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PolyChronic Time Girl
Joined: 15 Dec 2004
Location: Korea Exited
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 Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:17 am Post subject: |
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| Tiger Beer wrote: |
| PolyChronic Time Girl wrote: |
| It sounds cliche but if she really does like you and is serious about what she says, then she's gonna wait till you are ready (but she won't wait forever). |
Something I've always wondered.. how does one know when they are 'ready'?
How did you know? |
For me..I knew after two years together..that's plenty of time to have some good fights and know how to resolve them. Plus we live together and I'm glad I did that because we live in a 12 pyeong apartment and realize we can do that without killing each other.
I guess I really knew because I just feel heartbroken as I think of being separated from him or what happens if I get deported or some crap like that. I also have feelings of horror of being separated from him and something happening to me. I'm gonna take him back to the States when I go back to graduate school...we're going through that wedding visa process now.
But marriage is always a gamble, no matter how long you've been together. |
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drgoo
Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Location: Home, sweet home
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:22 am Post subject: |
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If she's starting to think about the future she's thinking about having kids. If you catch her "hinting" at marriage again ask her point blank what her "hinting" is about.
Ask her what she wants and then talk about it. Don't get all freaked because she MIGHT be thinking about marriage.
DO get all freaked out if she's already thinking about having kids and you're not married yet.
Otherwise, shut up and enjoy the ride. She's in the shower, will probably want to have sex, and you'd rather play with your new electronic Korean dictionary?
You've got much bigger problems than you think and her possible desire to marry isn't one of them.
Love to all,
dG |
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anae
Joined: 13 May 2003
Location: cowtown
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:24 am Post subject: |
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Tiger Beer:
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Something I've always wondered.. how does one know when they are 'ready'?
How did you know? |
I felt at peace in my heart. I felt joy at the thought of setting up a home, bringing children into the world, and growing old with him. |
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PolyChronic Time Girl
Joined: 15 Dec 2004
Location: Korea Exited
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:31 am Post subject: |
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| anae wrote: |
Tiger Beer:
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Something I've always wondered.. how does one know when they are 'ready'?
How did you know? |
I felt at peace in my heart. I felt joy at the thought of setting up a home, bringing children into the world, and growing old with him. |
Very true. When the place you want to be the most is with him/her....and you no longer fear that you are "missing out" on other things. Wow, talk about a Hallmark sentiment  |
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Tiger Beer
Joined: 07 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:41 am Post subject: |
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| anae wrote: |
Tiger Beer:
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Something I've always wondered.. how does one know when they are 'ready'?
How did you know? |
I felt at peace in my heart. I felt joy at the thought of setting up a home, bringing children into the world, and growing old with him. |
I always feel that women are more apt to feel this way.
For men, the first two means financial stress and enormous responsibility for the rest of your living days? Or is that just my own hang-up? |
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Blind Willie
Joined: 05 May 2004
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 7:51 am Post subject: |
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| Tiger Beer wrote: |
| For men, the first two means financial stress and enormous responsibility for the rest of your living days? Or is that just my own hang-up? |
Brother you're not alone.
Of course, I think the whole property trading ceremony is pointless in itself. If you want to spend life together, just damned well do it. |
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anae
Joined: 13 May 2003
Location: cowtown
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:05 am Post subject: |
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| For men, the first two means financial stress and enormous responsibility for the rest of your living days? Or is that just my own hang-up? |
I don't know whether this is a result of your own personal definition of sex roles or if it has been brought about by the type of women you have been dating.
My husband and I are partners in every sense and that includes financial. I never wanted him to feel stressed because he had to be the sole provider and I expressed that to him when we first talked about marriage. Though now I am a stay at home mom, I made sure that I had the training and job experience to go back to work at a momment's notice should that be necessary for us.
As for responsibility, IMHO I don't think you can enjoy some of life's greatest joys without signing up for some. My life has completely changed with my new responsibilities (see avatar), but I wouldn't change a thing for all of the freedom in the world. |
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Tiger Beer
Joined: 07 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:47 am Post subject: |
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| anae wrote: |
| Quote: |
| For men, the first two means financial stress and enormous responsibility for the rest of your living days? Or is that just my own hang-up? |
I don't know whether this is a result of your own personal definition of sex roles or if it has been brought about by the type of women you have been dating.
My husband and I are partners in every sense and that includes financial. I never wanted him to feel stressed because he had to be the sole provider and I expressed that to him when we first talked about marriage. Though now I am a stay at home mom, I made sure that I had the training and job experience to go back to work at a momment's notice should that be necessary for us. |
I think that last part is the part that scares me - supporting a wife (stay-at-home-mom with a child).
That anxiety isn't AS bad for me in Korea..
