|
Korean Job Discussion Forums
"The Internet's Meeting Place for ESL/EFL Teachers from Around the World!"
|
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Poltergeist
Joined: 03 Sep 2010
|
 Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 8:32 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
| wooden nickels wrote: |
Before marriage, my wife and I had long talks about things we wouldn't do without the consent of the other:
- spend more than 100,000 won (unless extreme emergency)
- alter hair color, style, length
- get tattoos, piercings
- change clothing styles
- etc.
We never went into marriage with the 'It's my money/body/life and I will do what I want attitude.'
We make decisions with the consent of the other. If both aren't happy with a decision, we don't do it.
A selfish attitude doesn't have its place in a healthy relationship.
*As husband and wife, we have an agreement that our bodies, emotions/feelings, decisions, money, etc. belong to each other. We attempt to function as one, together. So far the plan has worked wonderfully. We have had and are having a beautiful life together in every way, emotionally and financially. |
OMG ... your wife can't get a haircut and shop for clothes (or even expensive groceries) without permission?! WTF |
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
wooden nickels
Joined: 23 May 2010
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 9:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Poltergeist wrote: |
| wooden nickels wrote: |
Before marriage, my wife and I had long talks about things we wouldn't do without the consent of the other:
- spend more than 100,000 won (unless extreme emergency)
- alter hair color, style, length
- get tattoos, piercings
- change clothing styles
- etc.
We never went into marriage with the 'It's my money/body/life and I will do what I want attitude.'
We make decisions with the consent of the other. If both aren't happy with a decision, we don't do it.
A selfish attitude doesn't have its place in a healthy relationship.
*As husband and wife, we have an agreement that our bodies, emotions/feelings, decisions, money, etc. belong to each other. We attempt to function as one, together. So far the plan has worked wonderfully. We have had and are having a beautiful life together in every way, emotionally and financially. |
OMG ... your wife can't get a haircut and shop for clothes (or even expensive groceries) without permission?! WTF |
If my wife is going to get a haircut, she simply tells me she is going to get a couple of centimeters cut of etc., I do the same when I'm going to get my haircut.
There's no problem if my wife or myself go shopping, alone or with other friends, for clothes and spend 50,000 or 60,000 won without the other's OK. However, my wife would never go out and spend 120,000 won for a purse without discussing it with me. Likewise, I would never go out and spend 120,000 won for a jacket without discussing it with her.
Seldom do my wife or I ever spend over 50,000 won for groceries at any one time. Too, we are frugal shoppers, an occasional steak but not too often. We usually cook at home and have very healthy meals.
OMG ... my wife and I are blissfully happy in our marriage (and are becoming even happier as time goes by), we love and respect each other, we own our own successful business and our apartment is paid for, we have zero debt and cash in the bank plus several investments! WTF |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
RMNC
Joined: 21 Jul 2010
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 10:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| So no one else thinks double eyelids look better 99% of the time? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
BoholDiver
Joined: 03 Oct 2009
Location: Canada
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 25, 2010 11:02 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It's not a permission thing. It's more like showing the basic respect to tell someone you want to do something and seeing their reaction. If there is an objection, it can be talked out.
It seems a lot of single people and even some married people on here don't seem to have a clue.
| Poltergeist wrote: |
| wooden nickels wrote: |
Before marriage, my wife and I had long talks about things we wouldn't do without the consent of the other:
- spend more than 100,000 won (unless extreme emergency)
- alter hair color, style, length
- get tattoos, piercings
- change clothing styles
- etc.
We never went into marriage with the 'It's my money/body/life and I will do what I want attitude.'
We make decisions with the consent of the other. If both aren't happy with a decision, we don't do it.
A selfish attitude doesn't have its place in a healthy relationship.
