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| What kind of friend would do that? |
| A great friend needn't feel obliged to say anything positive, was honest |
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16% |
[ 5 ] |
| A good friend might have been having a bad day and friends should have thick skins |
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19% |
[ 6 ] |
| A friend perhaps but a *beep* thing to do. He was a bit insensitive. |
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19% |
[ 6 ] |
| No real friend would disregard one's feelings like that, except in the rarest of cases. |
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12% |
[ 4 ] |
| A bad friend indeed is one who *beep* on one's happiness for whatever petty self-absorbed reason. |
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6% |
[ 2 ] |
| *shrug* |
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25% |
[ 8 ] |
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| Total Votes : 31 |
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Triban
Joined: 14 Jul 2009
Location: Suwon Station
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 Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:37 pm Post subject: |
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| I wouldn't want a friend that lied to make me feel better; I want the truth when I'm making a mistake and honest opinions. |
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prideofidaho
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
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| Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Maybe a 'good' friend might be someone with whom you can talk about anything, while some conversations are limited with other 'average' friends. |
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nautilus
Joined: 26 Nov 2005
Location: Je jump, Tu jump, oui jump!
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 1:49 am Post subject: |
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Its rude to comment like that about somebody that your friend is dating.
Find a new friend that is not so shallow and arrogant...
I have a friend who has what I would call a very physically unattractive girlfriend. Have I "mentioned" this to him? Of course not! Its his business who he dates, he has his own taste. Besides, she's a fairly nice person and they get along.. isn't that ultimately what matters anyway?
The only time you are really free to condemn a friends b/f or g/f is if you know for a fact that e.g she is cheating on him, or something similarly bad. |
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VanIslander
Joined: 18 Aug 2003
Location: Geoje, Hadong, Tongyeong,... now in a small coastal island town outside Gyeongsangnamdo!
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys. A lot of helpful thoughts here.
If such a "dick" answer came from some guy I had been friends with for a few months only, I probably would nix the friendship, or not expect much of it.
| prideofidaho wrote: |
| Maybe a 'good' friend might be someone with whom you can talk about anything, while some conversations are limited with other 'average' friends. |
Yeah, the thing is: I have considered him a good friend. He and I have spent many a day hanging out together, shooting hoops, talking about our life and problems and job, going to movies, dinner, getting drunk in some very funny scenarios, a couple of trips to Seoul, several beach days, really been buds helping each other financially and lending a hand when moving to a new place, etc. So given the last five years, he still is a good friend - just maybe not the greatest of friends, not as good a friend as I've had in the past, but still, all things considered, a pretty good friend. (That's partially why it HURT, as I expected him to say something nice, to be happy for me. I was caught totally unprepared for his silence and negative-toned comment. It was like a huge slap in the face.)
| andrewchon wrote: |
Dunno, since when is a buddy happy about losing his bum chum to a chick?
He's expressing his sorrow. |
Maybe that's a small part of it, but he's moving back to Canada soon, so it's not like much practical difference will be made: he and I can only continue to be friends by email and maybe future visits. (Can he be 'best man' at my wedding if I end up marrying that woman?  I am 40 years old and want to have and raise kids of my own so the question isn't outrageous, though of course too soon to seriously consider yet.)
| UknowsI wrote: |
| I think it's an insensitive answer from your friend, but I think it says more about his social skills than the friendship. |
I think so too. It has to do with his personality. Knowing how he is, I should accept him how he is, which I do usually. He is blunt and honest and very sensitive about topics, blurting out statements without consideration of how they can hurt others. I'm sure I have my less attractive traits that he tolerates too! Friends forgive friends and put up with each other's *beep* sometimes. That's how friendships works in most cases, eh? I think of the film Grumpy Old Men. 
| nautilus wrote: |
| It's rude to comment like that about somebody that your friend is dating... The only time you are really free to condemn a friends b/f or g/f is if you know for a fact that e.g she is cheating on him, or something similarly bad. |
I agree. But this says more about the personality of you and I than about the friendships we have, doesn't it? Some people are more considerate in general, exhibit more friendship-building characteristics. But when you already have a pretty good friendship with someone, you don't throw it away over moments of rudeness. It was rude of him, of that I have no doubt. I won't broach the subject with him now though: I can't say it was because I know he won't hear it, will react angrily or dismissively. But if that woman and I are together down the road then I'd bring it up in a thoughtful email sometime then. Until then I will just shrug it off (it WAS a weight on my shoulders initially) and put it aside, as my friend is still my friend, even if I need to re-tool my expectations and realize the limits of our friendship, grow a thicker skin even if it's just scar tissue hardened over.
I feel a bit better. I'm going driving with my friend this afternoon actually, to some old Japanese fort near the east coast. I won't talk about the woman, and the day should go fine.
Life goes on. |
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nautilus
Joined: 26 Nov 2005
Location: Je jump, Tu jump, oui jump!
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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| VanIslander wrote: |
Until then I will just shrug it off (it WAS a weight on my shoulders initially) and put it aside, as my friend is still my friend, even if I need to re-tool my expectations and realize the limits of our friendship, grow a thicker skin even if it's just scar tissue hardened over.
Life goes on. |
Well..yeah. Limited choice in Korea often means just learning to live with whats available.
