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Old fat expat
Joined: 19 Sep 2005
Location: a caravan of dust, making for a windy prairie
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 Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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It was a simple question; what qualifications does he have to provide advice?
It was asked nicely enough. But in the true vain of many Dave's posters-this is turn on me, whether I have a steady relationship-or a spell cheaker. First point-I'm doing fine, thank you for asking. Second point-Dave's does not have a spell check.
Its not about me, it's about a guy who has offered advice for what is on of lifes biggest decisions a person/couple can make. And HE began the thread as a person to go to to get advice.
Is he qualified? Simple question. It's important because he needs to be able to give good advice, not cavalier off the cuff responses. |
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cubanlord
Joined: 08 Jul 2005
Location: In Japan!
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| Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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| Old fat expat wrote: |
It was a simple question; what qualifications does he have to provide advice?
It was asked nicely enough. But in the true vain of many Dave's posters-this is turn on me, whether I have a steady relationship-or a spell cheaker. First point-I'm doing fine, thank you for asking. Second point-Dave's does not have a spell check.
Its not about me, it's about a guy who has offered advice for what is on of lifes biggest decisions a person/couple can make. And HE began the thread as a person to go to to get advice.
Is he qualified? Simple question. It's important because he needs to be able to give good advice, not cavalier off the cuff responses. |
It was a joke. Remember, this board is an open board. I wouldn't take things so seriously. |
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Harpeau
Joined: 01 Feb 2003
Location: Coquitlam, BC
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| Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 5:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Old fat expat wrote: |
What qualifications do you have for counciling?
Yes, I am fully qualified to provide counciling in my home country.
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Yes, a sense of humor is a good thing on this board.  Don't mind me. I just found it funny that you are a fully qualified~ but can't even spell the word counselor. No offense, just found it funny, that's all.
All the best! |
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Xerxes
Joined: 10 Jan 2006
Location: Down a certain (rabbit) hole, apparently
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| Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Old fat expat wrote: |
| It was a simple question; what qualifications does he have to provide advice?[...] |
To that, just this, I am cavalier when chivalry calls for it. And, no, I am not professionally qualified. I give serious advice when seriously asked. I think that off-handed remarks are needed because, Christ, we can all use the humor, couldn't we in THIS biggie decision we've knowingly or not stumbled into?
| Thiuda wrote: |
| I'm on the verge of divorce with a woman who I love very much. We've been married for three years and have a two and a half year old daughter. We've never gotten along very well. Our relationship is so bad that I flew home for a month just to speak to a marriage counselor (who cost a fortune and had very little to say except for giving common sense advice). She doesn't want to see a counselor, and doesn't want to help me find one either[...] |
Well, from my UNprofessional view of things, there are three telling things you said about your relationship: 1) "I'm on the verge of divorce with a woman who I love very much," 2) "We've never gotten along very well," and 3) "Our relationship is so bad that I flew home for a month just to speak to a marriage counselor (who cost a fortune and had very little to say except for giving common sense advice). She doesn't want to see a counselor, and doesn't want to help me find one either."
1) To the first point, you said that you love her very much, and it seems that you still do. One side, at least, having the love or patience, or what have you, is enough to have me think that the situation is salvageable (from strictly what you said of the situation). I've noticed that pride on either side of a relationship is bad, and pride on both sides is almost always a deal-breaker.
2) "We've never gotten along very well," (and "I love her very much") would also characterize the first five years of my marriage too, the most conflict-full years. (We talk about those days as if they happened to some other people we happen to know. Strange, how perspective changes the most serious of things.) The number of fights and the frequency are not necessarily important, but do you make it "right" after the fights, and do you reaffirm your commitment to the relationship at SOME point thereafter, are more important. If you don't defuse often enough, it may never be possible for both of you to get to the crux of the problem from all the BULL SHIT that gets in the way (cultural or otherwise). For us, we fought a lot and as often as once every three days or so and a major one once a month or so and a "call the police" (literally) "I'm gonna get you" fight two to three times in our 12 years and change together. And, most of those times, it was her who put up the wall and I had to lay siege to it to bring down her defenses. (It now scares the crap out of her when I get pissed enough not to even try--once).
This stale mate seems like one of those "two to three times in our relationship" type of confrontations, but not necessarily a deal-breaker. The reason I say that is
3) because you flew home for a month. There is nothing more demeaning to a k-woman than her man returning to his family home (or more traditionally, having the woman sent back to the in-laws). This is the last card, and almost always the decisive card of the end-game. The men, in Korea, did this to say "I cannot live with your daughter, so teach her right at your home first." The insult was in blaming the woman's parents for the woman's shortcomings. My wife and I most often fought when family and in-laws were involved because I too cannot stand her bad mouthing my family, even if they deserve it. Your wife just had to take any BS coming her way from her family or any friend she happened to tell or neighbor commenting that you are gone with daughter left behind. I told you so...blah, blah, blah, was her private little hell and she's now got built up a ton of resentment.
Now, you came back and want to solve problems and go to counseling. As far as she is concerned, you insulted her and she agreeing to go to counseling now is like thanking the master for the beating the master gave, AND asking for more. No k-woman will demean herself to that level, in this day and age in K-land.
Your best recourse is to find another Westerner or a Westerner/Korean couple that she too knows and trusts (at least not to be crazy) to have the Westerner confirm for your wife that seeking counseling (even by flying to America to have it--I assumed you asked her to come along to get that counseling too? If not, your bad) is normal, and that you did it in America where you feel comfortable and know that such services are available. That should fix the cultural misunderstanding, or let it into her head that you did not have insulting her as a motivation in returning to America.
