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butter808fly
Joined: 09 May 2004
Location: Northern California, USA
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 Posted: Sat May 13, 2006 8:54 pm Post subject: |
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REPLY TO ursus_rex
tv blue and porcelain face,
she sounded so beautiful,
until read again,
for what your reaching for,
not really a woman,
but the satellites friend,
the thing shaped like an oven.
television women,
they arent what they seem,
with their moonlit complextions,
their sparkling eyes,
just all reflections,
of what we want them to be,
desires,
perfection.
(please bare with me,
this verse,
as my headache today,
continual surge.)
Lady of sunlight,
so wholesome and true,
with tresses of gold,
sandals not shoes.
......... your poem sounded like you were reaching through the television to grab at the women within .. somewhat... very pretty though. thought id try a response. |
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Xerxes
Joined: 10 Jan 2006
Location: Down a certain (rabbit) hole, apparently
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| Posted: Sat May 20, 2006 10:17 am Post subject: |
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| ddeubel wrote: |
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6 million dollar man?
Hey, I resemble your easy brush-off! And, I up you an "aft torpedo!" |
Hey Clint, didn't mean to give you the easy brush off. Easy man, put away the Colt 45! -- just impossible to critique everybody's poetry and I picked the one that did the most for me. How it works, some like 'em, some don't ..............kinda like M and Ms, I go for the red ones........
My only comment is that you do have a reflective voice and an ability to sense the playfulness and sound meaning of words/phrases. What I do think you should work on and some others here too is to not bring the baby into this world so quickly. The poem should lie dormant, in vitro a long time and only in pain and crisis, be born as the light would push up from the depths............ A good poem is always preceded by a well managed pregnancy, until the trigger. I would never read anyone who just sat down and said, "ok, time to write poetry." Poetry is always happening and being written in that great erasing machine on our necks..........it is total consciousness, the words on a page only the flashback.
DD
PS> nobody got what the poem's 6 million referred to --- it was the holocaust. And how with her kisses, her forgetting we are better, better by being able to again, recount. |
Hey, DD, those them be good words o' comment, and I do agree with you. I did kinda spank them words onto the page too quickly, but I was kinda surprised at how well they turned out upon reading them again a few days later, when I usually hate my writing then in general.
I got to thinking if it were possible to have like an Emily Dickens rendition of "Wild Nights--Wild Nights!" sustained throughout the piece, kinda like metal songs, except on the written page and not in song. Can a piece be as energetic to the tilt throughout the whole long piece? That effect, if achieved, would be something, the opposite of what you, DD, suggested should be good poetry. Make the pregnancy kicking! throughout the nine months, as it were.
Been not posting for weeks, it seems. Been busy being productive by staying off the board, so as to shorten my "down time." Writing a book actually and have been writing up a shit storm. Publisher says that I should have manuscript ready by September and I have ungodly loads of teaching to do from June to then! 
Even let Don Gately off the hook for the "game"/challenge on the Dostoyevsky thing not having shown him up his un-seminal commentary. Being a good boy and not saying anything sexy or elusively so about that or otherwise. No smoking while writing (can't believe I can do that!), no sauce either, no meat, only some coffee. I have got to be the cleanest living boheme living! 
I'm probably hexing my writing by talking about my writing in writing this writing here, right? Major Major Major Major? |
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Xerxes
Joined: 10 Jan 2006
Location: Down a certain (rabbit) hole, apparently
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| Posted: Sat May 20, 2006 10:29 am Post subject: |
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| Chow wrote: |
And . . .
Rice
Sitting on the tilted chair
On the cusp of the fall,
But not falling -- feeling
Only the horrifying lift
Of Innards -- is the pervasive feel;
I have felt myself
Slipping.
Icarus' wings, I think,
At the melting point.
I said, "I am
Not quite certain.
I have rice in my brain
To keep the thoughts
From hardening,
And
To maintain the illusion of
Maintaining my dignity."
The dignified set small goals
And achieve them with shame.
Dignity is an apex: a point
Between privacy and pain. |
I kinda like this poem best of all submissions, and I was surprised as Tattoo was much less than this, I thought. I like the sounds and the cadences of the lines. Reminds me much of Cummings.
