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[noguri]

I have a three year old who is quite a ball of love and affection, but when it is time for her to do what mom or dad say (such as getting ready to go to preschool in the morning) she is impossible to handle.

I am shopping online for child discipline books and my wife says that buying a book blindly without previewing won't be useful, and I should find a website where people discuss parenting issues.

Any suggestions out there? Is there a parents' cafe in internet land?

Alternatively, has anyone found a book that helps with child discipline?

[OneWayTraffic]

Try the countdown from ten. At one you go get her and put her clothes on forcibly or tickle her. Works wonders with my three year old.

Getting her to bed earlier helps too.

Involving her in the decisions helps too. Often it's not being rebelious as such, they just want to express individuality. Instead of giving her clothes, ask her what "she wants to wear to playschool today."

[kermo]

I don't have kids, but I've done behaviour modification with autistic kids, and this has helped me sort out discipline problems with my friends' kids and in the classroom. Of course, there are millions of conflicting opinions out there, and you'll hear the exact opposite from followers of Dr. Sears, for instance, but this is the method that makes the most sense to me and gets the best results.

Children are absolutely amazing. In a mere thousand days on this earth, your beautiful baby has mastered sitting, crawling, standing, walking, communicating with gesture and language, reading facial expressions, and hundreds of other complex skills. All this learning has been driven by simple curiosity, observation or rewards. Children also learn the easiest ways to get what they want or need. For instance, if crying gets attention and rewards faster than sweetness, then the crying behaviour will reoccur more often than sweetness.

What you would like more of is simple "compliance," right? You need to teach her that obeying mom and dad's requests is something that pays off, and you need to look for the ways that she has taught *you* to give her what she wants!

What does she do when you ask her to do something? I'm guessing that the first thing she does is simply ignore. Lots of parents make the mistake of continually repeating the request, and letting the child continue to ignore in the meantime. This teaches the kid that it's okay to ignore you, at least the first 5 or 10 times you ask her to do something. Maybe she says "No!" or runs the other way.

In behaviour mod, we would call this an "error" and we then follow through with an "error correct." Sorry about the jargon. It just helps to use words with very precise meanings so the techniques don't get misused. As soon as you possible can, go over to your kid, repeat the request while giving a "prompt" (that is, the least intrusive "hint" that will still get a result.)

E.g., Emily is near the door. First, make sure you have her attention, and then you ask:
"Emily, put your boots on please."

If she complies to the first request, then you give her a LOT of praise! "Nice listening!" Physical affection, tickling, whatever she likes. She'll associate these nice things with following your instructions. You're teaching her that listening to you makes life fun.

Suppose Emily ignores instead. You pick Emily up and put her down beside the boots. You point to the boots and repeat the request. If she cooperates with the "error-correct" then good for both of you. Give her a low-key compliment.

Perhaps she's really not in the mood to cooperate, and shouts and kicks the boots away. Maybe she takes the cute route and runs off giggling. DO NOT REACT to the resistance (no yelling, no laughing... nothing.) You're just clouding the issue. Take two seconds to quietly look away, and then start over again, making the request and this time giving a "full prompt" (i.e., physically making sure the boots get on her body.)

Developing these skills together is going to take some time, so choose moments when the pressure isn't on. Right before preschool is going to be hectic, so it's not the right time to start from scratch. Try randomly rewarding her listening. For example, get a very small snack she likes, or a little sticker, whatever works, and ask her to do something simple for you, e.g., "Emily, do this!" or "Emily, come here!" Immediately give her the treat, along with some verbal/physical praise, and then let her go play.

Some people are turned off by behaviour mod because it resembles animal training, or they say it's "dehumanizing." Rather, I think it recognizes some fundamental traits in humans, and allows us to humanely shape and develop skills. Behaviour mod doesn't use punishment, just strategic rewards. This is us. It's the way we learn. Other schools of thought, like "Attachment Parenting" rely too much on guilt and unproven psychological theories that make the parent feel inadequate for not providing the best "emotional bond."

I tried to link to an "attachment parenting" website but the Dr. Sears website forces you to sign up for a newsletter, then times out. If you want to see behaviour mod at work, check out "Supernanny." She's my hero.

To find a parenting website that is useful, it might to decide which parenting approach/strategy rings true for you, and then talk to people who are putting it into practice.

[kermo]

Oh, and by the way, a regular schedule helps a lot too. A child generally behaves better when she knows what to expect. You can make a list (using pictures) and rehearse it with her beforehand, even when you're tucking her in the night before.

