Korean Job Discussion Forums

[kimcheeking]

Well lately myself and my wife have been having some disagreements about raising our daughter. Nothing major as of yet, but she asked me to post a question here as I am the western voice in our household. I do realize there are differences from family to family in what people do but what I am looking for is generalities.

The biggest issue right now is bed time. Our daughter is 20 months old and when it is bed time my wife insists on lying on the floor next to her for an hour or more singing and playing with her until she sleeps. I don't think that we should be doing that, maybe a short story or something and then close the door. Obviously she will cry but probably not long and she will sleep on her own.

Another issue is that when she is crying for no apparent reason, my wife is all about distracting her and giving her things that she likes. I however believe that may be appropriate some of the time but not all of the time. I think that it is fine to let her cry it out sometimes - not all the time.

any ideas? please feel free to criticize me or my wife. we are mostly looking for compromise situations of other couples that we could use/adapt to our situation.

KK

[Horangi Munshin]

I agree with you.

An hour puttting to bed! Singing and playing are fine, but do you mean your wife does that to get your kid to go to sleep?

I hate the give the kid a snack when it's crying ploy too. Hey I've taught kindergarten here, it turns you into a hardarse very quickly.

My wife and I have a kid on the way, I anticipate the same sort of differing views, but I think it'll be more of a problem with the in-laws. Do your in-laws do annoying stuff concerning your kid? Like teaching her/him to ddongchim etc

[Joe Thanks]

Kimcheeking,

I love ya, companero, though I don�t know ya. You�re an invaluable part of this forum and I sincerely respect your opinion, so please don�t take this with any offence, as I do not mean to come off as offensive (though this is curt).

Coming to these forums for advice on raising kids is like smoking a cigar while pumping gasoline.

Are there any forums on the net for a person in your situation (mixed race/nationalities raising kids)? If so, I�d like to know as well (I don�t plan on having kids but such an event doesn�t always happen as a plan! It�s good to know though).

Good luck with finding advice, but I kinda wonder what you will get here.


Cheers,

Joe

[kimcheeking]

Joe,

I came here specifically because of the Korean/western perspective rather than a general mixed culture thing. And yes, I am planning on taking whatever advice I may get with a grain of salt.

[Zyzyfer]

This doesn't seem to have anything at all to do with cultural differences, though. I sincerely think that it's just differing opinions on child-raising. If your wife wants to sing her to sleep, I don't think that's a big deal, but if the kid cries, and you spoil her, it will raise just the kind of child that I hate to see : a spoiled brat. As a "parent", I would focus on teaching my child about humility and balance and all that jazz, not "cry until you get it".

Does that make any sense? I'm still half-asleep.

[endofthewor1d]

tell her if she doesn't pipe down, you'll give her something to cry about. if that doesn't work, turn a fan on and shut the door and windows. that'll shut her up.

[The Great Wall of Whiner]

I rasied my daughter for her first two years of her life. For the most part, it was straight to bed. As she has gotten older, she now gets a bedtime story and then that's it.

She doesn't whine mostly because that has been the routine since she was born. Once you start a routine of fussing with her for a whole hour, the cycle is hard to break.

But hindsight is always 20/20. My suggestion is just put her to bed, promise her one bedtime story, and then time for sleep. Stick firm, no waivering.

If you waiver, she wins.

Personally, I'll be damned if my daughter becomes a spoiled little brat.

[casinoman]

I remember an study from when I took Pychology 100 (sorry can't cite the source). Basically it was a study on whether or not infants who were attended to immediately when crying vs. those that were left alone. The hypothesis was that infants who were "coddled" would be less independant, etc. than those that were left alone. The findings were the opposite though. The children who were attended to had less "problems" in adolescence and adulthood than those that were not. So it was a case of "hey, take care of my needs now and I'll take care of yours later."

[dutchman]

[Scott in HK]

My wife and I talk about this and we went the western route...and our daughter has a nighttime ritual...it doesn't matter how long the ritual is...just as long as it ends when you want the little one to go to sleep...

we have a bath...then it is books and milk....then downstairs for kisses and goodnights...upstairs for her potty....brushes her teeth and then to bed where she gets two or three poems in the dark...winnie the pooh ones that i have memorized...and then it is sleep time...the whole thing takes about 45 minutes or so...

once in bed...i allow a call or two...usually for a sip of water or a re-tuck...that sheet has to be up to her chin...but after that...she is on her own...

routines are really important because you can keep them...

my wife was skeptically at first...but with the bedtime routine put into place...we had a lot more time to ourselves at night

for crying out...as long as you know there is no reason...then i say let her cry...but first you make sure that she really doesn't have a reason to cry...we always tell our girl...that we know she is just faking...or that crying won't help and to use her words...you need to encourage kids to voice what is wrong and show them this is better than crying...

when ours cries now...it is usually for a reason...not always a good one..but there is a reason and she tells us...

[Squid]

This is an interesting post.
Our girl is due shortly and so far so good, no major differences in approach, which has been more than one line will ever give credit.

What seems to have worked well for us is to time limit things we agree or disagree upon and re-talk them when it's due. That way I'm not getting funky translations and accepting weird practises without knowing and neither is she.
As for junior's sleeping arrangements, she'll be with us for 3 months then given her own space... own room... doors ajar.
I wish you luck with yours, and not too many "tears at bedtime", but there's sure to be some!

Squid, I suspect I'll be a real softie.

[posco's trumpet]

[Ody]

our son is 6 (korean age) and quite well behaved. he's always been capable of reasoning and doesn't act spoiled. i say this because i'm about to admit to siding with your wife. when it comes to bedtime, my approach leans toward korean-style, i still lay down with him. now, about that "desire" thing; although we are way past the crying stage you refer to, distracting a child is a popular method practiced by western parents as well (some more skillfully than others). i think even Dr. Spock recommends it.

before moving to korea, i made sure to pack my book, "Dr. Spock�s Baby and Child Care" which takes you from birth through adolescence. have you seen it?

[kimcheeking]

[Ody]

i'd be happy to loan it, but not for too long since i refer to it periodically as issues arise.
what's your schedule like this weekend?
pm me.