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Married people, help me out.
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Faunaki



Joined: 15 Jun 2007

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 3:45 am    Post subject: Married people, help me out. Reply with quote

I've been married for 6 months and there are two problems that won't go away:

1. Money. I've been making my own money for 14 years now and taking care of myself. Suddenly it's our money. I want to spend 500,000 a month on my own things but this seems to be a problem. I've asked my parents about this and they say it's normal to fight about money for the first couple of years. I don't want to fight about it. Is the money thing just a newly wed thing? How do I get rid of it?

2. Family. Today, after sitting on my mother-in-laws floor for six hours I wanted to go home. My husband's uncle had just arrived but I can't speak Korean well, he gives me the creeps and I was bored as hell. I made an excuse and left. My husband asked why and I told him the truth. Your uncle makes me uncomfortable. (He stares at me for way too long and in a weird way). Thus the xmas tree is on the floor and the coffee table is missing a leg.

What's the Korean protocol for married people?

Did I make a serious faux pas here?


Last edited by Faunaki on Sat Dec 01, 2007 4:20 am; edited 1 time in total
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catycat



Joined: 05 Dec 2006

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 4:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Have been married for just 3 months, with a few debates about money, so, I guess we're not the only ones.

As for the whole family thing, his parents rarely come to visit, and vice versa. They are lovely though, and havent met any family members that creep me out.

Sorry I can be of much help, Im just glad other couples are arguing about money!!
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winterwawa



Joined: 06 May 2007

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry to tell you this, but it isn't your money anymore. In korean families, USUALLY, the wife takes the money and gives the husband an allowance. But it sounds to me like in your home it is going to be the husband taking the money and giving you an allowance. Why? Because he's korean and you don't know how korea works.

I'm on my second Korean wife. Total, I have LOST over 80 million won to my ex-wifes' because I DIDN'T know how Korea works. Now I'm single and broke, but I know EXACTLY how Korea works.

As for the family thing. Every family is different, but usually, the wife waits for the husband. Sounds to me like you married a "traditional" Korean male. He is boss and you will have little to nothing to say about what you do, or when you do it.

You are both in for some rough times ahead. I wish you the best.
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Atavistic



Joined: 22 May 2006
Location: How totally stupid that Korean doesn't show in this area.

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 4:46 am    Post subject: Re: Married people, help me out. Reply with quote

Faunaki wrote:
I don't want to fight about it. Is the money thing just a newly wed thing? How do I get rid of it?


Talk about it until you've decided what the limit is. Do you have to ask each other for permission after you've spent 200,000 a month? 500,000? How much fun money do you each get every month WITHOUT having to report to each other?

Quote:
My husband asked why and I told him the truth. Your uncle makes me uncomfortable. (He stares at me for way too long and in a weird way). Thus the xmas tree is on the floor and the coffee table is missing a leg.


WHY did you marry a violent person? Or why did he marry a violent person? Good God.
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Faunaki



Joined: 15 Jun 2007

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 4:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

winterwawa wrote:
Sorry to tell you this, but it isn't your money anymore. In korean families, USUALLY, the wife takes the money and gives the husband an allowance. But it sounds to me like in your home it is going to be the husband taking the money and giving you an allowance. Why? Because he's korean and you don't know how korea works.

I'm on my second Korean wife. Total, I have LOST over 80 million won to my ex-wifes' because I DIDN'T know how Korea works. Now I'm single and broke, but I know EXACTLY how Korea works.

As for the family thing. Every family is different, but usually, the wife waits for the husband. Sounds to me like you married a "traditional" Korean male. He is boss and you will have little to nothing to say about what you do, or when you do it.

You are both in for some rough times ahead. I wish you the best.


Can you offer some advice here? One of the problems is that his family - who live very near to us - have never asked us to their house for dinner or come by our house for coffee or tea. I think this is so rude.

When my husband went to my home town for three days, all of my family met him. Every aunt, cousin, etc. Asking him a thousand questions and welcoming him to the family.

Is it a culture thing?
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kprrok



Joined: 06 Apr 2004
Location: KC

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The odd thing is that when most people get married, the money issue goes like this...

What's his is hers, what's hers is hers.

I've been married for about a year and a half now, and for me, it's basically like this...

What's mine is ours, what's hers is ours.

Wait a minute, that's a good thing! We both put a lot into our savings account, which is admittedly in her name, and then the rest of our money goes to whatever we need it for.

Good luck with what looks like it will be a rough future.

KPRROK
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NightSky



Joined: 19 Apr 2005

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Faunaki wrote:
Can you offer some advice here? One of the problems is that his family - who live very near to us - have never asked us to their house for dinner or come by our house for coffee or tea. I think this is so rude.

When my husband went to my home town for three days, all of my family met him. Every aunt, cousin, etc. Asking him a thousand questions and welcoming him to the family.

Is it a culture thing?


They may be afraid they'll have to speak English to you. Then again, they may just be assholes.
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Faunaki



Joined: 15 Jun 2007

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:18 am    Post subject: Re: Married people, help me out. Reply with quote

Atavistic wrote:
Faunaki wrote:
I don't want to fight about it. Is the money thing just a newly wed thing? How do I get rid of it?


