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princess
Joined: 16 Jan 2003
Location: soul of Asia
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 Posted: Tue May 29, 2007 3:37 pm Post subject: Re: relationship dilemmas |
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| jinks wrote: |
| cosmo wrote: |
| princess wrote: |
| I have a friend of mine who is wondering about something. Is it OK to see a man and never tell him that you were married before? Why would he even have to know????? |
Honesty is the best policy.
Tell him straight away. Sooner the better.
Tell him that and everything else about her history.
Tell him how many sexual partners she had.
Tell him how many times they did it.
Tell him what positions they did it in.
Honesty is the top priority in a relationship.
Trust me, I've been there. |
I agree that honesty is the best policy, but I really don't want to know about my partner's fabulous sex life with previous lovers/spouses. I really don't.
To the OP, things like ancient history marriages and divorces can come back and bite you if you try and conceal them from people who should know. How come your friend can confide in you, but not with the man she loves and wants to spend her future with? |
She's just afraid that he will hate her and leave her if she tells him she was married before. But it was only for 3 years, she has no kids, and she hasn't had many boyfriends or lovers. She's only slept with 7 guys and she's in her early 30s. She is a great girl who just made the mistake of marring her college boyfriend. They argued all the time, over stupid things, and the mariage ended. He would fight over food in the house with her. He acted like he never wanted her to eat. Even in a restaurant, they argued because he started getting on to her about eating. She decided she could not put up with a man who was so fearful of her gaining even one pound. Even though she is a small girl, he would always get on to her or give her dirty looks when she ate. |
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blackjack
Joined: 04 Jan 2006
Location: anyang
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2007 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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The thing is for something big like that and esp if the relationship gets serious the other person will find out. Put yourself in the guys shoes. You have been dating a girl for a while, say 1 year, then you find out through a common friend that the girl you have been dating was married. There will be one of two reactions
a. So what? does not bother me if you were married. but you should have told me, don't you trust me enough to tell me?
b. you were married!! damaged goods!! get away get away, evil woman.
situation a. you have broken a bit of trust, but things will be okay
situation b. why would you want to date a person like that anyway?
everyone has a history. if the person you are with can't accept that history then why are you with them?
Just ask yourself would you want to know? |
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pest2
Joined: 01 Jun 2005
Location: Vancouver, Canada
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| Posted: Tue May 29, 2007 4:24 pm Post subject: Re: relationship dilemmas |
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| princess wrote: |
| jinks wrote: |
| cosmo wrote: |
| princess wrote: |
| I have a friend of mine who is wondering about something. Is it OK to see a man and never tell him that you were married before? Why would he even have to know????? |
Honesty is the best policy.
Tell him straight away. Sooner the better.
Tell him that and everything else about her history.
Tell him how many sexual partners she had.
Tell him how many times they did it.
Tell him what positions they did it in.
Honesty is the top priority in a relationship.
Trust me, I've been there. |
I agree that honesty is the best policy, but I really don't want to know about my partner's fabulous sex life with previous lovers/spouses. I really don't.
To the OP, things like ancient history marriages and divorces can come back and bite you if you try and conceal them from people who should know. How come your friend can confide in you, but not with the man she loves and wants to spend her future with? |
She's just afraid that he will hate her and leave her if she tells him she was married before. But it was only for 3 years, she has no kids, and she hasn't had many boyfriends or lovers. She's only slept with 7 guys and she's in her early 30s. She is a great girl who just made the mistake of marring her college boyfriend. They argued all the time, over stupid things, and the mariage ended. He would fight over food in the house with her. He acted like he never wanted her to eat. Even in a restaurant, they argued because he started getting on to her about eating. She decided she could not put up with a man who was so fearful of her gaining even one pound. Even though she is a small girl, he would always get on to her or give her dirty looks when she ate. |
Im writing a novel like that, too. But in my novel, the girl lives in France and has a cancor sore on her lip. She was married to a female, one legged prostituted named Chloe before, and her father caught them in bed together. She meets this guy named Pierre, and he is a very traditional French guy who always wants her to put keep her left hand in her lap while she eats her filet mignon. She loves him for his magnificent wit and charming moustache, but she is afraid to tell him about Chloe. She is a wonderful and kind woman with nice hips and a small pointy nose. She just didnt realize the dangers of lesbianism at such a young age. She has only tried other women 8 times. The only man she was ever with was her uncle Bernard. Despite being her uncle, he was very kind and gentle with her. Unfortunately, he was run over by a goat pulling a cart in Bordeaux. The whole experience caused her to fear naked men and goats.
I think my story is way better. Let's see what the other posters on Dave's have to say. |
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Xian
Joined: 08 Jan 2006
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| Posted: Wed May 30, 2007 2:42 am Post subject: |
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Ignorance is not always bliss. Princess, this lie will always be in 'your friends' mind and unresolved. Along with the heavy burden of carrying that burden, your friend will also have a great fear of the news being found out and the possible results that could occur as a result (obviously).
