Korean Job Discussion Forums

[catman]

When I was younger I had my grandmother and an uncle die within a month of each other. Had to go to the funeral home with my parents. Despite being 10 years old they thought it was still appropriate for me to go. However, it really messed me up for about a year. Wouldn't even sleep by myself.

I've been to funerals since but skip on the visitations. When my grandfather died about a decade ago I went because I figured I had to. Hated the experience. It brought back some terrible memories.

Now my other grandfather has just passed away. This is painful because I was kind of close to him. I really really do not want to do the visitation. The last time I saw him was a month ago and he was in relatively good health. His mind was as sharp as ever. I would like to keep that memory.

I know that viewing the body is supposed to bring "closure" but I am completely satisfied that I have accepted his death. Even when I was a kid I totally understood that my grandmother had died and was gone forever.

Anyone here gone through similar emotions?

[2i2dk1ny2i3]

i've been very fortunate to still have both Grandparents on Dad's side still living

on Mom's side, Grandfather passed before i was born and Grandma passed in Korea


i've only been to see my Grandfather on Mom's side in my teens around 16-17 in Korea and found the experience emotional


i'm afraid because i'm at the other spectrum of you since i've never actually gone to someone's funeral and seen the body none the less
...have had family members mostly extended pass but i was in another State or not very close and not sure how i'll deal with someone passing


i think your way of dealing with it is better in the long run as i think i've actually gotten to a point where i'm emotionally dead inside vs. you who seem to have felt something very deep for these people in your life

not really in a place to give you advice about this but if it were me, i would want to deal with it on my own terms 1st and would keep the thought, that person would understand

go when your ready since it seems you've gone through a lot in regards to people passing in your life

[northway]

IMO, viewings are creepy and borderline barbaric.

[jstubley80]

I came home from Korea a year or so ago (and am now coming back) due to the declining health of my last remaining grandparent, to whom I was very close indeed.

Sadly, she passed away last month. I was with her when she went, and fortunately had the chance to say goodbye a few days before. Under no circumstances would I have gone to visit her body in the chapel of rest. Not even if I'd not had the chance to say my goodbyes previously.

Your loved one is not there, mate. Don't visit what's left unless you really need to in order to have some kind of closure. Like you said; the memory of your loved on in relatively good health with a sharp mind is much more important. That's how they'd want to be remembered, I'm sure.

[Fox]

I had almost the exact opposite experience. Even from a fairly young age, viewing the body of a dead relative -- even my beloved grandmother, who I was probably closer to at that time than anyone else in my family -- left me feeling nothing in particular. I've always simply been able to accept the deaths of others, and only massive demonstrations of negative emotions in others at such services really moved me to emotion myself, as per the impressionability of youth.

That said, if viewing the body upsets and disturbs you, of course you shouldn't be subjected to it. That would simply be pointless torture.

[mmstyle]

When I was a teenager, I had a crush on my brother's best friend, who died. I went to the viewing. Seeing his face at the viewing became my strongest memory of him until I made a point of remembering another time we hung out as much as I could. If I could go back and change it, I would have said I didn't want to go. I found it surreal, but not more painful at the time. But I would rather not have that memory, and it bothered me for years (his viewing was somewhat unusual). Over time, it has faded and doesn't disturb me now, but it took time.


I won't do that again, if at all possible. I've lost several family members when I was away from home. Closure, for me, is more about being with the family that are still here than viewing those that have passed away.

Condolences about your grandfather.

[Stout]

Some people will contend that viewing the deceased will snap you into the realization that everything is ephermal, and make you value everything and everyone more.

However, you've stated that it's only had negative consequences for you, so out the window with that one.

In any case it's something we'll all have to contend with at some point on down the road, regardless of where we were born or brought up, whatever we were taught to believe in.

[catman]

[ThingsComeAround]

Growing up I had only one grandfather, and he passed before I turned 13. I wanted to go to the funeral, however my mom forbade it.

Later my grandma's cousin (another family member I was close to) passed, my mom did not want me to attend his funeral either.

I have been to funerals after that- asking mom not to leave me out of family events- the viewing part did not disturb me.

If you don't like it however, you shouldn't go.

[Zyzyfer]

[cj1976]

It's all about closure. When my father died, I went to see because it just made it seem real and I could then move on to the next stage of grief.

[calicoe]

Oh, man, this thread brings up some very painful memories. Since I've been here, my favorite aunt died last winter (she is actually a much older cousin, but related to as an aunt). My family got the call at the last minute (well, par for the course, when the immediate family is dealing with hospitals, paperwork, grief, money, and calling the extended family all at once). Anyway, long story short, I couldn't get out of here in time. I missed her wake and her funeral. I don't think I am ever going to recover from that lack of closure, to be honest. I think that grief is going to sit deep in my bones, and never go away.

But, I am used to viewings, as it is part of the way my family has always handled the recent death of loved ones. It is my way to pay last respects and say good-bye, and also commiserate with the rest of the extended family and friends, some of whom I haven't seen in years.

Of course, even at the casket, a lot of saying goodbye is through prayer or meditation, deep thinking or whatever you want to call it, and you don't need a viewing to do this. You can visit a forest, a church, a temple, a quiet, peaceful place, and just "think" about your loved one, and visualize messages that you want to "send off" with them, or remember them by. If it makes you feel better, you can create your own ritual for closure, in whatever way feels both respectful and positive for you. Because, essentially, that's what a viewing is - a ritual, a ritual of death and grieving.

*edit: And, if the "meditative" type of closure is not your style, you could invite some of your closest friends or family to an activity or event that your grandparent would've liked, and just tell stories about him, and remember him fondly. The most important thing is to find a way to mark his passing with closure.