But the last few times I lived in the US (which included San Francisco and New York City the last two times).. I shared 4-bedroom apartments and struggled with my college-educated money-earning capabilities to just pay 1/4 of the rent. The idea of suddenly having to pay the entire rent and all of the food and everything else is a bit terrifying. |
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Buff
Joined: 07 Apr 2004
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:53 am Post subject: |
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It came up right away (within a couple of months) but it sounded more like "neither of us is ready to get married just yet so let's just see where this goes" After about a year we decided that we wanted to get married at some point in the future. Then 4 months later, with the prospect of being separated for a few years after I go back home and he finishes grad school here, he figured that sooner was better than later after all and popped the question. It was a very non-pressured thing.
If you have no inkling of whether she's at least the KIND of girl you want to be with, it's not really worth hanging around. Why have all that pressure on both of you. If you think there's a possibility just tell her you want to see where it goes but you're not in a place where you can offer guarantees and see how she reacts. I'm sure you know all this...it's not just about finding a good person...the life priorities should match up as well. |
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anae
Joined: 13 May 2003
Location: cowtown
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 9:12 am Post subject: |
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| But the last few times I lived in the US (which included San Francisco and New York City the last two times).. I shared 4-bedroom apartments and struggled with my college-educated money-earning capabilities to just pay 1/4 of the rent. The idea of suddenly having to pay the entire rent and all of the food and everything else is a bit terrifying. |
As partners, a husband and wife would have to work these things out as a team. It may be wouldn't make sense to have a stay-at-home mom in NYC. If the spouses think someone should be home, then maybe a move to a smaller centre would be in order.
We can't afford to live in the style we think is best for our family in Vancouver, Montreal, or Toronto, so we opted to live in Calgary. Having a parent at home in Calgary is very doable. We can pay the mortgage, food, insurnace, utilities, home improvement projects, car payments, RRSP & RESP contributions, entertainment, and still save for vacations. |
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sonofthedarkstranger
Joined: 15 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 12:31 pm Post subject: |
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Seems you 2 are on different time tracks, and one of you will have to make a huge leap of faith to keep the thing going. The stakes get higher with each passing month. The clock is ticking. Joy and pain hang in the balance. Whatchu gonna do??  This game is do or die. Takes nerves. But you're welcome to step off the train anytime you choose.
How do you know when you're ready? You just know when you know. If you're looking for some kind of indicator...you're not ready.
Try to divine if she is all antsy to marry you in particular of all guys, or if she's just antsy to get married. What role does social pressure play in her desire to wed you? (The only correct answer is: none.)
How about you? Granted you don't know yet, but can you at least see it as a possibility? Or is your brain just not generating that thought? Would you rather hide from the thought? (And it's fine if that's the case, don't get me wrong. Not being ready to marry this girl is perfectly valid).
I guess what I'm saying is, only one person here knows these answers. And that person is you: Derrek/Gollum.
We cannot help you. |
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adventureman
Joined: 18 Feb 2003
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| Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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| I can't wait to hear the break-up story in another few weeks. |
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Pyongshin Sangja
Joined: 20 Apr 2003
Location: I love baby!
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| Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 12:59 am Post subject: |
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Derrek, expensive gifts, talking about marriage, weekends together.
Schnikies.
Any (ok, fine, the only) time a Korean girl did that to me, she was giving me full clearance for take-off.
I know you're a tall guy but you may already be in over your head.
Either you give her a duck, or it ends in tears.
Your choice. |
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Derrek
Joined: 15 Jan 2003
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| Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 1:51 am Post subject: |
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Hey, I like her.. I really do. I'm just not at the "I WANT TO MARRY YOU AND BE WITH YOU FOREVER AND YOU TO BE MY WIFE AND HAVE MILLIONS OF BABIES" stage. Is it wrong to want to wait a while and see what I really feel? Or to see if we are truly compatible?
We happened to sit and watch Oprah's latest "He's just not into you" story the other night. That show made me angry. It's as if Oprah is telling people (with the help of that guy) to give up on their boyfriend/husband if they aren't kissing your ass 24/7 because they, "just aren't into you."
That guy who wrote the book is easily laughing his way to the bank -- playing off of female fears to sell books. Some cases he was right, but I can see too many girls getting emotionally insecure VERY quickly after that episode. I think a lot of healthy, non-movie fantasy-type relationships are going to be damaged after that trash of a show.
I wished so much that I could say, "HEY, STUPID!!! Sometimes men don't call every day, even if they want to, because the WOMAN often does nothing to reciprocate. Personally, if the woman isn't calling me at least half as much as I call her, I back off. I don't want her to think I'm a stalker or something." |
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ersatzprofessor
Joined: 17 Apr 2003
Location: Same as it ever was ... Same as it ever WAS
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| Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 2:26 am Post subject: |
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| Tiger Beer wrote: |
| anae wrote: |
Tiger Beer:
| Quote: |
Something I've always wondered.. how does one know when they are 'ready'?
How did you know? |
I felt at peace in my heart. I felt joy at the thought of setting up a home, bringing children into the world, and growing old with him. |
I always feel that women are more apt to feel this way.
For men, the first two means financial stress and enormous responsibility for the rest of your living days? Or is that just my own hang-up? |
No, that pretty much sums it up.
But kids are fun though. |
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