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princess
Joined: 16 Jan 2003
Location: soul of Asia
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 Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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| mindmetoo wrote: |
A bit off topic, a friend is an ethnic Chinese in the Philippines. She met this 25 year old Korean guy online. Anyway, internet romance. She went to Korea to visit him. And then she met his mother. The mother just laid into her from the first meeting. Chinese? For my son? They are like dogs! And why is your family not in China? Are your mother and father criminals? Just the full court press. So my friend slapped her! Slapped the mother!
Of course the son was totally his mom's lap dog... |
Of course he was Mommy's lap dog....doesn't surprise me at all...not at all. |
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endofthewor1d
Joined: 01 Apr 2003
Location: the end of the wor1d.
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| Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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| i think if i brought some girl home and she slapped my mother (whether she deserved it or not) i'd jump to my mother's defense. of course, if my mother was talking that kind of trash to my ladyfriend, i'm sure we'd pick up and leave before it escalated into violence. |
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JongnoGuru
Joined: 25 May 2004
Location: peeing on your doorstep
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| Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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| endofthewor1d wrote: |
| i think if i brought some girl home and she slapped my mother (whether she deserved it or not) i'd jump to my mother's defense. of course, if my mother was talking that kind of trash to my ladyfriend, i'm sure we'd pick up and leave before it escalated into violence. |
You'd think. But I guess the ol' slap-hand is quicker than the brain sometimes. Scary.
I'm not sure whether Corporal was being serious about not letting her mother-in-law in her house at all. But assuming that wasn't a joke, gads, how extreme. Yeah, I suppose that's one sure-fire way of resolving different perspectives on baby-bathing or napkin-folding or salad fork placement, etc. But childhood would be unimaginable with a "no-grandmother-in-the-house" rule such as that.
5-yr-old Me: Where's gramma??
Mother: You know she's not allowed in the house.
Me: But it's my birthday!!
Mother: Rules iz rules. 
Me: 
How unfortunate for everyone. But it was probably just a joke, right? |
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Hanson
Joined: 20 Oct 2004
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| Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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First off, thanks to those who took the time to respond, whether kindly or not, whether judgemental or not (actually, I anticipated the judgemental replies to this thread, so it was a lot easier to ignore them this time).
While writing the OP, I tried to keep it concise so as to make a long story short. The example of the scalding hot water was the most recent incident, so it was the example I chose to use to highlight a bigger, more encompassing problem; that of my MIL interfering and knowingly going against our (my wife and I) wishes towards our daughter.
The example Homer mentioned about overdressing in winter is another example which has also happened to us. Yet another is the use of 17 blankets while baby is sleeping. Being concerned about SIDS, I put my foot down on that one, but the pushy MIL seems to have special powers to either forget my instructions, or simply disregard them, thinking she knows best. My last example (for this post) is my MIL's insistence that car seats are not necessary. When we brought our baby home, my MIL rolled her eyes and actually chuckled at my insistence on using a car seat. She seems to think 'We didn't use them when I was a young parent, and everything worked out fine, so why do you need a car seat now?'
The problem then becomes: How do I deal with the situation? I guess I could go the Corporal route and ban my MIL from visiting, but that seems a little (read incredibly) extreme to me. I feel I would be robbing my daughter of a wonderful relationship with her grandmother. Another option would be to let the MIL do whatever she feels is best, which I am totally uncomfortable with as well. Next comes the discussion option where my wife and I state our "rules" and ask/tell her to follow our way. We've tried this, but my MIL, as I mentioned, seems to disregard our wishes. So where does that leave me option-wise? Is it ultimatum time? I really hope not!
Let me also restate that my MIL is wonderful in many other areas and I feel lucky to have a Korean MIL who is caring, generous and would give us the shirt off her back if we really needed it. She is also, generally speaking, accepting of the differences in cultures etween my wife and I. I don't want to cause a rift in the family or bad feelings between my wife and her mother, which did happen before (my MIL didn't talk to us for almost a month when my wife and I got angry at her for a disagreement in the past...).
My wife and I would like to foster a good relationship between my daughter and her grandmother. We would also like to ask her to take care of our daughter once in a blue moon, for my wife and I to do something without the baby (romantic evenings, get-togethers with friends, etc...), but I fear my MIL will do all the things we don't like once we're not there.
