Korean Job Discussion Forums

[IncognitoHFX]

Well, he's not really a "problem" student per se.

I have a kid in one of my classes that doesn't seem to get along with or try to get along with the other kids. That's fine, there is one in every crowd, however he seems to have become attached to me for no particular reason.

He shows up at my office between 10-20 times a day just wanting to talk, and more recently he has been asking me to meet him on the weekend. The kid is really nice and friendly, just one of those simple kids who always appears to be happy with no particular reason.

That's what makes it so difficult to make my boundaries clear to him. At first, it was kind and funny so I didn't mind it, but everyday he comes into my office more and more--so much so that I know he'd stand there all day if he could. The Korean teachers have picked up on this too, and they will ask him to leave if they can see that he's pushing my boundaries.

Today he has showed up to my office fourteen times (it's only 12:30pm) and asked for my cell phone number each one of those times. I don't know my cell phone number off my heart, so I flipped it open and copied the number onto his notepad, consciously messing up one of the digits because the last thing I need is to be called at home because of this. I feel bad and cheap about doing this, but I don't really know exactly what to do. Maybe if the kid spoke more than ten words of English I could sit him down and discuss this, but he's not exactly one of my advanced students.

It's a tough call. So far I've been very polite yet very distant, and I've dropped tonnes of hints which he doesn't seem to respond to. He has absolutely no sense of boundaries. Today I spoke to a couple Korean teachers about it and asked them to help me out a bit--but it's difficult when the kid waits around outside my office until there is hardly anyone left but me to talk to. The Korean teachers are too busy to effectively deal with this kid and to be honest, I think everyone is just to afraid of hurting his feelings. I sure am.

Does anyone have any advice for how to approach this?

A similar kind of thing happens to me on a monthly basis with a different person... Here and back in Canada. I usually weasal my way out of it by not returning phone calls, changing my daily patterns or in some extreme cases, moving to a different place. I just have one of those personalities that makes people think that I'll do everything for everyone when I simply can't. It's too stressful to keep many people with deep social issues in my life when I'm trying to get ahead in the world, and having some his age doing this makes it even worse. It usually happens with people of my age or older so I'm not used to this.

This is only the second time it's happened in a workplace before, and the first time that it's interrupted my job.

[EricaSmile84]

That happens to me a lot with my students, your situation seems a bit more severe because it is just one kid who is always around. It's hard because as a teacher, you have to make yourself available for the students and if you tell them to bug off then it might make you look unapproachable.

When students ask for my phone number, I just tell them that I don't have a phone (which I don't).... they usually have an "I don't believe you" look on their faces so I offer them my email address (make sure it's not one that can trace your facebook or myspace) and tell them to email any time if they need help with English.

Have you tried prying English out of him? Maybe you can make a rule that everytime he comes to see you, he has to say something new in English. If he has nothing to say when he comes in, tell him to leave and come back when he has something to say. This will give you a reason to "get him out" but it also will help him with his English and maybe his million visits will be worth alittle more for the both of you.

Good luck!

[poet13]

That's a tough call. It sounds as though you're doing all right so far. Push back too hard, and you could damage a fragile spyche/confidence, don't push hard enough and you could appear inviting.
Does the student have a disability? I have had a couple of problems with boundary issues too, but those kids were just ADD/hyperactive etc.
I don't think I would ever meet a student like that outside of the work environment. I have, and do meet students for ice cream or whatever on the weekends, but those are almost always the highest level and have real things to talk about. High school, college, careers, etc.

Perhaps you can "wean" the student. Give the student five visas a week. Each good for five minutes of face time. How the student uses them is up to him. If he chooses to use all five consecutively, be prepared to sit through it, but at least you should be free for the rest of the week.

Anyway, I just thought that up, never tried it. If you do try it, let us know if it works.

[sobriquet]

Sounds like he fancies you and wants a bit of you. ( I presume you are female).

I'm not sure of the rules regarding dating students at your place of work, but you should check before you get into anything.

[IncognitoHFX]

[paulandamy]

Also, could you possibly have office hours?

Obviously, your personal time is important but you don't want to hurt his feelings.

Having office hours might even encourage other students to come visit you - I know when I was young, I was afraid to go see my teachers because I thought they would always be too busy... and perhaps that would relieve some of your stress about having only a 1 on 1 time with him constantly. Is he lonely? Sometimes if a student is ostracized, he or she might become clingy towards the one person that treats them nicely... maybe you are that one person? It's a tough call. Let us know how it turns out.

[justaguy]

I say let the playground rules decide his fate.

[sobriquet]

[EzeWong]

I have a very similar issue.

It's only my 5th day of work and I have what I'd like to call... a "fan"

The boy has left me tiny post it notes (he hands them to me) and here well you read it:

"This is for you^_^. Drink, Have a good time."
"To Eric, How are you, I fine, goo. I see you. Very handsome. so we are friendly. okay"
"I like U ^_^"

Here is the kicker.... I HAVENT EVEN TAUGHT HIS CLASS YET! (btw we are both males to pre-empt the questions)

He stands by my desk breathing and like looking over whatever I'm doing. It's like I'm the most fascinating thing to him and we're like estranged brothers or something.

I'm Asian too so this hardly explains anything about him growing attached to me, my only guess is that our ages aren't too far and he looks up to me like a brother....


ANYWAYS, the way I've resolved the "problem" is this. Basically it's the duty of a teacher to be there for their students, whether it's educationally or emotionally. Our job and duty to this society whether from a cultural perspective or from life as a whole is to help these children. Sure I'm bothered by him breathing over my neck but when I think of what might have happened to make him this way it saddens my heart.

It's possible he's been neglected his whole life. Dying and starving of emotional attention and love. So I've decided to help him. Even if it mean cutting out of "me" time I will help this boy. In fact I've kind of grown attached to him out of lack of communication.

I think if you stop fighting it and start working with it. You could develop a beautiful relationship with this boy. My boy had started taking candy out of my drawer(I was pissed beyond belief and he took off before I could kick his ass). But then he suprised me the next day and bought me juice (it sucked but i didnt really care). Everytime I see him I kinda feel a weird connection.

So I hope you can develop this too. just my 2 cents

[poet13]

"I would suggest that you speak to the student a little and find out if he has a girlfriend or likes girls before jumping to conclusions though."

Not sure I would go there.

You could also do the following. You could address the class, and sternly tell them you are not their friend, you are their teacher. You could explain that there is a difference between friend and friendly, but that friendly came with a price. Good behaviour and respect. He might get it, and if done in a classroom setting, not injurous to his feelings.

[Tjames426]

erhm...only a Moron would think this kid is gay.

"It's possible he's been neglected his whole life. Dying and starving of emotional attention and love."

****
Bingo...he is starving for male approval and acceptance. He wants the confidence that another male..."father"... figure thinks he is ok. I have lots of boys who are dying for this kind of attention. But, they are not this extreme.

In Korea, a lot of boys do not have a positive relationship with their Father. You might have been the only older male that has shown any real concern for his welfare. Boys in this country are begging to have a male figure help them and show them how to be a man. This kid desperately wants to latch on and learn about life.

However, his action outside your office and etc ... is excessive. It needs to be addressed by your Korean colleagues and supervisor so that YOU do not get into any trouble. Make sure all HIS INTERACTION with you is within sight of a Korean teacher.

Basically, the school needs to have a "frank" talk with his parents about his strange behavior. He needs helps. But obviously, it is help that is beyond what you can provide.

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