Korean Job Discussion Forums

[GentleSusan]

Some of you might remember me from about nine months ago. I had split from my Korean wife and was seeking (and getting) good advice.

Well, turns out I'm not the brightest fella when it comes to these matters, because we got back together about a month ago and it's worse than it was before. Logic dictates that I should just let her go, but I don't seem able to do that. We begin counseling next week, so hopefully that will be productive. The main thing is: we really just have nothing in common. In spite of this, we are absurdly co-dependent and extremely attached to each other.

Don't want to bore everyone with the minutae of my situation publically, but if there is anyone out there who is married to and has had problems with a Korean spouse, (or just anyone with any empathetic insights), I'd love to exchange private messages.

Thanks,
Gentle Susan

[Mashimaro]

I hope you find the courage to leave and eventually find the perfect woman for you

[Junior]

The basic problem is that guys go for the korean hotties, which are often the most vacuous and spoiled creatures out.

Overlooking all lack of things in common and putting up with a massive amount of sh*t, these miserable guys will hang in like limpets. Often you see some poor guy with a girlfriend that looks hot. He looks utterly miserable. Some of these princesses are so domineering thatthey end up with whichever stoic will be her slave for longest. While she either cheats on him or pines after someone else (although her demure, inactive Asian pride prevents her from showing interest in what tshe really wants). seriously, I've knoen several tortured western males attached to hotstuff yet unable to let go.

*Whats "redux" by the way? Is it the same as in "jaderedux".

[GentleSusan]

We've been together 8 years - married for 5. It's way beyond the "hot" factor now.

[kangnam mafioso]

why is your name "gentle susan" if you are a guy?

[Muffin]

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

Many men think that Asian women will somehow be more submissive than Western ones. However, having Asian friends and students, I'll just throw you two or three quotes to give all you men some insight into their view of relationships.

One of my female Korean students wrote an essay about how much she was missing her boyfriend (she was in the UK) towards the end she added 'when we argue he always apologises first, I never apologise for anything, I make him apologise'.

Another Korean friend of mine was discussing her relationship and my relationship. I told her that as I was going out with a foreign man I was learning his language as I didn't think it was right that only one person made an effort, her reply: 'I only want one person to make the effort, and that person is not me!'

And this from a very quiet, sweet Taiwanese woman, 'Muffin, you should find a Taiwanese man, really you can treat a Taiwanese man as badly as you like and make him do all the work'. I replied that I didn't usually enter a relationship with the intention of treating the man badly!

Beware guys, beware!

[GentleSusan]

Gentle Susan has a nice Confucian cadence to it don't you think?

One thing I have noticed about Asian women is that they are loathe to admit anything is their fault. But then, really, isn't that the case for most women in general?

From my experiences, the hardest thing about being with an Asian woman is the lack of intellectual stimulation. Maybe Asian culture associates simplicity with depth of charcacter? I know an overly talkative person is labeled frivolous, that's why the guys brood silently as they do.

Many of them seem ferociously bright, but even so, don't like to challenge themselves, prefering to idle their days away reading about make-up and watching romantic comedies. While cute, the predictability of this behavior is soul crushing after a while - the female equivalent perhaps of the male archetype sit around drinking beer and watching sports by himself night after night. Women flee from this kind of man and they are celebrated for their emancipation.... guy does the same and well cue the white wine and ice cream....

Anyhow as you can see I'm feeling a bit disheartened by relationships and women in general. Thanks for letting me vent.

[EFLtrainer]

Back in the day, they called this the seven-year itch. Made a great comedy about it. Maybe you could track it down and watch it with your wife. Bring a little levity into things.

[numazawa]

[RachaelRoo]

[numazawa]

I guess that would be Door Number 2.

[Yaya]

[JongnoGuru]

It's a sad, unfortunate situation, Mr. GentleSusan.

And it's like I've always said, "Women are evil and men are stupid".

That is, I used to say that until I met the woman I'm with now.

'Course, I'm stupid as ever, so the part's still true.

[mercury]

I saw your message and thought I might add a few insights.

When I was in Korea I dated some women who had BPD. I guess the main word was STORMY, so many of the BPD's are really impulsive, I think that many teachers hook up with them because they are usually the ones who will go to the clubs and sleep around, and then the lonely teacher comes along, gets lucky one night at the club, and then a stormy relationship is formed. I must have dated a dozen of women like, it was fun for a while, but later pure heeell.

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day.5 These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

[Doogie]

I think a lot of people have been through a situation like this. Back in Canada, I lived with a beautiful Chinese girl for 5 years. Near the end, our relationship was a lot like how you describe yours. When you've been together for that long, you get totally accustomed to being with that person. Even if the relationship has turned into a total disaster. We split up, but the initial separation was brutal for both of us. It was almost like losing a limb. It was for the best, though, because we just couldn't make it work. It's definitely worth it to try the counseling. If that doesn't work, you'll probably have to part ways. There are no kids involved, right?