Again, thanks for the responses. A touchy situation like this isn't easily solved with all parties feeling good about it. |
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ajgeddes
Joined: 28 Apr 2004
Location: Yongsan
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| Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 9:06 pm Post subject: |
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| My last example (for this post) is my MIL's insistence that car seats are not necessary. When we brought our baby home, my MIL rolled her eyes and actually chuckled at my insistence on using a car seat. She seems to think 'We didn't use them when I was a young parent, and everything worked out fine, so why do you need a car seat now?' |
That's scary. Statistics don't lie. I don't have a child, but when it comes to children that are really young, you can't really be TOO safe (unless you make them live in a bubble). In any country, the uncertainty of what could happen while in a car should always be taken into account. It is never my driving I am worried about, it is everybody else's. |
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riley
Joined: 08 Feb 2003
Location: where creditors can find me
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| Posted: Tue Apr 11, 2006 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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| I think the only choice you have here is to go with what someone else said. Avoid the situation by planning out the choices for grandma. It's probably the best way, let her help but limit the choices of what she can do. Granted, maybe you already do this. |
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Corporal
Joined: 25 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 12:08 am Post subject: |
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| JongnoGuru wrote: |
| endofthewor1d wrote: |
| i think if i brought some girl home and she slapped my mother (whether she deserved it or not) i'd jump to my mother's defense. of course, if my mother was talking that kind of trash to my ladyfriend, i'm sure we'd pick up and leave before it escalated into violence. |
You'd think. But I guess the ol' slap-hand is quicker than the brain sometimes. Scary.
I'm not sure whether Corporal was being serious about not letting her mother-in-law in her house at all. But assuming that wasn't a joke, gads, how extreme. Yeah, I suppose that's one sure-fire way of resolving different perspectives on baby-bathing or napkin-folding or salad fork placement, etc. But childhood would be unimaginable with a "no-grandmother-in-the-house" rule such as that.
5-yr-old Me: Where's gramma??
Mother: You know she's not allowed in the house.
Me: But it's my birthday!!
Mother: Rules iz rules.
Me:
How unfortunate for everyone. But it was probably just a joke, right? |
Why is that unfortunate?  Surely you don't think grandparents, or uncles or cousins for that matter, should be allowed access to their younger relations purely on the basis of DNA? What about grandparents that abused their children? Are the children then supposed to guarantee them access to their grandchildren? You have no way of knowing what a relative might have done to someone's child, in their presence or absence, that means they forfeit the right ever to step foot in their house again.
Sure, the OP's example was fairly mild. Most probably (hopefully) there's been no permanent damage done to the child. So we're all just speculating. What if there had been?
In our specific case, as with Mr. Pink, if grandmother visits are necessary, then we go to *her* house, and we can leave when we want. But there's hardly anything abnormal or unfortunate about not wanting a certain relative in your own house. If they can't or won't abide by the house rules, or have proved themselves untrustworthy in some important respects, then they can just stay where they are. |
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periwinkle
Joined: 08 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 12:38 am Post subject: |
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| My brother came home one day and heard his daughter screaming bloody murder. His wife (they have long since divorced) was giving their daughter a cold bath. And no, she didn't have a fever. After that, my brother forbade his wife to bathe their daughter. |
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JongnoGuru
Joined: 25 May 2004
Location: peeing on your doorstep
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 1:47 am Post subject: |
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| Corporal wrote: |
| Why is that unfortunate? Surely you don't think grandparents, or uncles or cousins for that matter, should be allowed access to their younger relations purely on the basis of DNA? |
Well, I never really thought about it in those terms -- 'access', DNA. Being the youngest of 30-odd cousins, some odder than others, in a family that seemed put on this planet for the sole purpose of having big-ass reunions (usually at our house), I was "massively accessible" to various arms and (clothed!) bosoms of older relatives since and before my earliest recollections.
| Quote: |
| What about grandparents that abused their children? Are the children then supposed to guarantee them access to their grandchildren? You have no way of knowing what a relative might have done to someone's child, in their presence or absence, that means they forfeit the right ever to step foot in their house again. |
Child abuse is territory I'm fortunate to be unfamiliar with. If it did exist among my relatives -- and yes, I guess I'd have no way of knowing for sure -- I never heard anything about it. I did have friends whose fathers were a bit liberal in their application of the belt, and occasionally when drunk, but that's about it. Anything else, things like spankings when kids are being wilfully unruly, etc., seem pretty normal and unabusive.
| Quote: |
| But there's hardly anything abnormal or unfortunate about not wanting a certain relative in your own house. If they can't or won't abide by the house rules, or have proved themselves untrustworthy in some important respects, then they can just stay where they are. |
I have an uncle who's always been quarrelsome, bordering on irate (towards my aunt and anyone who doesn't agree with his leftwing godless worldview), and a few cousins who I could live without. But as they are family, there's never been any question of their "right" to attend family gatherings, meals, pointless visits, etc. at our home. Since I'm not really understanding, could you give me some examples of the kind of "house rules" and the trust you mentioned which were violated? I refuse to believe my relatives are as uniquely well-behaved as all that. |
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Homer
Guest
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 2:47 am Post subject: |
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Hanson,
I underdstand where you are coming from man!
