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sarbonn · Joined: 14 Oct 2008 Location: Michigan

Too Big to Fail

Disassociated Press (DS) - Washington

Today, it was reported that the human services company DG Industries, which services the larger part of Duane Gundrum, announced it could not meet its contractual obligations and might have to seek assistance from the government to continue operations.

Chief Financial Officer (CFO) Elmer Frogg told DS that DG's chairman went into a local convenient store this morning and discovered that there was no more money left in his checking account, requiring him to return a 12 ounce can of grape soda and a Twix candy bar to their original shelves. This caused an immediate rush of activity in the local markets as young Korean children bought up packages of Skittles and other dangerously traded commodities, such as Twinkies and some strange looking pastry thing that economists are still trying to determine its origin and purpose.

The stock market opened up on previous good news of another Paris Hilton sex tape, but immediately went into a downward spiral as the story of DG Industries began to make its way to through the market. It then turned clockwise at a 67 degree angle, started pointing up and then managed to flip over upside down until it achieved what economists refer to in economists' terminology as "totally messed up". Traders on the New York exchange indicated they were so perplexed that they could no longer trade but felt that not trading was the only thing they could do, causing them to immediately be fired because their companies have no need for traders who don't trade.

DG Industries's Senior Vice President in Charge of Vice Presidents Joshua Penguin was quoted as saying, "it's a fisher's market, and we have no tuna boats."

A DG executive, who requested to remain anonymous, although he lives at 1432 West Chester Avenue and lives with his crazy girlfriend Sally, stated that it appeared DG would have to seek assistance from the Obama Administration, stating, "DG is just too big to fail."

A spokesperson for the Obama Administration, who chose to remain anonymous, but wears those stupid bow ties and answers to the name Bob, stated, "Yeah, DG is too big to fail. So we're going to have to give them a couple of billion bucks and hope they spend it wisely."

Immediately upon hearing this, CFO Elmer Frogg and VPinCofVP Joshua Penguin threw a huge party where they invited strippers and drug dealers to act as "consultants" while they decided exactly how to spend the billions of dollars that were being awarded to the corporation. CFO Frogg put it succinctly, "Man, we never pulled a profit in the past, and now we eat steak!"

When asked what future plans were in store for setting the company straight, VPinCofVP Penguin just laughed and wandered into the back room with two blond models and a bag of white powder given to him by one of the drug dealers. He mumbled something about handcuffs as the door slammed shut behind them.

Meanwhile, the chairman of DG Industries is still trying to regain the image of the corporation as he attempted to use his check card in a convenient store on the other side of town, only to be laughed at by the clerk who spoke no English but took great pleasure in laughing at him nonetheless.

We will be following this story as it develops.