*As husband and wife, we have an agreement that our bodies, emotions/feelings, decisions, money, etc. belong to each other. We attempt to function as one, together. So far the plan has worked wonderfully. We have had and are having a beautiful life together in every way, emotionally and financially. |
OMG ... your wife can't get a haircut and shop for clothes (or even expensive groceries) without permission?! WTF |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
mc_jc
Joined: 13 Aug 2009
Location: C4B- Cp Red Cloud, Area-I
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 12:08 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
It's not a permission thing. It's more like showing the basic respect to tell someone you want to do something and seeing their reaction. If there is an objection, it can be talked out.
It seems a lot of single people and even some married people on here don't seem to have a clue.
|
It's called a discussion.
It is an integral part of any relationship.
But the big question is what a person should do if the other person doesn't listen to their significant other's advice or opinion?
It is not like she stole his money to have it done.
Again (as always) what would be a person's feelings or reactions if the spouse is not Asian, but a western woman?
Would they still need their husband's permission to get some kind of cosmetic surgery done- even if they had the money to pay for it?
I believe they would talk about their partners opinions and feelings, but I believe it would have little impact if the person is determined to have it done.
The more threads I read here, the more I see why many men chose to marry Korean women in particular and Asian women in general- the perceived belief in control. In Asia, men are comsidered kings of the family while in the west, men are seemingly 'forced' to compromise and discuss issues directly with their wives.
| Quote: |
Before marriage, my wife and I had long talks about things we wouldn't do without the consent of the other:
- spend more than 100,000 won (unless extreme emergency)
- alter hair color, style, length
- get tattoos, piercings
- change clothing styles
- etc.
|
If these rules were agreed upon out of being frugal, I'd say more power to you.
But I would have to ask how a person's hair color and clothing style have to do with being frugal?
If you are the main income earner for your family, I could greatly understand. But if she has a job or the money to pay for the coloring of her hair or the style of clothes she wants to purchase, then why should you care?
Again, this sounds like control to me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
liveinkorea316
Joined: 20 Aug 2010
Location: South Korea
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 1:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
| mc_jc wrote: |
| The more threads I read here, the more I see why many men chose to marry Korean women in particular and Asian women in general- the perceived belief in control. In Asia, men are comsidered kings of the family while in the west, men are seemingly 'forced' to compromise and discuss issues directly with their wives. |
I am calling BS on that. Can you please link to some threads (one or two will do) on this site where Western Men are giving you the impression they married Korean women because they want to control them.
Like many of your reasons and opinions, I think they are being formed elsewhere - i.e. not on this site and not from Koreans. You are banging on the wrong doors. I have met thousands of Korean women - they are just and free-minded and independent as any western women i have met. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
mc_jc
Joined: 13 Aug 2009
Location: C4B- Cp Red Cloud, Area-I
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 3:43 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
I am calling BS on that. Can you please link to some threads (one or two will do) on this site where Western Men are giving you the impression they married Korean women because they want to control them.
|
www.eslcafe.com
and this thread in particular.
Why would it matter if a person changes their appearance?
Why get frustrated about it?
Based on the original post, the OP got upset because she altered her appearance.
Would it be an issue if it were a western woman?
I don't think so.
My next question is; would a western woman ask for permission from her spouse to do something?
They might discuss the matter, but I highly doubt she would ask for permission if it were her funds being used.
| Quote: |
| Like many of your reasons and opinions, I think they are being formed elsewhere - i.e. not on this site and not from Koreans. You are banging on the wrong doors. I have met thousands of Korean women - they are just and free-minded and independent as any western women i have met. |
Please tell me your reasoning regarding the issue.
Where were your opinions formed on the matter?
Where does it say that a woman needs to seek her husband's permission to do something?
Please go back and look at some of the context behind some of the posts being written here.
If the OP's wife had tried to discuss the matter with her husband, yet her husband dismissed the suggestion, it shows a lack of communication. Had he taken the subject seriously and sat down to talk about his feelings and opinions, she might not have had the procedure done.
It comes down the subject of control with a lack of equality.
Marriages are based on mutual communication and understanding between the two individuals involed, but it also has to be done on an equal understanding.