Then give her some warning before you make the request, like "Time to get dressed in 5 minutes!"

[anyway]

I feel your pain. Try to remember we can both present and remove the positive and negative reinforcement.

Try associating cooperation with either presentation of some treat or removal of some privilege.

I second the countdown and tickling strategy. Any distraction from the actual goal at hand can be helpful. You might try talking about something at the preschool that appeals to the child in an effort to motivate. As a father, I tend to focus on the goal, but my wife can get our son to forget his resistance. Sometimes.

It might just be that she needs more time to wake up. Our son is fairly uncooperative until he wakes up properly.

[kimcheechochy]

Spank your kid, when appropriate. Don't be a psycho about it. That hands off sit in the timeout corner bullsh*t doesn't work.

[tzechuk]

OMG... my daughter's just turned 3 and she is just like yours.

An experienced parent tells me that we only talk about the terrible 2s, but we never address those *monstrous 3s*!!! and I thought he was so bloody right!

My husband doesn't understand why she refuses to do things that are routine - like getting ready for pre-school, like you said, or taking a bath in the evening (but I think this latter is due to her knowing that after a bath means bedtime and she just doesn't like to go to bed!).

Normally I find that if I tell her in advanced what we are going to be doing, she is more willing to cooperate. If we just spring it on her, then she becomes whiny and unhappy. So I tend to tell her what our plans are for the day when we get up and have breakfast.

Of course, the fact that she dislikes "scary spider" (not really so scared that she develops a phobia but more like a game for her to know she should cooperate) that if I tell her there's a scary spider crawling up her face and she needs to go wash her face quickly to get rid of it, I can get her to have a wash.

Whilst I hate to admit it, but I do find a quick spank on the bum or the leg very effective. I don't beat her up but just a quick slap is sometimes the last resort. I never slap her on her face or anywhere near the head - you should NEVER do that, but I see no harm when it's on the bum or the leg. But I use it as a last resort, after gently persuading, to arm-wrestling, to raising my voice a bit, to threatening her we would go without her and she would have to stay at home with the dog, to raising my voice a few decibles higher than normal, to forcing her to do a few things. This normally takes 30 minutes!!! I am lucky that I have time in the morning, usually. When all else fails, I bring this last thing out. Sure she cries and it hurts me more than it hurts her physically, but it really does work.

She is not affected by any of this in a negative way because she is very well loved by everyone around and she is a happy child. You can ask cubanlord, he met her this weekend

Anyway, I am sorry I am not really of use... but I try my best!!!

Good luck!!!

[anae]

There is a cafe for parents at ivillage.
Here is the link: http://parenting.ivillage.com/messageboards/
They have a board for just about anything.

My daughter is almost 3 and I can relate to what you are going through. I second some things other parents have said about making sure she has enough sleep, making sure you have enough time so that you are not rushed in the morning, telling her in advance before something should happen (a count down 5 more minutes then it is time to ..., 4 more... etc) giving choice, using rewards and consequences when necessary.

[kimcheechochy]

[yashi]

Some good advice.
Also, you might try "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Jim Fay and Foster Cline. Their methods focus on instilling personal responsibility in children by allowing kids to have "healthy" and "guided" control of their own lives. My 5 year-old refers to it as the "good daddy book".

[nancy123]

Children want attention whether its negative or positive.....

Only reward the positive, ignore any outbursts and tantrums and try to give them choices i.e. my daughter (she's 18 now) always wanted to wear the same dress to school ...so, when the favorite was 'in the wash' I gave her 2 dress choices (from what I wanted her to wear)...no more problems because she had a choice.

Tantrums in public should equally be ignored...give a warning i.e. if you continue to act up we're leaving by this I mean leave the shopping cart and go... 1 warning then leave immediately.
NEVER buy the treat/toy for them because you're only rewarding the negative behaviour and creating the distinct impression that 'if I act up I ALWAYS get what I want'.
Hope this helps...
Happy parenting

[kermo]

[jessiaka]

I'm an early childhood educator and the word "discipline" makes me cringe... haha.

Here's a book you might find helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Guiding-Young-Childrens-Behavior-Childhood/dp/1881425061

[betchay]

try http://www.babycenter.com lots of boards on parenting and tons of info from pregnancy to parenting kids

[JustJohn]

Agreed. The most important thing is to never reward misbehavior, and keep in mind that sometimes any sort of attention is a reward.