his unemployment, unreliableness, tendency to abuse substances and shut me out of his life, etc.)

After I got out of that relationship, I kept men at bay (or at a comfortable distance) until very recently. No commitments, no mushy feelings, no romance allowed. I had a very normal life, full of joy and the occasional storm.

Recently, I relented under intense courtship and have consented to make a lad The First Official Boyfriend of the Millennium. We met in February and made it official in August. Recently, I've started to relapse. I've noticed it popping up, especially on weekends when I'm with the boyfriend, for the last three weeks or so. It felt like flipping a switch-- suddenly I'm feeling anti-social, and mildly befuddling decisions make me want to hide under the covers. A slight lack of tact had me nauseous with sadness yesterday. I don't recognize these reactions as normal or reasonable, yet I can't solve the problem and get back to my usual self.

The boyfriend is an absolute dream. He's ultra-considerate, hard-working, courageous, generous... my ex said he was all of these things but his actions proved the opposite. My expectations have been very low but this guy is building trust and expressing caring and respect. Everything should be great... except it's not.

I'm trying to understand whether this is just a case of bad-relationship-flashbacks or whether there's something wrong about this relationship.

I'm trying to decide whether on-going depression would be a viable reason to break off the relationship-- I know he'd like to stick by me but I'm not able to offer much in this state and I don't think it's fair to him since I can't promise a recovery.

I'm trying to decide what kind of treatment, if any, will clear away these angry, dark clouds swirling around my mind.

Big_Bird · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:00 am Post subject:

No matter how attractive we are, we get very few chances of real love. Think very hard before terminating a promising relationship. You may both wonder for the rest of your lives how it might have been. Better for it to go ahead and fail than to discontinue and have regrets, IMO.

This has only been going on a few weeks. That's a very short time - not time enough to see if you can resolve it and have this properly treated.

Do you think it's the relationship that's precipitated it?

kermo · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:03 am Post subject:

Big_Bird · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:07 am Post subject:

Flash Ipanema · Joined: 29 Sep 2006 Location: Seoul

In my opinion, he shouldn't sign the contract if it's just for you. Make sure he's also signing it because it's something he wants to do. I think it's too early in the relationship to make that kind of commitment based on the assumption that things will be rosy for another year. Because if, unfortunately, things didn't work, you would feel guilty because he decided to stay for you and he would be stuck in a place he didn't want. And since you're already having doubts, that would be a very bad situation.

I just think he needs to make sure he's staying for his own reasons and not just your relationship.

kermo · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:17 am Post subject:

Big_Bird · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:18 am Post subject:

eamo · Joined: 08 Mar 2003 Location: Shepherd's Bush, 1964.

I'd say you're just thinking too much. Try to live in the moment more and let things happen naturally. Thinking is the curse of any relationship. Go with the flow.

kermo · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:19 am Post subject:

peppermint · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:38 am Post subject:

Kermo, the choice to stay or go is his and his alone. From the little I know of your relationship, it sounds like he's in this for the long haul. He's a grown man and responsible for his own actions. We've all got enough of our own burdens, no need to try to take on other people's.

canuckistan · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:52 am Post subject:

canuckistan · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:32 am Post subject:

samd · Joined: 03 Jan 2007

It sounds strange, but he may relish the opportunity to be there for you in your time of need.

Sometimes letting people help you is one of the best things you can do.

I know that for me personally, it makes me feel good to be able to help my girlfriend when she has problems.

I would feel terrible if my girlfriend left me because she didn't want to burden me with her problems. I would hope that she trusts me enough to ask for my support, as it would tell me that she believes in my ability to take care of her.

If you don't want to be with him, end the relationship. Otherwise, level with him and tell him how you feel. Let him show you how much he loves you in his reaction.

Good luck.

Julius · Joined: 27 Jul 2006

Sympathies to you OP. It sounds like because you had a bad experience before, all those old fears have suddenly risen to the surface again now that you are faced with a new relationship. Ideally you could have worked through and conquered your old demons since then. Fear of failure, will often cause failure.
In this case.. just be cool and open yourself up to enjoying the moment.Put all that past history into a box somewhere and mentally shut the lid on it. Just about everything is a gamble anyway, see what happens. Life is for living.

Fredbob · Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 7:44 am Post subject:

His decision is his decision and trying to take it out of his hands is a kind of defense mechanism, there is a tricky line between being co-dependent and loving someone who has an emotional disorder. If you're both of the same "mind" regarding your potential future, he'll need some support from people who have experienced it, luckily, there are a fair number of them online.

For you though, that's tougher, I think you need a better forum than this for your situation (pretty sure you know that already though). If you have a previous therapist, the best bet might be to contact them and see if they would be willing to do counseling over the phone. I say that because recently I've been researching counseling type services in Korea and I'm not sure the odds are good that you can find someone you'll click with her, seems like most of the therapists in Korea have some kind of "spiritual" aka religious counseling degrees.

Another potential aid, if you have a diagnosis, and agree with it, there are definitely online support groups available.

Last thing, if you pm me with more details on your treatment, I'll do what I can to help you out, no promises (I'm in the very early stages of building some kind of network here for psychotherarpy).