Korean Job Discussion Forums

Countrygirl · Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Location: in the classroom

My mother-in-law has been widowed for years, makes a good income but is always paying off debts from her brother and oldest son. We have never asked anything from her, and other than gaudy 2 sizes too large underwear, we have never really gotten anything from her. I don't mind and never have. She has her own money issues and my Western mindset is that we will take care of ourselves. My brother-in-law and husband complain that she gives all her money to the church. Her money, she can do what she wants.

We moved to Korea 4 months ago because the working conditions were better for me (I could spend more time with my kids). We have no house and no extra money (it was spent on the move). My husband put himself through school when we lived back home. We don't spend hundreds of dollars on tutors per month, but we should so my kids could learn Korean faster. The fact is we have nothing extra but our life-style is okay here. Then my mother-in-law kicked us in the gut.

She wants an allowance. I can't believe that she started this after we had only been here 4 months. We have nothing of value, we live month-to-month, and she never paid for anything of substance - no housing, no education, no furniture, no wedding. My husband is the second son and his brother and wife were the ones who got all the benefits. She paid off (is paying off) his loans and even her apartment is under his wife's name. Needless to say, my husband told her we have no money and told her that he is not living here forever (just to make her shut-up).

I found out that the average for allowance is 200,000 won per month. I also heard that most parents tell their adult childen to keep the money. Also, an allowance is something that kids give their parents because the parents helped establish the child or couple. And it is the oldest son who gets all the benefits and who is expected to pay the allowance.

I have no intention of ever giving her any allowance money. I told my husband that if she ever needs a place to live, she's welcome to live with us (regretting this). But never am I going to give an allowance just because it's expected. I'm actually insulted that she asked this (she brought this up in front of our neighbours who were driving us home -- oh yeah, we have no car) She found out we don't have a kimchi freezer and she said she would buy us one if we would give her allowance. I don't even want a kimchi freezer.

So I am wondering if any of you lifers in Korea have experienced this. My husband doesn't want to talk about it, but I feel I need to find out any information that I can about this. My husband and I have a good relationship, but he's been acting more Korean since coming to Korea. I need to have a good argument on the day he says that he has to give her an allowance. Right now he says he won't give her money (she'll give it to the church), but guilt from the Korean mother is a powerful thing.

And, oh yeah, what is it with all the Korean people that think we should be rolling in the dough because we speak English. I won't do illegals and I can only get an E-2 visa because my husband is now a Canadian citizen. My husband is too old to get the good jobs and he only has college. English is not the only requirement needed to make money in this country.

Phew, that felt good. Thanks for letting me vent.

Squid · Joined: 25 Jul 2003 Location: Sunny Anyang

Whats a couple of hundy to you?

Fork it over like you would if it were your mom asking for it.

Atavistic · Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 5:53 pm Post subject:

NightSky · Joined: 19 Apr 2005

itaewonguy · Joined: 25 Mar 2003

thats the culture here! you married a korean man.. so this is what is expected of you.. you should of thought of all these issues before you married your husband...

she will buy you the kimchi fridge once you pay the allowance..
she expects the allowance becuase that is what she expects from her son
thats the korean way.. she brought it up infront of the neighbours so she could feel proud of her family.. because if you said. ALLOWANCE???in front of them they would think you are not real koreans, and not a real family.. this is korea.. you chose to come back here for MONEY! and for a better life.. thats the price you MUST pay.. if youy refuse to pay it.. you will only make it harder for yourself.. 2 hundred a month is not much at all
you dont have to be from money to hand over 200 a month..

yes your mum would never ask for it.. maybe she is american or korean or you are the daughter...
fact is this is korea and thats how it works here..
dont fight it.. you will just make it worse for yourself.. see it as money well spent..
when in rome my friend... love it or leave it...

itaewonguy · Joined: 25 Mar 2003

shaunew · Joined: 17 Apr 2007 Location: Calgary

My father in law asked for money each month. I agreed on one condition each time I punched him in the face. I told him this was my tradition. So I gave him 300,000 in 5000 won notes. He never asked for a penny again after that.

highlander_76 · Joined: 21 Mar 2007 Location: Jeongja

Just checked with the (Korean) wife... that is very typical. Just be glad that your in-laws are not financially screwed and need more than $200 a month. It's not a big deal, just do it even though it offends your Western values. Like Itaewonguy said (though he could have been a bit more tactful maybe), you are in Korea, better to just bend a little than kick against the goads. Save yourself the stress and do it and forget about it.

jaderedux2 · Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Location: lurking just lurking

My in-laws mentioned something like that once. I keep my money that I make separate. If my husband wants to give his parents money fine. I learned the hard way...bank separately.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but my in-laws take at least 2 high end vacations a year. Last year they did the "grand" tour of Europe.

I will not give them any money from my accounts unless they are in dire need and I don't see that happening.

I know I am going to get slammed for being "culturally insensitive" but tough I work damn hard for my money and I am not going to give it to my in-laws so they can go to Europe and give it to their spend thrift daughter that lives well beyond her and her husband's means.

My husband wants to give them money he can. But they ain't gettin' a dime from me.

Again if they were on the verge of homelessness or something...I would not turn them away and be helpful but otherwise....as my dear father once said...."get a job".

Jade the meany

drkalbi · Joined: 06 Aug 2006

If you give her 200,000 then she will want 300,000. After she will expect you to give her money for Thanksgiving and New Year. Next, she'll want you to give money to her oldest son for some stupid reason. Don't open the flood gates. Once you start, you will never get out.

blaseblasphemener · Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 8:44 pm Post subject:

Don't listen to the nonsense suggesting you should go along with what she says. That's nuts.

My wife doesn't give her mother allowance. Why? Because she has an older brother who does, and who will reap the benefits when he inherits the bulk, if not all, of their estate.

Tradition's change all the time, in Korea or other places. It is up to you whether or not you wish to continue a tradition. It is certainly not an obligation. That is the oldest son's responsibility.

Countrygirl · Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Location: in the classroom

jaderedux2 · Joined: 09 Jul 2007 Location: lurking just lurking

jbpatlanta · Joined: 02 Jun 2007 Location: Daejeon

We give my mother in law an allowance. My wife is one of children. My wife, her two sisters, and two of her brothers all chip in each month to pay all of her bills. It works out that we chip in less than 50.000 won a month. We take my MIL shopping when we visit and buy her everything she needs and then some more. We give her money to give to church if we are there on Sunday. We give her large presents on Chuseok and New Years. But at NO time did my MIL every ask us for money, in fact most of the time she tries to give it back to us and tells us she does not need anything. We give her this because we want to. If I could not afford to give her any money, I would not. I guess it is expected.

I say if you can't afford to give her any money don't. You have to take care of your own family first before you can worry about other people's families.

Countrygirl · Joined: 19 Nov 2007 Location: in the classroom

Thanks guys. I appreciate your stories. I guess if I was Korean, I could discuss this out of my system. But my family and friends back home would never understand this.

Actually, I've been always grateful that my husband didn't come from a family with money. Those folks have pressure. If she was starving, we'd find a way. But she just gave 10 mil won to the church. Pains my husband everytime he thinks about it. Honestly, it wouldn't hurt me one bit to say no to her. I just feel bad for my husband because it hurts him that she wants an allowance to show off to her friends. She doesn't consider our situation. We lost so much when we moved here. That's enough sacrifice for me.

As long as she doesn't try to control my family, I'm fine with her. Once that starts to happen, I predict a move to Busan. I hear the seafood is good there.