Korean Job Discussion Forums

[JongnoGuru]

[hellofaniceguy]

[Swiss James]

[Eunoia]

Sorry, S.J. There's such a thing as adapting to a culture and being respectful to one's elders and all that, but when it comes down to what other people are and aren't allowed to do in YOUR home - especially if one is allergic/sensitive to cigarette smoke, as it appears to be in this case - then I would put my foot down. Casey's Moon has to make her stand and say, "If the old man has to smoke, he's not gonna do it in my home."

[Swiss James]

With the smoking issue, I know some people are awfully prissy about that kind of thing- and although Korea still has attitudes that are way behind back home in this regard so it might be a struggle, I think this is a battle Casey probably should pick.

I was thinking more generally about the attitude shown in pretty much all of Hellofaniceguy's posts though. Seems like s/he is really not enjoying themselves in this country.

[casey's moon]

WOW!!!!

I didn't expect so many responses!!!!

I would like to clarify that my husband DID ask my FIL to smoke outside the last time he visited our home. The request was pretty much ignored (though he did go to the balcony for the second half of some of his cigarrettes, which was a start), and in fact the FIL in question actually complained about the fact that we didn't have a nice ashtray to give our smoking guests.

In our current situation, it isn't that big of a deal, I guess -- since he will rarly visit as we live in different cities and generally we go to their home. But, I don't want to be around it at all when I'm pregnant or when I have babies/children around me.... I'm not so sure that my FIL will respect the request at that time either, unlike Peppergirl's. Also, it is very possible that they will be moving into our neighbourhood some time in the future, and then they may be visiting our home quite often.

While I appreciate all the advice, even hellofaniceguy's (although I don't think he was being very realistic at all) and itaewonguy's (no say whatsoever????), I think I will follow one of guru's suggested options, which was to leave the room every single time he lights up. There is a chance he'll make more of an effort to go outside this time, although I think he'll want to assert the fact that he doesn't have to follow our rules (he's just that kind of guy) -- and I'm sure I can do it politely and with lots of smiles. If I do get pregnant, I'll make a bigger issue out of it, if I have to.

Thanks for the advice everyone. It was an interesting read.

Oh yeah, and I wanted to say one thing about my allergy -- it is very mild at this point and I hesitated to even mention it, as obviously I have to put up with smokers in public all the time in Korea -- in fact I've inhaled second hand smoke from some of the other posters on this thread! The main deal is cigarrette smoke in my own home.

edited for a glaring typo.

[Grotto]

tell him flat out that you do not allow any smoking in your home...if he thinks his status as FIL exempts him from that rule let him calmly know it does not!

If he lights up usher him outside
If he does not want to go take the cigarette from him end extinguish it.

Let him know quickly and quietly that he cannot light up indoors...ever!...under any circumstances!

[casey's moon]

[JongnoGuru]

[Grotto]

life is choices
if you choose to let your father in law smoke in your home then that is your choice.

i believe in accepting and looking at other peoples culture. BUT! When they do things that jeopridize my health or the health of others then I feel it is time to step up to the plate...be the man....and lay down the law.

Just because you believe in fan death doesnt make it right
just because you believe that kimchi prevents sars doesnt make it right
just because you believe tha smoke does not bother/harm others definately does not make it right.

Get some super glue stick some balls on your husband and let him know that there is no smoking in your home. It doesnt matter whether it is your FIL, the pope, or the president! If your FIL thinks he can smoke wherever he wants..whenever he wants...what are you going to do when he is holding his grandchild with a butt hanging out of his mouth? Breathing smoke into newly formed lungs? Setting an example that will influence their life, studies have found that smell is one of the strongest memory senses of people.

Do you really want your child associating smoke with love?

[JongnoGuru]

I've made unofficial smoking & no-smoking areas inside the home, and I have nice ashtrays on hand for guests who smoke. But again, smoking takes place either outside (table & chairs) or in the "boys room" that is physically isolated from the "regular" rooms (kitchen, dining area, living room, bedroom, study).

If you live in an apartment, perhaps there is a covered veranda. If there's some space there, you might set up a cheap folding table and folding chair with an ashtray and matches for your FiL or whoever. I have friends who did just that for their smoking guests. It was quite cozy, actually, and cost them next to nothing. They could have stowed the table & chair away easily enough, but they kept it out and used it as their morning coffee & newspaper nook. Nice view they have, too.

[pet lover]

Buy some cans of really, really strong air freshner. Spray liberally. If anyone complains, offer to open a window. Keep spraying. Maybe they'll get the connection. Maybe not. In any case, they'll probably leave sooner.

[ulsanchris]

how about getting your mother in law on your side? YOu or your husband and explain to her about how you feel and ask her if she can have a word about it with your FiL. If you mother in law backs you, your problem might be solved.

[casey's moon]

[ulsanchris]

she sounds clever. if your mother in law is on your side, and it sounds like she is it willl make relations easier with your father in law