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[Wangja]

The Birds and the Bees


A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears, "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. Now I'm 10, and if you tell me that grown-ups don't really sh@g each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[Wangja]

��Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting & couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind I found one."

[Wangja]

[Wangja]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything Right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more"......."He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."

"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his fu**ing widow."

[Wangja]

Courtesy of The Onion .... but this truly cracked me up ....

The FBI And Pot

"I think it's a good change. The FBI should be open to considering applicants who attended college at some point in their past."

— Gerald Leslie, Therapist

[Wangja]

Life in the Australian Army

Letter from a recruit in the Australian Army


Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west Of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of pi$$!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheila xxx

[Wangja]

Some Anagrams...


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

OLIVER REED
When you rearrange the letters:
ERODE LIVER

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

[Wangja]

oldie but I like it anyway

At a meeting with Queen Elizabeth, George W. Bush turned to
the Queen and said:

"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country
is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have
to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality
then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to
be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush."

George thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied :

"Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George W could utter another word, The Queen said:

"I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

[igotthisguitar]

FOOL: Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest.

King Lear I-IV

LEAR: Dost thou call me fool, boy?

FOOL: All thy other titles thou hast given away; that thou wast born with.

[Hyalucent]

TRIP TO THE RODEO

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was The
breeding bull's exhibit.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that Said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the
ribs and said, "He Mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and
said, "That's more Than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, In
capital letters, "This bull mated 365
times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her
husband's ribs, Said, "That's once a DAY. You could REALLY learn something
from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was With
the same cow."

[Wangja]

A Mother Superior Calls All The Nuns Together And Says To Them, "i Must Tell You All Something.... We Have A Case Of Gonorrhea In The Convent."

"Thank God," Says An Elderly Nun At The Back, "I'm So Tired Of Chardonnay."

[Wangja]

The Science Experiment

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

The third worm in sperm - dead.

The fourth worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class -

"What can you learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms!"

[Grotto]

COWBOYS AND INDIANS

A cowboy traveling West comes across an Apache warrior sinking in some quicksand. Thinking quickly he lassoes the indian and pulls him out.

The grateful indian insists that the cowboy come to his camp to meet his tribe.

As they ride into the camp a young man runs up to the older indian who introduces him as 3 Bucks.

Interesting name, whats it mean?

The first time he went hunting alone he brought back 3 deer...so we called him 3 Bucks.

Ahhh.

As they approach the home of the indian his wife comes up and he introduces her as 3 Horse.

The cowboy asks: "is that how many horses you paid for her?"

"No!" says the indian.





















Nag, nag, nag

[Privateer]

Wangja: thanks for the laugh. Your jokes crack me up.

Little Johnny loved his new train set. His mother could leave him for hours with his train set and do other things around the house without him bothering her. One day, the mom was cooking dinner when she overheard little Johnny. Every time the train would pass through the station, she heard him say "Everyone that wants to get off, get the *beep* off, and everyone who wants to get on, get the *beep* on." Highly disturbed by this, the mother rushed into the room where Johnny was playing, "Young man, I want you to march to your room and think about what you just said!"

So up to the room he goes.

2 hours later, Johnny comes down and proceeds to playing with his train set. The mother smiles and continues to cook dinner, until she overhears Johnny again. The train passed the station a couple of times while Johnny says "Everyone that wants to get off, get the *beep* off, and everyone that wants to get on, get the *beep* on, and everyone that is pissed about the 2 hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen."

[Grotto]

My girlfriend and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."



That's the last thing I remember.