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Korean Job Discussion Forums
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TheUrbanMyth
Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Location: Retired
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 Posted: Sun May 30, 2004 11:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Buff wrote: |
I. "E" (b/f's hyung) said something to the effect of, "I know you're not Korean so I understand that you may not know how to act with people who are older than you (he's 5 yrs. older), but if you were Korean, I would be really mad at you for being so disrespectful. But don't worry about it...it's ok...just so you know for the future, etc..."
Sorry that this is so long, but I'd like to know if anyone else has been in this kind of situation and how they handled it. |
I'd have said "I know you're not a foreigner so I understand that you may not know that to us it doesn't matter how old a person is. If you were a foreigner I would be really mad at you for being such a anal personality. But don't worry about it...it's ok...just so you know for the future, etc..."
I agree with the other posters. Have it out with the friend, and see where it goes. |
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The Bobster
Joined: 15 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Mon May 31, 2004 3:05 am Post subject: |
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I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest one other interpretation of what was going on.
When "hyung" said "just so you know for the future," he may not have been referring to how Buff ought to behave toward HIM - he may have actually intended it as gentle advice meant to prevent a more serious problem with ANOTHER older Korean male that might occur, some hypothetical older Korean male who is perhaps not quite so broadminded about the gaffes that foreigners habitually make in this culture.
Therefore, the intention was not be an anal hard-donkey, but rather to give instruction that might prevent future problems.
I'm not nearly as conversant in the subtleties of this culture as I ought to be, but I'm guessing this kind of tutelege is the responsibility of the older person - the price they pay for the respect that is required to be given.
As for those who are suggesting Buff should write the guy off as an a-hole and encourage the bf not to have anything more to do with him - um, I think Korean relationships might be a little more complicated than that.
Again, I'm not gonna pretend to know more than I do about this, but one impression I've arrived at is that older males such as this one are not seen in the way we view friendships - rather more in nature of a mentor, in many ways. And this could have ramifications even extending into the bf's work life and career opportunities, for all we know here.
Just a little food for thought, and hey, if I'm disagreeing with people, well, you know that's cool, and not intending this as one more apologist making excuses for Koreans. I'm the first to admit that I still have a lot to learn about this place. |
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Gwangjuboy
Joined: 08 Jul 2003
Location: England
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| Posted: Mon May 31, 2004 7:56 am Post subject: |
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| kangnamdragon wrote: |
Well, since no one has looked at the Korean guys perspective, I'll try. You are dating a man in Korean culture. If you wish to do so, you need to learn about Korean culture. Guys are very respectful to their older friends.
Now, I assume this was all in English. The older guy's English probably is not perfect, so he did not understand all of the sarcasm. Also, realize that it is not always polite to use sarcasm to older people. That is more for kidding with friends.
The guy was not being a jerk. He was polite to you by being honest. If he had no respect for you, he would have said something to your boyfriend in Korean or behind your back.
Your boyfriend is correct. Don't worry about it. |
I have met many Koreans younger than myself who use "ban mal" when addressing me despite the fact they could never get away with it with older Koreans(and my Korean is decent). I noticed that Koreans empthasise the hyong/dong seng relationship when you are younger than them. It is conveniently cast aside when you are the one who should be benefiting from it. I am wondering whether or not your boyfriend's friend falls into this category. |
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TheUrbanMyth
Joined: 28 Jan 2003
Location: Retired
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| Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2004 5:18 am Post subject: |
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| The Bobster wrote: |
I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest one other interpretation of what was going on.
When "hyung" said "just so you know for the future," he may not have been referring to how Buff ought to behave toward HIM - he may have actually intended it as gentle advice meant to prevent a more serious problem with ANOTHER older Korean male that might occur, some hypothetical older Korean male who is perhaps not quite so broadminded about the gaffes that foreigners habitually make in this culture.
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If that was the intention, then it came off really badly when he said "..if you were Korean, I would be really mad at you...." He should have said something like "...if you were Korean, some Korean men would be really mad at you..."
That's why I suggested she talk to the friend and explain just how some foreigners see relationships differently than some Koreans. If she has to curb the natural way she talks around the friend, it might be best for all concerned to limit the amount of time they spend together.
It's also why I suggested she pitch it back at him...just so he can hear how he sounded. His reaction would likely confirm what he was trying to do, help or be overbearing |
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Buff
Joined: 07 Apr 2004
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| Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2004 5:53 am Post subject: |
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| The Bobster wrote: |
Therefore, the intention was not be an anal hard-donkey, but rather to give instruction that might prevent future problems.
I'm not nearly as conversant in the subtleties of this culture as I ought to be, but I'm guessing this kind of tutelege is the responsibility of the older person - the price they pay for the respect that is required to be given.
Again, I'm not gonna pretend to know more than I do about this, but one impression I've arrived at is that older males such as this one are not seen in the way we view friendships - rather more in nature of a mentor, in many ways. And this could have ramifications even extending into the bf's work life and career opportunities, for all we know here.
Just a little food for thought, and hey, if I'm disagreeing with people, well, you know that's cool, and not intending this as one more apologist making excuses for Koreans. I'm the first to admit that I still have a lot to learn about this place. |
Bobster...
I think your interpretation is probably pretty close. I'm still not exactly sure about it all, but from what I can tell and from further discussions with the boyfriend, his hyung was kind of torn between wanting to relate to me as a Korean and wanting to relate to me as a Westerner. Kind of like... with most foreigners he wouldn't have given the comment a second thought (he's spent an extensive amount of time abroad and knows how Westerners relate) but since he has begun to see me in a more familiar light he began treating me "like one of his own (korean)"
So it was kind of like he was assuming the role, not of friend, but mentor/protector and what he said was meant to establish a relationship (not a friendship of equals because even my b/f does not consider this hyung his friend, but a good hyung who cares for him and looks out for him) not damage the acquaintance role that we had been playing. From what I understand, Koreans find it difficult to truly feel equal with someone unless they are the same age.
Could he have said it a little more kindly? Yes. But I really do think that his intention was to build a relationship rather than destroy one.
I'm tired and I hope this post makes sense:) |
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mysteriousdeltarays
Joined: 07 Feb 2003
Location: Food Pyramid Bldg. 5F, 77 Sunset Strip, Alphaville
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| Posted: Thu Jun 03, 2004 8:50 am Post subject: |
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I don't know what a hyung is, I immediately thought this was a slur on his manhood. It must be a version of "homeboy young" correct? Perhaps a reference to the Chinese singer of American Icon? Perhaps not.
If the "verb" "dissed" ala Judge Judy came up, I'd just forget about them all.
No reason, especially around here to get upset about buying food. We could all use some.
I wouldn't get too dissed by hyung if I were you. But then you did probably feel dissed. You could always pop a few caps. |
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Buff
Joined: 07 Apr 2004
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| Posted: Fri Jun 04, 2004 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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Hyung is a term of address for an older Korean male when spoken by a younger male. Younger girls call older males "oppa" They both mean "older brother".
Younger males call older females "Nuna" which means older sister and younger females call older females "Ani / Uhni" |
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