If she had done it without seeking the OP's opinion and feelings, it shows that both might not see each other as equal partners.
Having lived in Korea for almost 20 years, I have seen the marriages that worked and those that failed. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
liveinkorea316
Joined: 20 Aug 2010
Location: South Korea
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
so you havent actually got any basis for your assertions of submissive korean wives and controlling western husbands. thought so.
korean women often act submissive to their korean husbands and older men. but not with westerners. never. you are making everything up buddy.
the OP's wife DID go behind his back. what she did was a major change to her face, out of vanity. it has rightly shocked her husband. i am sure she would be shocked if he got lipvand nose and eye surgery that made him look feminine. she would gag. so would anyone.
the issue was never permission, it was consideration. she didnt have it. he has forgiven her but i hope she realised he is actually her husband and not just her friend or flatmate. with the benefits of marriage you also take the responsibilities ~ to communnicate and involve your partner in your life and important decsions. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Globutron
Joined: 13 Feb 2010
Location: England/Anyang
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 5:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| the issue was never permission, it was consideration. she didnt have it. he has forgiven her but i hope she realised he is actually her husband and not just her friend or flatmate. with the benefits of marriage you also take the responsibilities ~ to communnicate and involve your partner in your life and important decsions. |
What is it people do...ah yes, +1 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Sector7G
Joined: 24 May 2008
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
| mc_jc wrote: |
The more threads I read here, the more I see why many men chose to marry Korean women in particular and Asian women in general- the perceived belief in control. In Asia, men are comsidered kings of the family while in the west, men are seemingly 'forced' to compromise and discuss issues directly with their wives.
|
Maybe that's the reason Korean women marry western men, the perceived belief that they will actually have a say in matters. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
wooden nickels
Joined: 23 May 2010
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:04 am Post subject: |
|
|
| mc_jc wrote: |
| Quote: |
It's not a permission thing. It's more like showing the basic respect to tell someone you want to do something and seeing their reaction. If there is an objection, it can be talked out.
It seems a lot of single people and even some married people on here don't seem to have a clue.
|
It's called a discussion.
It is an integral part of any relationship.
But the big question is what a person should do if the other person doesn't listen to their significant other's advice or opinion?
It is not like she stole his money to have it done.
Again (as always) what would be a person's feelings or reactions if the spouse is not Asian, but a western woman?
Would they still need their husband's permission to get some kind of cosmetic surgery done- even if they had the money to pay for it?
I believe they would talk about their partners opinions and feelings, but I believe it would have little impact if the person is determined to have it done.
The more threads I read here, the more I see why many men chose to marry Korean women in particular and Asian women in general- the perceived belief in control. In Asia, men are comsidered kings of the family while in the west, men are seemingly 'forced' to compromise and discuss issues directly with their wives.
| Quote: |
Before marriage, my wife and I had long talks about things we wouldn't do without the consent of the other:
- spend more than 100,000 won (unless extreme emergency)
- alter hair color, style, length
- get tattoos, piercings
- change clothing styles
- etc.
|
If these rules were agreed upon out of being frugal, I'd say more power to you.
But I would have to ask how a person's hair color and clothing style have to do with being frugal?
If you are the main income earner for your family, I could greatly understand. But if she has a job or the money to pay for the coloring of her hair or the style of clothes she wants to purchase, then why should you care?
Again, this sounds like control to me. |
These decisions were never based on being frugal. The decisions were made as responsible adults. While dating/before marriage, my wife and I discussed our concerns as responsible adults. Believe me, our marriage has nothing to do with control. My wife and I were, and still are, 100% happy with OUR decisions. It's not like we have some kind of rigid RULE program. We both had full input in the decisions. These were happy discussions that have brought peace, comfort, and stability to our marriage.
No, it's not really just about being frugal. It's financial responsibility.
We don't make drastic changes in our appearance, well, because we don't want to be on some site asking strangers what they would do in this situation.
