Korean Job Discussion Forums

[anae]

Sorry to hear about your predicament. Before giving advice I wanted to hear about your relationship with your FIL. It sounds a bit formal from what you have explained. In that case, I would tread lightly like you are thinking of doing - leaving the room, putting ash trays out of main living spaces, seeing about subtle pressure from MIL. Sometimes with stubborn men it is best to let them think it is their idea.

I applaud your husband for saying something. It must have been hard for him. Even with my more laid back FIL, my husband said that it would be a very difficult thing to ask.

It would be interesting to see how he would be at your home if you were back in Canada. I know my FIL felt very free of Korean cultural constraints here. He has always treated me very informally, but here we became quite close and he started throwing lots of rules out the window.

[Harpeau]

I'm totally with Grotto on this one. Nobody smokes in our house. You wanna smoke. Out on the balcony. I've sent some important Koreans out there to the embarrassment of my wife. The good thing is that it is irrespective of persons. I treat all smokers the same. Fresh air is very important for me. I've got to breath lots of crap when I sing & play guitar in pubs. I come home and my hair and clothes stink to high heaven of smoke. I need my fresh air. Maybe I'm being a tad rude, but I think smoking in another person's home that doesn't wish to have it is much ruder.

Harpeau

Please try not to smoke and I'll try not to fart!

[Squid]

It's his house and he can smoke in it if he wants to.

[Grotto]

hey squid you should read the op first before making a contrary comment

[jazblanc77]

[little mixed girl]

what about getting some NO SMOKING signs and the pic of the cig with the slash through it and putting them up on the outside of the front door and all around the house?

that way u can:
a- point to the sign,
b- put up your request without having to be 'rude' about it,
c- having it everywhere should make him get the point.

[SuperHero]

[tzechuk]

Casey's, just out of interest.. does your husband smoke too? If he does, he can always go outside with his father. My husband smokes but finally, after years of nagging, he's now got used to going upstairs to the rooftop to smoke. Of course, having a baby around also makes him more willing not to smoke around the house.

It's difficult to resolve this problem because Korean don't see anything wrong with smoking inside. My husband, however, tells everyone as soon as they enter that there is no smoking inside, which makes my life a lot easier.

[casey's moon]

No, my husband doesn't smoke. Actually, while asking someone not to smoke in your own home is rude in Korea, apparently making a big stink about opening the windows and fanning the air while someone is smoking in their OWN home is okay in Korea! That's what my husband, his brother and my MIL do when FIL smokes anywhere.

I have to say that although a few of you really don't understand my situation that well (and believe me Grotto and Harpeau -- I would have said exactly the same thing as you even just a year ago), basically every post is helpful to me in some way (with the exception of Squid's who I think didn't read the OP), and I'm grateful. Talking to the MIL, setting up an ashtray and a comfortable place to sit in the balcony, complaining silently by leaving the room, but not forcing my husband into a serious battle with his father are the most appropriate and helpful suggestions for my personality and my situation.

My husband agrees with me that I have one of the most difficult FIL's in this country (he is warmhearted when it comes right down to it though), and everything takes longer with him.

As for our home smelling like smoke -- actually, if the windows are open, the smoke doesn't linger enough for the smell to soak into things. Have you ever entered a Korean home that reeked of smoke the way some homes do back in our respective home countries? I seriously haven't and I believe that's because Korean always open the windows when they smoke, even in the winter.

Grotto, when there is a cigarrette hanging from anyone's mouth, they won't be handling my child -- that much you can be sure of. At that point, I will have a much stronger argument than I do now. I will probably even put up non-smoking signs at that point, and explain, �ֱ⸦ ���ؼ� for the sake of the baby.

Thanks so much, especially those of you who went to the trouble of talking with your Korean spouses about this issue!

[Squid]

Point being in Korea it seems the FIL will treat it like his home. Sorry if I was being obtuse.

Mine treats the place like his own and I could'nt give a damn. If the kids are around he wanders off outside somewhere for a cigarette. It's no big deal...open a window.

[JongnoGuru]

[Ody]

[canadian_in_korea]

I think what most of these types of problems come down to is the korean spouse. Does he/she have the backbone to tell their parents what they will and won't accept. My husband has always told his mother and father that basically his life is his own, this was before I ever came along I should add....he also has never accepted financial support (short of university) since he has been an adult...so he says because he doesn't accept the "help"...it gave him more say. My husband also made it clear that I am not a Korean woman...yes I respect their customs and culture, but I have never been and will never be a korean woman....I'm not sure to what extent he explained this but I do know that when I visit my mother in law, sister in laws or brother in law's houses....if I try to help they tell me to take a rest...maybe I'm very lucky...but I just kind of assumed that most Koreans married to a foreigner would have at least told their families that they can't expect anything of you as a foreigner that they wouldn't be willing to change themselves. If they come to your country are they going to live by your culture and customs...? Most likely not....respect is earned not given....yes it does have to be given to be earned....but its also a two way street...you can't demand respect or earn respect unless you give respect. If your husband won't ask his father not to smoke in your house...then I'd be telling him to open windows, light candles and when he is actually smoking leave the area.

[Pyongshin Sangja]

You're a woman, right? I guess that means you can smoke, too. Light up a big stogie and tell him you are following his example. Get this latent dislike of foreigners right out into the open. Don't let this continue at all. Pull out the Korean Constitution, read the part about equal rights for men and women, then light up, scratch your crotch and maybe spit on the floor for effect.

By the way, I don't smoke at all and would never do so in anyone's home for damn sure.

[casey's moon]