I didn't like the "Icarus" reference and the definition of "Dignity" at the end; thought that that was too forward to a poem that was otherwise more tenuous. You could say that my poems that I put up were too forward too (and I don't mind the criticism to that so either), but I just thought that yours was not of that kindred to have that direct and forceful reference in the piece. |
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Chow
Joined: 24 Nov 2005
Location: Cheongju
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| Posted: Sat May 20, 2006 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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Xerxes,
I've always been a bit worried about that "Icarus" ref. as well.
The definition at the end was meant to juxtapose/offset the tone. I wanted a "jarring" (not very) closure, and considered a couplet, but it didn't seem to flow as well.
Strange that I've always liked "Tattoo" better . . . .
Thanks for the input! |
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ddeubel
Joined: 20 Jul 2005
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| Posted: Mon May 22, 2006 1:21 am Post subject: |
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Chow,
I second that emotion of Xerxes -- nice poem but it needs some spit and shine....
I like the ending
| Quote: |
The dignified set small goals
And achieve them with shame.
Dignity is an apex: a point
Between privacy and pain. |
Some might say (and most critics would - piss on 'em, they don't write poetry...) that it is too preachy, pedantic but I think it closes and reads well.........it gives just a moment of silence, while the reader thinks/pauses. what good poetry does, leads us to our own lives/reflection.
I don't like the repetition of wording....feel/feeling and especially maintain/maintaining......this wasn't intentional and is a classic example where some editing and thought could tighten the poem.
I also don't get "Innards" capitalized and all that.......but I also like the fact , I don't get it. ....a poem only lasts if it leads....
Good job, don't let your own wings melt.
DD |
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flambastic
Joined: 07 Oct 2004
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| Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 7:40 am Post subject: xxxx |
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Beauty is in the eye
of the person you behold
See yourself reflected
And you are beautiful
See their soul
And you are immortal
In their eyes
This is the most
Precious gift
That they can ever offer
Accept or walk away?
The moment is fleeting
But the repercussions echo
For lifetimes
No words need be exchanged
The answer is instantaneous
Reflected or absorbed
In your eyes |
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igotthisguitar
Joined: 08 Apr 2003
Location: South Korea (Permanent Vacation)
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| Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 7:44 am Post subject: |
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How does it feel?
 |
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Nowhere Man
Joined: 08 Feb 2004
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| Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 8:26 am Post subject: ... |
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http://www.everypoet.org/pffa/
And don't forget this site.
Where the beginners get "criticism" and the advanced get "merciless criticism".
But not really. Newbies get roasted. The Old boys club clap each other on the back.
On a site where Frost and Shelley are revered
over cummings and Stevens.
Check it out, but I think they mostly promote assholeship.
Billy Collins' Poetry 180 is far better, but not a workshop. |
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Rteacher
Joined: 23 May 2005
Location: Western MA, USA
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| Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 3:36 pm Post subject: |
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...........................ReFlexthingOndaOldeze......................................
..........................Poetry in Motion.......................
4848484884884888 Ride Like the Wind 303030303030303030303030
..............................I Second that Emotion................
BahdaBahdaBahdaBahdaBaBaBaBaBAdaBahda bahda BAHdaBababa......
..........................Locamotion..................
DadadadadadadadDaaaddaddadddaaadaadaadaadaadddddaddddaassssll
..............................A Picture of Devotion..........................
fffffooooosssssuuuuuuvmvmvuuuuuddddd------eee[[[dddppwwwwwjjwwwj
...........................Love Potion #9...............
yee88ee-ee-e-e8e8e8eee0e0e0e0e0e8e8eee0e0e0e0e0e8ee8ee8ee0e0e0
..............................Number 9, Number 9, Number 9...................
ureuiqwjljlqrafauiaafuirrjej;qaufapre;ewq;jrjejaapfpdpuewq[ierq[ierk;;;
............................I Think I'm Goin' Outta My Head>>>>>>>
****************Lay Ladie Lay+++++++++++
mr=ea'd f'a ad'fha'jfk 'dsauf;a'djfkal'dsuhou'gao;s mg'alusgp'aigm skg;;
*******************In My Big Brass Bed&&&&&&&&&&&
1-2chachacha3-4chachacha1-2chachacha3-4chachacha1-2chachacha3-4cha x 3 ... |
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ddeubel
Joined: 20 Jul 2005
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| Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 6:15 pm Post subject: |
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http://www.everypoet.org/pffa/
And don't forget this site. |
They wouldn't know a good poem if it came out of their own (&(&(&*&s
Terrible site for poetry and commentary and the mods are just bigoted kooks who couldn't write a thing if they tried. Reminds me of some kind of Monty Python skit.....