Perhaps a sit down conversation with your mother-in-law would be in order. You said she does some nice things too so that opens a door for a convo she will understand. Something along the lines of "when you do this it is great but concerning the bathing of the baby we prefer to do it our way".
I would not bar her from the house since there is no talk of abuse here....
Relationship with the grandparents can be a great thing for a child. I know my son has heaps of fun with his grand dad and grand mum here in Busan. She makes him laugh to no end and she is amazing with him except for a few quirks like the scrubbing and clothes in winter...she stopped doing that by the way when my wife and I explained to her our reasons....
Best of luck Hanson.  |
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eamo
Joined: 08 Mar 2003
Location: Shepherd's Bush, 1964.
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 5:52 am Post subject: |
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I haven't read the whole thread but I believe your relationship with your Korean in-laws will be based on how much money they have as opposed to how much earning potential you have.
Scenario A: You have great job prospects?
No problem. Virtually all parents of Koreans will welcome you into the family.
Scenario B: You are a lowly teacher? Never really going to break the 50 million per year mark?
You will be welcomed into the family if her/his parents are average earners too.
If the prospective in-laws are rich!!!??? Be prepared to battle for your woman.
It's a very cold and calculating approach which many young Koreans resent. The young koreans today have admirable romantic aspirations. They want to marry for love. It's their parents who insist that the couple must be economically compatible.
I have seen this situation play out with not only Korean-western couples but also Korean-korean couples. |
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Homer
Guest
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 6:12 am Post subject: |
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| How does this relate to the mother-in-law's attitude towards her grandchild? |
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eamo
Joined: 08 Mar 2003
Location: Shepherd's Bush, 1964.
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 6:41 am Post subject: |
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| Homer wrote: |
| How does this relate to the mother-in-law's attitude towards her grandchild? |
Not so much!! I admitted to not having read all the thread.........
However!
I believe it could have some bearing on Hanson's predicament. If he was a rich (meaning powerful) grandson-in-law he would be in a much better position to dictate to his MIL.
You don't think money doesn't equal power in this country?
In Korean family culture the money of those whom your sons and daughters marry is accessible.
If Hanson was rich his MIL would smarten up real quick and do what he says. |
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JongnoGuru
Joined: 25 May 2004
Location: peeing on your doorstep
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 7:07 am Post subject: |
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| eamo wrote: |
| Homer wrote: |
| How does this relate to the mother-in-law's attitude towards her grandchild? |
Not so much!! I admitted to not having read all the thread.........
However!
....
If Hanson was rich his grandmom-in-law would smarten up real quick and do what he says. |
Perhaps. In some instances I could see that affecting things. But (and it's Hanson's mother-in-law he's dealing with here... unless granny is sticking her nose in too!  ) I don't think any husband earns quite enough to make youngerish grandmothers stop wanting to play part-time mother to their grandchildren the way they want to.
And as Corporal says, or sort of says, or maybe I just dreamt this (I just stumbled in from a long nap and I'm not all here yet) Korean ajumas are famous for freight-train-like one-track-mindedness in general, and on matters relating to their grandchildren, whoa -- look out! Insane in the Membrane. I could definitely see it. And do, on TV. |
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Mr. Pink
Joined: 21 Oct 2003
Location: China
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| Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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Some MIL are nuts. Mine isn't so bad, but my FIL likes to drink and I don't like when he's drunk and around me or my kid. They also don't believe in car seats, that bugs the hell out of me. If they take my kid in the car without a car seat and have an accident, well I am pretty sure that will be the end of any contact I have with them EVER.
Perhaps I put my foot down early on in my marriage. We had a small place and having relatives stay over was stupid. My father came from Canada once and I wouldn't have him in our house either. It just didn't make sense considering motels are so cheap in this country.
If I was in my home country and had a small place, my family would never stay the night. The same concept goes here.
If my MIL did crazy things like the OPs, I would tell her straight up how I felt. MIL doesn't want to listen, don't let her see the kid for a couple months, they will come around. |
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