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Pyongshin Sangja
Joined: 20 Apr 2003
Location: I love baby!
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 Posted: Mon May 17, 2004 4:55 pm Post subject: |
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| They say that? Damn. |
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little mixed girl
Joined: 11 Jun 2003
Location: shin hyesung's bed~
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| Posted: Wed May 19, 2004 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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......
Last edited by little mixed girl on Sat Nov 08, 2008 8:22 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Derrek
Joined: 15 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Wed May 19, 2004 2:27 pm Post subject: |
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Dudes like this need to get off of their cultural power-trip. You need to ignore him.
If your boyfriend can't handle that you don't like his buddy, then lose the boyfriend.
Stand your ground. You are a westerner -- not a Korean lacky.
Why lower yourself to a societal standard like the one present in Korea? |
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hellofaniceguy
Joined: 10 Jan 2003
Location: On your computer screen!
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| Posted: Thu May 20, 2004 1:31 am Post subject: |
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Go ahead and flame me...and no, I am not a rasist or prejudice, but why would a western woman want to date a korean man let alone marry one?!?! I don't get it? I have yet to see a relationship between a western woman and a korean male last a long time even a life long time. Most that I know of, (and I also ask them why in the hell did you marry a korean man) regret it after a few years.
But then many people who are married are also regretting it even though they married in the same race!
But still, why korean?
Just look at the newspapers day in and day out in korea about marriages failing, the beatings that korean men give to women, the cheating, etc...
Yeah yeah, western men are the same someone will point out. Not as much as in korea I say.
And no I am not picking on the original poster. Just "generalizing." |
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kangnamdragon
Joined: 17 Jan 2003
Location: Kangnam, Seoul, Korea
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| Posted: Thu May 20, 2004 1:46 am Post subject: |
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Well, since no one has looked at the Korean guys perspective, I'll try. You are dating a man in Korean culture. If you wish to do so, you need to learn about Korean culture. Guys are very respectful to their older friends.
Now, I assume this was all in English. The older guy's English probably is not perfect, so he did not understand all of the sarcasm. Also, realize that it is not always polite to use sarcasm to older people. That is more for kidding with friends.
The guy was not being a jerk. He was polite to you by being honest. If he had no respect for you, he would have said something to your boyfriend in Korean or behind your back.
Your boyfriend is correct. Don't worry about it. |
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Buff
Joined: 07 Apr 2004
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| Posted: Thu May 20, 2004 4:51 am Post subject: |
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| Derrek wrote: |
Dudes like this need to get off of their cultural power-trip. You need to ignore him.
If your boyfriend can't handle that you don't like his buddy, then lose the boyfriend.
Stand your ground. You are a westerner -- not a Korean lacky.
Why lower yourself to a societal standard like the one present in Korea? |
I don't know where the idea is formed that adapting to a new culture somehow makes you lose your identity. My b/f lived in the US for three years and in that time had to make a ton of cultural adjustments. I think it would be unfair for me to go to his home and refuse to adapt. Changing behavior (even if you don't like it all the time) doesn't change who you are as a person. I know I'm a westerner, but learning from Korean culture won't turn me into a lackey.
In addition to that, I'm not saying I like everything about Korean culture, but I think there is still a lot that Westerners can learn. Learning and growth aren't always fun, but instead of getting defensive when I mess up, I think it's best to just learn from the mistake.
Since this incident, I've seen his hyung again and he was nothing but kind to me. So I'm the one who feels like a poophead for wanting to ignore him. I'm thinking that he knew I was joking, he just didn't appreciate someone so much younger making a joke like that, as harmless as it seemed to me. It ticked me off at first, but now I think that it's just one of those things I'll need to adapt to. |
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Buff
Joined: 07 Apr 2004
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| Posted: Thu May 20, 2004 6:10 am Post subject: |
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Oh, and hellofaniceguy...not gonna flame you because I know your comment wasn't really directed at me, but why would a woman date a Korean when she is a Westerner? I can't answer for anyone else but for me it's because I don't look at my boyfriend as a Korean, I look at him as a person. He's different from me and we sometimes butt heads, but who he is as a person is so beautiful that the cultural difficulties and adaptations are worth the effort.
Sure, relationships of this particular cultural dynamic aren't as common and it may not last, but we don't have that guarantee with any relationship. So why not try as hard as I can with the one that makes me happy right now? I dunno, that's just the way I see it. |
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lush72
Joined: 18 Aug 2003
Location: I am Penalty Kick!
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| Posted: Thu May 20, 2004 4:19 pm Post subject: |
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| Derrek wrote: |
Stand your ground. You are a westerner -- not a Korean lacky.
Why lower yourself to a societal standard like the one present in Korea? |
Agreed- I would have point blank laughed in his face! Enough already with the "I am the alpha male, all must bow down to me." He is just another person- NO BETTER OR WORSE THEN ANYONE ELSE.
These days I am having a blast just laughing at people- its a SERIOUS stress reliever! |
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Corporal
Joined: 25 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Thu May 20, 2004 7:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Derrek wrote: |
Dudes like this need to get off of their cultural power-trip. You need to ignore him.
If your boyfriend can't handle that you don't like his buddy, then lose the boyfriend.
Stand your ground. You are a westerner -- not a Korean lacky.
Why lower yourself to a societal standard like the one present in Korea? |
Exactly.
Wow if any of my husband's friends tried that with me...they would be going home with a few body parts missing.
If my husband's pals want to hang out with him, they better be checking with ME first to make sure it's okay. You don't need to be a bitch about it. You just need to train them to accept that no matter what your race or age is, you, as the woman, are in charge of everything.  |
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kiwiboy_nz_99
Joined: 05 Jul 2003
Location: ...Enlightenment...