I could say that your friend will also have guilt about their lie, but I believe that the issue and resultant posting of this thread might be a sign and result of your friends guilt about lying and knowing that they are not being honest with someone they love when they should be.
It will eat away at your friend while its kept in the dark and there will never be peace about the situation until its brought out into the light. Only then could the person really move on freely into the future with liberty, being free of the fear that comes with this type of news. Its a heavy burden that I would want to unload as soon as possible.
Honestly, its a hard situation, if the man didn't want to proceed after hearing the news, I would suggest he isn't fully in love with the person for who they are. |
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Thumbnail Postermonkey
Joined: 24 Jul 2006
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| Posted: Wed May 30, 2007 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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If there's a possibility that the realtionship goes further, I say spill the beans and give all details pertinent as soon as it's comfortable to do so. I'm talking from experience - I recall a gf I had who had a brutally honest demeanor and told me everything in painstaking detail. Not only did this policy make me excessively and frequently horny, it also helped us along a path to where we eventually became involved in an intimate, open and trusting relationship.
Come to think of it, maybe I should have married her. Oh well.
If the other person is worthy, you gotta be honest with them and damn the consequences. |
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cosmo
Joined: 09 Nov 2006
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| Posted: Wed May 30, 2007 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Thumbnail Postermonkey wrote: |
| I'm talking from experience - I recall a gf I had who had a brutally honest demeanor and told me everything in painstaking detail. |
So, what were the details?
Seriously, Princess, if your friend and her friend decide to get married, the truth will have to be told when filing application for marriage.
Unless she is going to lie on the forms and claim no previous marriage.
Until the time of planning a marriage, I do not see a need to tell.
Until that time, I recommend that your friend should follow a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
Suppose she wants to tell at an earlier stage. In that case, the question arises, "When would the appropriate time be?"
In my opinion, there is no appropriate time, and the calculated risk of telling could hurt the relationship or worse.
Consider an aspect of the situation in a sense as you would consider a job interview.
A job interview is not about being honest concerning every detail of your life history. It is about being selective in what you tell.
(In case you didn't know, I was j/k in my previous post.)  |
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kermo
Joined: 01 Sep 2004
Location: Eating eggs, with a comb, out of a shoe.
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 12:05 am Post subject: |
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| Thumbnail Postermonkey wrote: |
If there's a possibility that the realtionship goes further, I say spill the beans and give all details pertinent as soon as it's comfortable to do so. I'm talking from experience - I recall a gf I had who had a brutally honest demeanor and told me everything in painstaking detail. Not only did this policy make me excessively and frequently horny, it also helped us along a path to where we eventually became involved in an intimate, open and trusting relationship.
Come to think of it, maybe I should have married her. Oh well.
If the other person is worthy, you gotta be honest with them and damn the consequences. |
Amen.
p.s. Was it me? |
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faster
Joined: 03 Sep 2006
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 12:16 am Post subject: Re: relationship dilemmas |
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| princess wrote: |
| She's just afraid that he will hate her and leave her if she tells him she was married before. |
There's nothing to be afraid of. If he's going to leave, it's better that it happens now than later. If I were the man, I'd be much more likely to dump a girl who hid something like this from me than a girl who had something like this in her past and was open with me about it.
Nobody should waste their time with liars. |
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cosmo
Joined: 09 Nov 2006
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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Angelina Jolie was previously married and divorced twice before her marriage to Brad Pitt.
That isn't a secret, but the point is that a previous marriage should not be considered as a pejorative that requires announcing it at the start, to someone who has not asked about it.
In that sense that would be like telling someone, "before we go any further in this relationship,
I want to inform you that I have been convicted of a felony and I am an ex convict."
A previous marriage should be considered differently than a criminal history.
If they are specifically asked that is one thing, but there is no need to tell at an early stage, if you are not asked.
It is not a situation that if you do not announce it at the beginning, you are hiding it.
It is just something in your past that happened, not to be considered as a point of shame. |
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faster
Joined: 03 Sep 2006
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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| cosmo wrote: |
Angelina Jolie was previously married and divorced twice before her marriage to Brad Pitt.
That isn't a secret, but the point is that a previous marriage should not be considered as a pejorative that requires announcing it at the start, to someone who has not asked about it.
In that sense that would be like telling someone, "before we go any further in this relationship,
I want to inform you that I have been convicted of a felony and I am an ex convict."
A previous marriage should be considered differently than a criminal history.
If they are specifically asked that is one thing, but there is no need to tell at an early stage, if you are not asked.
It is not a situation that if you do not announce it at the beginning, you are hiding it.
It is just something in your past that happened, not to be considered as a point of shame. |
But this question is predicated on the idea that it may be considered a negative, and the person in question is clearly *intentionally* not mentioning it--an omission that does nothing but reinforce the idea that it's a negative.
If the person in question agrees with you (as I do) that a previous marriage is nothing to be ashamed of, then why would she even want to get serious with someone who'd think otherwise? Why not out with it and see the dude's true colors? |
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