Korean Job Discussion Forums

korian · Joined: 26 Feb 2004

i was with a k-girl for 2.5 years. was with her in korea. while i was working she travelled with friends to oz. my mum picked them up at the airport, they stayed at my house, my mum organised things for them and helped them.

i met her sisters and sisters' boyfriends. then i went travelling with her in nepal and thailand. then moved to seoul and we alternated w/e to see each other.

all the while her parents never knew about me. then one day she intord. me to her uncle.

within a month she wouldn't return my calls.

not saying this is the norm but it gives a clear indication of the sway that parents hold. and that was over the middle sister of 3 girls. so i can imagine what it would be like for an eldest son.

but my case is not the be all and all.....just left me very hurt and disillusioned....she wouldn't even pick up the phone after 2.5 years

sistersarah · Joined: 03 Jan 2004 Location: hiding out

jaebea · Joined: 21 Sep 2003 Location: SYD

Harpeau · Joined: 01 Feb 2003 Location: Coquitlam, BC

I really feel for you and what you're going through. It sounds very frustrating. I knew a similar couple years ago and think they're now in Canada. (Unfortunately, I lost track of them.) He was the oldest son of an oldest son and studied anthropology and came to the conclusion that he didn't want the Korean wife, apartment, salaryman job, the sojunight with the officemates, etc. He met a Canadian and crossed the puddle with her. Not too sure how his parents felt. (Most of his dad's family are in north Korea~ so maybe not quite as bad.) I only hope that they're happy.

The thing to keep in mind is that most married couple tend to argue about family, sex, money & children more than anything else. That means, if you guys go the distance and decide to cross the puddle, make sure that he owns much of that decision. On the other hand, do let him know that you may be open to having his parents come over or moving back (only if you are REALLY open to it, that is).

Try to keep your cool. On one level~ this is nothing personal. What I mean is they don't even know you. You could be Ida Doshie and they still may feel the same way. It's how they see the world. And remember, their oldest son is traditionally supposed to look after them when they get older. Therefore, there is probably much fear on their part. Thus, I'm sure if they really got to know you, they might be won over by your charm. Myself with my Korean wife? I'm just a lucky bum. It's a crapshot. I have awesome Korean inlaws.

In any event. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You both deserve it.

Harpeau

Corporal · Joined: 25 Jan 2003

Actually, I've always got the impression (not substantiated by data, mind you) that it was the other way around. Since Koreans tend to feel that the man's blood is stronger than the woman's, a Korean man marrying a foreign woman is generally more accepted than a Korean woman marrying a foreign guy. And when I read the guys' stories on here about how they frequently get public resentment/frowns/negative comments when they're out with their K-girls, that bears up my theory, as I've never been subjected to anything more than an infrequent glare from an ajossi. Most Koreans would be more likely to say something insulting to a Korean girl out with her foreign boyfriend than to a Korean man with his foreign wife. Just my opinion though and I'm in no way claiming it's truth.

Besides, the MILs can always teach the foreign wife to make kimchi, duties solved. It's not as easy to force the foreign guy to provide for the extended Korean family, however--especially IN Korea. Razz

dogbert · Joined: 29 Jan 2003 Location: Killbox 90210

weatherman · Joined: 14 Jan 2003 Location: Korea

Corporal · Joined: 25 Jan 2003

Ody · Joined: 27 Jan 2003 Location: over here

sistersarah · Joined: 03 Jan 2004 Location: hiding out

i see your point dogbert. many korean men stare at us when we walk around town arm in arm and i often wonder what they're thinking. but i know they wouldn't say what they're thinking.

Chonbuk · Joined: 28 Jan 2003 Location: Vancouver

Sarah-

Hi,

well, first off I think that you are lucky to have a found a guy who is brave enough to introduce you to his family, most aren't.

Secondly, how is your Korean?

I would suggest you studying the language, and showing his parents that you are respectful of Korean culture and traditions and that you will raise your children to be so as well.

His parents will eventually come around, they are just being bullies right now to see how much power they have over their son.

Don't worry about it, just start studying so that you can knock their socks off.

Good luck

Chonbuk

sistersarah · Joined: 03 Jan 2004 Location: hiding out

thanks for your reply chonbuk. i know i am lucky with this guy.

i'm studying korean on my own now, but i'm no where near being able to "knock their socks off" with it. i hope, like you say, that my effort to learn it and my respect of korean culture will be helpful. actually, this is what i'm really hoping will change things.

i think they envision some strange (probably slutty) western woman trying to steal their son and his "koreanness" away to canada! Shocked

elmer · Joined: 04 Feb 2003 Location: cowtown

Hi there

Sorry to hear of your woes. I think one of your best bets is to have your bf convince he is going to move abroad regardless of his relationship with you. This is going to be such a hard blow to his folks since he is the eldest. Hopefully making more money abroad is in the cards for him and so he can send home lots of money to his parents (something he'll have to do whereever he is located).

As for your "willingness" to help out on holidays and such, you better readjust your attitude. Daughter-in-laws do ALL of the work. Not just holidays. Family gatherings, weddings, funerals, casual get togethers, etc etc. Its not just expected, it would be extremely rude not to help out. As the eldest daughter-in-law, you would have a bit more responsibility, but if you weren't living in Korea you would get out of most of the work. That would mean you'd have to do extra when you visited.

If you want to make a good impression when you visit I'd bring a nice expensive gift with you. Think freshly cut ginseng with honey, or elk antlers or something like that. Be prepared to ask politely if you can help serve coffee or tea. Stand when someone enters the room, sit properly, offer food to someone else before you eat it yourself. This is assuming you get to meet them. How about an unexpected visit??

Good luck.

anae · Joined: 13 May 2003 Location: cowtown

I think Elmer's advice is right on the mark.

My father-in-law changed his tune when he saw that I was willing to pitch in and follow the lead of my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. All of Elmer's politeness tips will come in handy. I know they worked for me. My father-in-law ended up proposing that I marry his son after he decided I was even more polite and down to earth than the Korean girls on tv!

Some hard work on the front end will pay off in the long run.