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| Posted: Thu May 20, 2004 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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| There's a way to both stand your ground about who you are and still not ruin the relationship with the hyung, by not being confrontational about it. Send a message through the bf ( to be relayed in Korean ) that you are not Korean and will be acknowledging any heirachical power relationships in your soacial life, but that you respect him and wish to be respected equally. If he can't accept that then you have to take other options. I personally play it like that. Koreans don't become western when they visit our countries, and I see no need to take a subservient role with anyone in order get along, but that doesn't mean you have to rude about it. |
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itaewonguy
Joined: 25 Mar 2003
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| Posted: Thu May 20, 2004 11:53 pm Post subject: Re: How do you handle it if and when you step over the line? |
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| Buff wrote: |
| I've been dating a really great Korean guy for about 6 months and have spent time with his Korean friends. The other day I kind of overstepped my bounds with a joking comment I made to his hyung. He was pretty gentle about it, but still kind of corrected me. I'm still unsure of how I crossed the line, but the b/f says the fact that he corrected me was acknowledging that there is a relationship and he sees me as his dongseng (sp?) by default. So....the question is... does this ever happen to you and if so, how do you handle it? |
emmmm the hyung huh... well you know he is an insecure person to start, because he probably seems as someone who demands respect from his ddongsengs. and thats means looking down on the white grl too..
he feels what ever he says is right... personally I never call anyone hyungs! either you are my friend.. or not.. no fake BS friendships where your not a friend.. you're a hyung.. FORGET THAT!!
did you cross the line? I think you need to tell us what happend..
and I will tell you... |
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itaewonguy
Joined: 25 Mar 2003
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| Posted: Fri May 21, 2004 12:05 am Post subject: |
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| Buff wrote: |
I thought I'd be funny and jokingly said, "you could get a luggage cart" because he bought a TON of groceries. It was not a serious suggestion and wasn't really directed at him personally, but just a general, offhanded remark. Then it got really quiet. "E" (b/f's hyung) said something to the effect of, "I know you're not Korean so I understand that you may not know how to act with people who are older than you (he's 5 yrs. older), but if you were Korean, I would be really mad at you for being so disrespectful. But don't worry about it...it's ok...just so you know for the future, etc..."
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 ohh yeah I know these kinds of guys!! man!! what a loser!!!
let me guess.. emmmm 34- 35? older...
they had no friends growing up and always used the hyung card to get respect. he told you he would be angry blar blar.. well you played it well. just saying ok is fine.. if you would have said..well if you were a western guy you would have laughed and we would all be cool!!!
not this tension and fake bounding we all share now...
but thats asking for trouble.. especially from someone who demands respects becuase like LUSH said.. ALPHA male dominance syndrome..
I HAVE A GOCHU there for I am KING.. my GO CHU is older than your GOCHU there for you respect me.. im sorry are we living in the chosun dynasty?
you didnt do any thing wrong.. you answered back to him. thats all..
and he was not use to that.. he will be a lonely man.. I feel sorry for his wife & kids..
Also he didnt need to mention (in his eyes your mistake) because he just contradicted himself.. buy saying becuase you foreigner im not angry..
blar blar.. but then warns you of future moments..
well you're a foreigner!! he doesnt even need to bring it up..
his response is more deep I feel.. he is angry to his friend maybe for dating a white girl. he seems very traditional and conservative..
he is also insecure, maybe jealous of him.. I feel a response like that has more indept detail to it...
you did nothing wrong.. dont worry about it.. |
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Derrek
Joined: 15 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Sat May 22, 2004 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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| itaewonguy wrote: |
I HAVE A GOCHU there for I am KING.. my GO CHU is older than your GOCHU there for you respect me.. im sorry are we living in the chosun dynasty? |
If respect was measured in Gochu size, then Korean men would really be kissing foreigner butt!
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PatrickSiheung
Joined: 21 May 2003
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| Posted: Tue May 25, 2004 2:26 am Post subject: |
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Any guy that tries to intimidate you like that and make you feel small and stupid is not a man. Any real man would have just let it slide. Nothing could be gained by saying what he said.
"Just so you know for the future..." BS... he wanted to feel like a big man so he talked down to the poor little foreign girl.
Next time he tries that crap, show him your little finger and say "Goja." |
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endofthewor1d
Joined: 01 Apr 2003
Location: the end of the wor1d.
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| Posted: Sun May 30, 2004 8:10 am Post subject: |
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keep the sarcasm rolling. take it up a notch even. it's going to go one of two ways. seriously... say what you will about adapting to a different culture, but you can't very well forsake your sense of humor, can you? i mean, you didn't mean any offense, and if the f*cker can't take a joke (and the joke in question wasn't in the least bit offensive by any stretch of imagination), then it's bound to come up again.
i'm not big into cultural sensitivity. you are who you are. your boyfriend knows you are, and doesn't love you in spite of it, but because of it. to hell with his friend.
you shouldn't ignore his friend. that's just a secret resentment that would be far more devistating to your situation than getting the issue out in the open. the best thing to do would be to confront this friend. tell him how you feel. ask him to tell you why an extra five years of existence warrants being worshipped.
i don't know how long ago this incident took place, but i'd guess that chances are he doesn't even remember this conversation, and if you bring up your concern about it, the two of you can have a fruitful conversation on the matter, and he'll feel bad for coming off like a d*ck.
either way, he's a good friend of your boyfriend, and that's going to be an issue throughout your entire relationship. if you tone down your sense of humor around someone that is important to your boyfriend, that's flat out wrong in my opinion. making little cracks every now and again isn't going to be the end of your relationship. worst case scnerio: you'll annoy his friend every now and again. best case scenerio: a bit of a sense of humor will rub off on this guy.
anyway... that's about all i've got to say after a pitcher of hite. good luck. |
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