Rteacher, you are WAY ahead of your time. You will have to wait a few more lifetimes before publishing such "great work" will get the recognition it deserves. I hope you don't fall off the wheel of samsara before that..
DD |
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Rteacher
Joined: 23 May 2005
Location: Western MA, USA
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| Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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The wheel of samsara is no merry-go-round - I want off!   |
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EFLtrainer
Joined: 04 May 2005
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| Posted: Tue May 30, 2006 11:23 am Post subject: |
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you knew
I didn't know
when she asked me
I didn't know
(yes, you did)
who asked you?
I didn't know!!
(then whose voice do you follow?)
(Shut up!)
(...if I could...)
dammit! I didn't know
when she asked me,
I didn't know
(that shiver up your spine?)
just the chill
skiing all day
nothing
(but she asked you)
So what? she asked
I said maybe, someday, if...
(if?)
if I found perfection
then, maybe
(and that chill up your spine...)
cold. from skiing all day
(and she never said..)
Hey, shut the hell up!
I mean it
(that's me)
no
(that's me)
kiss my ass
(that's me)
...
....
..............
shut up
please
(but she was...)
I didn't know
(liar. you didn't call)
so. I didn't call
why should I?
(indeed)
shut up, dammit!
I didn't freaking know, ok?
(but you thought it)
(then)
(and felt it)
(the chill)
f*** you
(you did)
.
.
.
it didn't mean anything
(you thought it)
(then it was)
i didn't do it
(of course)
(but you knew)
.
..
...
yeah... the chill
(you thought it)
yeah
(she was sick)
(you knew)
bullsh*t
(you did)
but I forgot
(but you called)
I waited, dammit!
(ten days)
yes
(you knew)
seriously, f*** o**
(I'm the one)
.
...
(perfection)
so... what's your point?
(you knew)
.
..
....
.....
yeah, I knew
(and she knew)
we knew
but different things
(you chose)
(the chill)
Yeah, well, it's freaking cold
(sure...)
(but you knew)
(you chose)
I'd do it again
(I know)
kob 05/31/2006
kunsan, korea |
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Peter Jackson
Joined: 23 Apr 2006
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| Posted: Wed May 31, 2006 6:34 am Post subject: One more |
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Shelter me (A Bangkok Street Child�s Chant)
Shelter me from the meat, from the heat, from the fight
From the noisy toyless day and the cruel scathing night
From the cheating mama-sans and the drug�s short delight
From the hookers and the trannies, from the Devil�s Christian Right
From my mommy, and the pimps, from the merchant selling shrimps
From the ghoulish and the freakish, and the dirty flashing streakers
From the oldies, sick decrepit bearded belly drinkers
From the wounded, poor and sulking who*re*-search stalking seekers
Show me greatness, show me prowess, show me something I can cling to
Show me loved ones who can give like lonely caring wander travelers
Cure this one hurt, lend another, and if I had my druthers
I�d take you to my home to meet the tramp that I call mother |
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Rteacher
Joined: 23 May 2005
Location: Western MA, USA
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| Posted: Wed May 31, 2006 8:29 am Post subject: |
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(Since you were looking for some feedback ...)
I think that it's a very good poem, elegantly capturing the essence of a Bangkok street kid's plight ...
(Take your place in the parade of great expat-in-Korea poets...) |
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Peter Jackson
Joined: 23 Apr 2006
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| Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 12:41 am Post subject: School |
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Here's another one. I am not entirely satisfied with this one...needs work. Comments?
School
�I once attended school,�
said the boy�s clothes
as they gracefully hung their last noble threads
upon his thinning burdened body.
�They once worshipped me,
those standing on the corners
flowers entrapped in hand
chewing gum packs
sweet smelling of dirty sweat
their hands would tug my clean
crisp tales, my boy would nudge away.
Now I�m torn and ragged, bearing stench
like river slum
and skimmed up scum
my boy�s papa picks
in hand, with such loving care
I do not dare
to let my fragments fall from this dear body here
for once a wish his father had,
my boy should never be so open, so defiled
or this sad�. |
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