My wife and I own our business together. It's not my money and it's not her money, it's our money.
I should care because she is my wife. She should care because I am her husband. What's more important is that we care because we are concerned with each others happiness. Every day my goal is to make my wife happy and her goal is to make me happy. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my wife smile, and she says she feels the same way when she does something that makes me smile.
My wife and I have been married 6 years. Yes, we still talk about our marriage as though it's in the honeymoon stage. And, we enjoy having talks about happily growing old together.
The reason I respond to posts about finance and marriage isn't to boast or sound high and mighty. It's simply to say what has worked for me and my wife. Hopefully, it's some good advice for others.
We are two emotionally and financially responsible people who have concern and love for each other.
If it sounds like control to you, so be it. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
wooden nickels
Joined: 23 May 2010
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
Bingo!
| BoholDiver wrote: |
It's not a permission thing. It's more like showing the basic respect to tell someone you want to do something and seeing their reaction. If there is an objection, it can be talked out.
It seems a lot of single people and even some married people on here don't seem to have a clue.
| Poltergeist wrote: |
| wooden nickels wrote: |
Before marriage, my wife and I had long talks about things we wouldn't do without the consent of the other:
- spend more than 100,000 won (unless extreme emergency)
- alter hair color, style, length
- get tattoos, piercings
- change clothing styles
- etc.
We never went into marriage with the 'It's my money/body/life and I will do what I want attitude.'
We make decisions with the consent of the other. If both aren't happy with a decision, we don't do it.
A selfish attitude doesn't have its place in a healthy relationship.
*As husband and wife, we have an agreement that our bodies, emotions/feelings, decisions, money, etc. belong to each other. We attempt to function as one, together. So far the plan has worked wonderfully. We have had and are having a beautiful life together in every way, emotionally and financially. |
OMG ... your wife can't get a haircut and shop for clothes (or even expensive groceries) without permission?! WTF |
|
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
northway
Joined: 05 Jul 2010
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
| If, at the end of the day, this was heavily discussed back and forth, with it being equally important to the wife to get the surgery and to the OP for her not to get the surgery, with neither side being willing to give in, who should ultimately have to bend? I would think that if something is that important to your partner and it's something they want to do to their body, compassion would dictate that you gracefully accept their choice, if your desires are equally in conflict. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
wooden nickels
Joined: 23 May 2010
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:45 am Post subject: |
|
|
| northway wrote: |
| If, at the end of the day, this was heavily discussed back and forth, with it being equally important to the wife to get the surgery and to the OP for her not to get the surgery, with neither side being willing to give in, who should ultimately have to bend? I would think that if something is that important to your partner and it's something they want to do to their body, compassion would dictate that you gracefully accept their choice, if your desires are equally in conflict. |
I say never proceed into something that doesn't bring happiness to both.
My wife and I never proceed into something that doesn't bring happiness to both. We were perfectly content with each other before marriage. We agreed to accept each other as we were, forever.
We still proceed and make changes in life, but only with the full consent of each other. We don't let our desires come into conflict, no selfish pettiness.
I know my wife would never want me to get a Mohawk haircut. I would never do this because I know my present hairstyle brings my wife happiness. I honestly believe my wife would never get a Tattoo of a skull on her forehead because the way she looks now brings me happiness.
Responsible adults, no selfishness pettiness...
At the end of the day, we are both happy.
Grow up kids! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
stevieg4ever
Joined: 11 Feb 2006
Location: London, England
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 26, 2010 6:52 am Post subject: |
|
|
There are two issues here:
1) the actual surgery
2) the fact she didn't tell him
I might not be married but I find it truly astonishing that someone would get some kind of reconstructive surgery without talking about it with their other half. Its kind of disturbing to be honest and extremely disrespectful.
Thing is you can bet your bottom dollar that she told this friend, that friend and the rest of them. Why not her husband?
This sort of thing sets a very bad precedent for the marriage. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