If you were back home for example... you might have just stopped calling your friend and paid more attention to your 20 other close friends until he got the message. No friendships are perfect of course. |
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just4u
Joined: 30 May 2007
Location: Georgia, USA
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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He has bad manners, and you may lose the girlfriend if he says something snarky like that in front of her.
As someone wise once said, "I have to be careful not only who my friends are but who my friends' friends are"-and this is just me, but I don't hang out or date people who have rude friends-it was part of the problem in my last relationship. If someone's friends have bad manners, watch out. You may be judged based on the company you keep. (You meaning people in general not you=I'm not attacking you.)
I just...I don't know it seems kind of treacherous to me to have a friend who doesn't like the appearance/makes rude comments about someone you are dating. To many people, their friends are their family, and if you take a chance on someone who is willing to maybe "accidently" make a comment on myspace or while drinking about their appearance of your gf...what if she overhears and that is like hellweek for her where everything went wrong?
I mean I'm not trying to be rude, but if I were dating someone I would try to make their lives easier, not harder. And if you have a rude or snarky friend (even if they were just being blunt that is bad manners and a little shallow-=maybe she had dark circles because she was sick or working too much??) then it may reflect on you.
Well I hope no one took this the wrong way. Good luck in your relationships-all of them-and do your best to care for your friends and protect them from negative energy/people ok?
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aboxofchocolates
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Location: on your mind
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 9:38 pm Post subject: |
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It sort of reminds me of comments I heard from jealous people who think their own life is crap so continually try to bring other people's down. Those people can be toxic. If that's what's up with your friend, then congratulations- she must be a hell of a hottie if the only criticism he can find is bags under the eyes.
And good on you anyway, VanIslander! You found someone you are attracted to and you like, the rest of the world can go sodomize itself! |
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oskinny1
Joined: 10 Nov 2006
Location: Right behind you!
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Have you thought that maybe he was talking about different bags? Maybe the fun kind? Those are under her eyes as well. |
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Draz
Joined: 27 Jun 2007
Location: Land of Morning Clam
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:36 pm Post subject: |
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| aboxofchocolates wrote: |
It sort of reminds me of comments I heard from jealous people who think their own life is crap so continually try to bring other people's down. Those people can be toxic. If that's what's up with your friend, then congratulations- she must be a hell of a hottie if the only criticism he can find is bags under the eyes.
And good on you anyway, VanIslander! You found someone you are attracted to and you like, the rest of the world can go sodomize itself! |
I still think he pointed out the bags because it was the most minor criticism he could think of. I can make a few guesses. One, he met her on vacation. So, two, it's a long distance relationship now. Three, she's from Thailand and Thai women have a negative reputation around here. The long pause was him deciding whether he wanted to bring any of this up, and the bags comment was him deciding to just leave it alone... without lying and pretending to be supportive. (A painful thing for someone who is usually blunt and honest.)
I like the "cute" comment someone else mentioned, I'll be using that one next time one of my friends gets into a relationship I am really not sure about, when pointing out the potential major issues is a lost cause.
It can be hard to find someone and jumping right in is always a temptation... |
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aboxofchocolates
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Location: on your mind
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| Posted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:43 pm Post subject: |
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| Draz wrote: |
| aboxofchocolates wrote: |
It sort of reminds me of comments I heard from jealous people who think their own life is crap so continually try to bring other people's down. Those people can be toxic. If that's what's up with your friend, then congratulations- she must be a hell of a hottie if the only criticism he can find is bags under the eyes.
And good on you anyway, VanIslander! You found someone you are attracted to and you like, the rest of the world can go sodomize itself! |
I still think he pointed out the bags because it was the most minor criticism he could think of. I can make a few guesses. One, he met her on vacation. So, two, it's a long distance relationship now. Three, she's from Thailand and Thai women have a negative reputation around here. The long pause was him deciding whether he wanted to bring any of this up, and the bags comment was him deciding to just leave it alone... without lying and pretending to be supportive. (A painful thing for someone who is usually blunt and honest.)
I like the "cute" comment someone else mentioned, I'll be using that one next time one of my friends gets into a relationship I am really not sure about, when pointing out the potential major issues is a lost cause.
It can be hard to find someone and jumping right in is always a temptation... |
Could be. |
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nautilus
Joined: 26 Nov 2005
Location: Je jump, Tu jump, oui jump!
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| Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 1:59 am Post subject: |
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| just4u wrote: |
| this is just me, but I don't hang out or date people who have rude friends-it was part of the problem in my last relationship. |
This can be an issue in Korea as well if your g/f happens to have jealous/xenophobic guy friends...  |
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DorkothyParker
Joined: 11 Apr 2009
Location: Jeju
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| Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:25 am Post subject: |
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How good of a friend can you be that you would ditch a friend of 5 years for a mindless comment regarding the appearance of a woman you aren't marrying or even in love with? Bros before hos, dawg.
That said, I'm just teasing and I'm sure you're both lovely people. Maybe he was having a bad day? Maybe he was pissed at you for some other reason and just feeling spiteful?
I do think it's odd, you being older than the woman, that he would imply that SHE looks old. :/ |
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Panda
Joined: 25 Oct 2008
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| Posted: Sat Nov 21, 2009 6:39 am Post subject: |
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OP, in real life, I am always the one like your friend....But only to my good friends.
To acquaintances and just friends, I would try to be as sweet as possible.
I am sorry to see that you don't really know your friend well...It's your fault  (maybe he was trying to get qualified as one of your good friends by saying that) |
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