Talk about it until you've decided what the limit is. Do you have to ask each other for permission after you've spent 200,000 a month? 500,000? How much fun money do you each get every month WITHOUT having to report to each other?

Quote:
My husband asked why and I told him the truth. Your uncle makes me uncomfortable. (He stares at me for way too long and in a weird way). Thus the xmas tree is on the floor and the coffee table is missing a leg.


WHY did you marry a violent person? Or why did he marry a violent person? Good God.


Nice to hear from you Ataloser. Once again you offer wonderful advice. Last time I looked you labelled me a Troll.

This thread is for married people. From your attacks on everyone I doubt you are married or if you are you are a very, very, unhappy married person.

Therefore STFU.
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mysteriousdeltarays



Joined: 07 Feb 2003
Location: Food Pyramid Bldg. 5F, 77 Sunset Strip, Alphaville

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the part about the Christmas tree and the table missing a leg.

I think that they are probably just "uptight: I hate using a 60's cliche like that. They don't know what the "heck" to think of you.

Having been married a couple of times myself, you might be careful about the money thing although this is the first time, possibly in the annals of human existence that the male isn't being taken for a ride financially.

Look not a good idea to do accounting on this project. I really like the idea of the 80 million won, that a previous poster had calculated.

Koreans may invite you to their homes etc. but it is just a formality. I wouldn't expect your in laws to just drop in for a cup of tea. Well if they do they will just walk in the door without knocking.

Like I said I enjoyed the vision of the Christmas tree on the floor and the coffee table missing a leg throw that in with uncle staring at you in a strange way and I think you have a picture of Korean marital bliss.

Do yourself a favor. Don't get pregnant until you figure out what is going on.

Your always perk and chirpy disgruntled Viet Nam war veteran,

Nemo
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Atavistic



Joined: 22 May 2006
Location: How totally stupid that Korean doesn't show in this area.

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:55 am    Post subject: Re: Married people, help me out. Reply with quote

Faunaki wrote:

Nice to hear from you Ataloser. Once again you offer wonderful advice. Last time I looked you labelled me a Troll.

This thread is for married people. From your attacks on everyone I doubt you are married or if you are you are a very, very, unhappy married person.

Therefore STFU.


No darling. I created a POLL asking if you were a troll, YourAFuka. But the more you post, the more I think you are.

I was smart enough to NOT marry into an abusive relationship.

Kiss, kiss, sweetie.
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nomad-ish



Joined: 08 Oct 2007
Location: On the bottom of the food chain

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 6:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

mysteriousdeltarays wrote:
Do yourself a favor. Don't get pregnant until you figure out what is going on.


this is good advice. i read somewhere on here, in korea if couples divorce, the man usually gets the kids.

maybe i'm naive, but couldn't u just talk to your husband?
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anae



Joined: 13 May 2003
Location: cowtown

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 7:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have been happily married for eight years to a Korean man.

1. Money. I have never met a happily married couple who were not in tune about money. It is one of the essential building blocks of the newly formed unit. I have also never met a happily married couple that thought about his money and her money (outside of fun money). We talked a lot about money before we married. Things like what our goals were and how we felt about money. We are both savers. For us money is a sense of security. Neither one of us would spend more than a couple of hundred dollars without consulting the other. We also discussed financial obligations to our families so that both of us were on the same page.

2. I am afraid you made quite a big faux pas about the family. It is very rude to get up in front of an elder to leave the room. There is a lot of etiquette to being a DIL and a lot of it sucks. I can't tell you how many hours of staring at the wall while my BILs played cards while we DILs waited around to fetch food or drink for them. Thankgoodness my MIL would eventually notice my fatigue and tell me to go to bed. I don't have to find a solution to the DIL quandry because we decided not to live in Korea. If things are expected of you, your husband should be busy explaining what they are and the two of you should be reaching some kind of consensus about how the two of you are going to handle things. You should decide how far you are willing to go to keep family peace and he should be busy communicating with his family about their need to understand where you are comming from as well.

The part about not being invited to their house is pretty strange. Usually there is an expected amount of visits you are expected to make now that you are a married couple. My in-laws lived four hours away, so it was expected we would visit every month. My BIL lived in the same town and he is expected to visit at least weekly.
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crusher_of_heads



Joined: 23 Feb 2007
Location: kimbop and kimchi for kimberly!!!!

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 8:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just get up and leave. If they are the type that take offense, they will probably try to suck you dry for money annyway-the type of people who should have ben stillborn in the first place-that and every other Korean xenophobic piece of crap!!!
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mysteriousdeltarays



Joined: 07 Feb 2003
Location: Food Pyramid Bldg. 5F, 77 Sunset Strip, Alphaville

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 8:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not so computer savvy that I know what a troll is.

Just somebody asking for advice.

I mean we might try once in awhile when not busy banking our $100,000 a year and booking our flights to see our transvestite lovers in Bangkok to talk to somebody.
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boatdrinks



Joined: 01 Jan 2007

PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 8:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cultural understanding is a two-way street - there is a time and a place to be 'obedient' and it's not all the time!
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