The next step is to find out and right the original wrong that brought you to fly to America. The good news is that my wife told me to move out and will take our daughter to her family's home about three times in the course of our marriage too. This is her last gambit, and the fact that she did not kick you out of the house yet just means that she is waiting for you to "get it" and make it right--understand what you did wrong and admit that you did wrong--at least in her eyes.
The irony here is that you both think that you did right--according to your cultural programming. (Lights came on in my brain casing when I made this realization.) You have now to deprogram the cultural BS to get to the real, original misunderstanding (and it is always a misunderstanding), and don't let your ego get in the way.
The fact that you came to this board and were willing to out your problems makes me think that your ego is long discarded and you are just desperate (as I often, often was) to just fix this damn thing and get on with our, mine and hers, life.
And, I give this last with all seriousness: good nookie goes a long way to break down pride and ego once the deed is done, but ego will prevent the egoee to get undressed in the first place. There, too, is the irony. There is a way around that too, (you just think about that). |
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Xerxes
Joined: 10 Jan 2006
Location: Down a certain (rabbit) hole, apparently
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| Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry above and this so long.
I had this question come through on my PM, and I thought that this would actually be a common question (I get it a lot in rl anyway). All identifying information has been deleted to maintain the poster's anonymity, as per the poster's request.
| a person who asked to remain anonymous for reposting on this board wrote: |
Hi Xerxes
I didn't want to ask on dave's because it's my own business.
[...]
Anyway, I want to ask a married-to-a-Korean question. It's about finances. I'm only married [a short time] so I'm a beginner at this. Due to the fact we live in Korea and my Korean language skills are poor my wife has naturally taken care of all the savings accounts, bank loans for key money, bills, etc.[...]
So far, I'm not convinced she is that great at handling our money.
How do you and your wife handle the joint finances? Do you have much of a role in setting up and maintaining various accounts and loans?
I feel I would like to be more part of the finances. How could I approach her about that? She gets a little miffed when I bring it up. Like I don't trust her. I do! But I want a role in it too.
Any advice welcome |
| Xerxes wrote: |
Well, for that, I'm the wrong person to ask because I am stupid with money. When my wife offered to handle the finances (she noticed that I was stupid with it too, but asked to do it gingerly), I let her do it all to her self.
We do have two rules, though.
One, we always consult each other over big purchases, I her and she me. The big is defined, jokingly, as something that would require two arms to lift, and no rocks (precious stones). You should settle on some ground rules like this.
Two, we always give our parents and/or other family, either side, equal money amounts, and if we don't give something right away, we stack it up as (ball park) credit for future giving. I noticed that I get strangely upset when she talks about my parents or brothers in a negative way, and she does same to me whenever I happen to say something about her family or parents in particular. Money to family, or family in general, is a VERY contentious issue.
As per your specific question, I know a lot of K-men do this: they give their wives a housing/bills allowance every month, and the man does the savings, investing, big purchases (with consultation, but often without) with the rest of the money. The wife can ask to up the allowance for special occasions like tuition for school, wedding gifts, et cetera. A lot of k-men too are stupid with investing though and they often blow away the house savings, so the two vote or veto power by either seems like a nice concession. She is not out to get me and I her, so I trust her when she says no and exercises her veto rights as she does me when I say no unequivocally.
Sorry, I'm not too helpful with this one, but the k-men route is something that she will understand and most k-women will see this as the man's right to ask of this. Be careful though, once you do this, you are on your own. As a middle-of-the-road method, You can hold on to the money and ask her what she thinks about this or that, and she will appreciate that eventually though, I would think.
My experience is that K-women really know what they are doing with their money and the k-husbands that her friends are married to almost always do this allowance thing. Give it a go, but lay out some ground rules.
Hope that helps. Look forward to seeing ya at the Dave's meet, if my wife and I can make it. Ciao, amigo.
P.S. I actually think that this can be a popular subject. Would you mind if I posted your question and my answer with your name and id indicators eliminated? I won't post it until I get your reply. |
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Thiuda
Joined: 14 Mar 2006
Location: Religion ist f�r Sklaven geschaffen, f�r Wesen ohne Geist.
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| Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for the time you took to respond to my post. I appreciate it, and think you're mostly right about what you've said.
Cheers
One thing I'd recomend to all married men, especially here in Korea, is to have a seperate bank account which the wife doesn't know about. This will allow you to weather any storm...as I'm doing now. |
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Demophobe
Joined: 17 May 2004
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| Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 8:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Thiuda wrote: |
I'm on the verge of divorce with a woman who I love very much. We've been married for three years and have a two and a half year old daughter. We've never gotten along very well. Our relationship is so bad that I flew home for a month just to speak to a marriage counselor (who cost a fortune and had very little to say except for giving common sense advice). She doesn't want to see a counselor, and doesn't want to help me find one either.
I'm not convinced that our problems are solvable, but I really don't want a divorce. I love my daughter and I've worked too damn hard to lose everything I have in this country. I don't want to start all over again. All of my assets are in my wifes name (apartment/car/saved money).
My wife doesn't want to talk to me, she tells me I speak to much. She tells me she wants me out of her life, out of our daughters life. She's absolutely serious and I feel there is nothing I can do except do as she's asking me to do, move out.
Yeah, so now I'd like to know, cut my losses and start over again? Maybe wait a little while, try to establish contact with my daughter a little down the road? Fight a custody battle in a country where I have few resources, speak the language only haltingly, and have no one to back me up? What would you do? What did you do when it happened to you (if it happened to you)? |
Wow...really sorry to hear about your situation.
I guess it's hard to give advice until all the perhaps quite private details are known. I don't advise laying them out on this forum, unless you will forever remain anonymous with this username.
However, without knowing why she is so set against a future together, what happened to start all of this, | | |
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