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[Ya-ta Boy]

to our humble forum, here's Finley Peter Dunne's Mr. Dooley on the election between McKinley/Roosevelt and William Jennings Bryan (1900).

TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE (1900, Finley Peter Dunne)


"I wisht th' campaign was over," said Mr. Dooley.

"I wisht it'd begin," said Mr. Hennessy. "I niver knew annything so
dead. They ain't been so much as a black eye give or took in th' ward
an' its less thin two months to th' big day."

"'Twill liven up," said Mr. Dooley, "I begin to see signs iv th' good
times comin' again. 'Twas on'y th' other day me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt
opened th' battle mildly be insinuatin' that all dimmycrats was liars,
horse thieves an' arnychists. 'Tis thrue he apologized f'r that be
explainin' that he didn't mean all dimmycrats but on'y those that
wudden't vote f'r Mack but I think he'll take th' copper off befure
manny weeks. A ladin' dimmycratic rayformer has suggested that Mack
though a good man f'r an idjiot is surrounded be th' vilest scoundhrels
iver seen in public life since th' days iv Joolyus Caesar. Th' Sicrety
iv th' Threeasury has declared, that Mr. Bryan in sayin' that silver is
not convartible be th' terms iv th' Slatthry bankin' law iv 1870, an'
th' sicond clause iv th' threaty iv Gansville, has committed th'
onpard'nable pollytical sin iv so consthructin' th' facts as to open up
th' possibility iv wan not knowin' th' thrue position iv affairs,
misundhersthandin' intirely. If he had him outside he'd call him a liar.
Th' raypublicans have proved that Willum Jennings Bryan is a thraitor be
th' letther written be Dr. Lem Stoggins, th' cillybrated antithought
agytator iv Spooten Duyvil to Aggynaldoo in which he calls upon him to
do nawthin' till he hears fr'm th' doc. Th' letther was sint through th'
postal authorities an' as they have established no post-office in
Aggynaldoo's hat they cudden't deliver it an' they opened it. Upon r-
readin' th' letther Horace Plog iv White Horse, Minnesota, has wrote to
Willum Jennings Bryan declarin' that if he (Plog) iver went to th'
Ph'lippeens, which he wud've done but f'r th' way th' oats was sproutin'
in th' stack, an' had been hit with a bullet he'd ixpict th' Coroner to
hold Bryan to th' gran' jury. This was followed be th' publication iv a
letther fr'm Oscar L. Swub iv East Persepalis, Ohio, declarin' that his
sister heerd a cousin iv th' man that wash'd buggies in a livery stable
in Canton say Mack's hired man tol' him Mack'd be hanged befure he'd
withdraw th' ar-rmy fr'm Cuba."

"Oh, I guess th' campaign is doin' as well as cud be ixpicted. I see be
th' raypublican pa-apers that Andhrew Carnegie has come out f'r Bryan
an' has conthributed wan half iv his income or five hundhred millyon
dollars to th' campaign fund. In th' dimmycratic pa-apers I r-read that
Chairman Jim Jones has inthercipted a letther fr'm the Prince iv Wales
to Mack congratulatin' him on his appintmint as gintleman-in-waitin' to
th' queen. A dillygation iv Mormons has started fr'm dimmycratic
headquarthers to thank Mack f'r his manly stand in favor iv poly-gamy
an' th' raypublican comity has undher con-sideration a letther fr'm long
term criminals advisin' their colleagues at large to vote f'r Willum
Jennings Bryan, th' frind iv crime."

"In a few short weeks, Hinnissy, 'twill not be safe f'r ayether iv
the candydates to come out on th' fr-ront porch till th' waitin'
dillygations has been searched be a polisman. 'Tis th' divvle's own time
th' la-ads that r-runs f'r th' prisidincy has since that ol' boy
Burchard broke loose again' James G. Blaine. Sinitor Jones calls wan iv
his thrusty hinchman to his side, an' says he: 'Mike, put on a pig-tail,
an' a blue shirt an' take a dillygation iv Chinnymen out to Canton an'
congratulate Mack on th' murdher iv mission'ries in China. An',' he
says, 'ye might stop off at Cincinnati on th' way over an' arrange f'r a
McKinley an' Rosenfelt club to ilict th' British Consul its prisidint
an' attack th' office iv th' German newspaper,' he says. Mark Hanna
rings f'r his sicrety an', says he: 'Have ye got off th' letther fr'm
George Fred Willums advisin' Aggynaldoo to pizen th' wells?' 'Yes sir.'
'An' th' secret communication fr'm Bryan found on an arnychist at
Pattherson askin' him to blow up th' White House?' 'It's in th' hands iv
th' tyepwriter.' 'Thin call up an employmint agency an' have a
dillygation iv Jesuites dhrop in at Lincoln, with a message fr'm th'
pope proposin' to bur-rn all Protestant churches th' night befure
iliction.'"

"I tell ye, Hinnissy, th' candydate is kept mov-in'. Whin he sees a
dilly-gation pikin' up th' lawn he must be r-ready. He makes a flyin'
leap f'r th' chairman, seizes him by th' throat an' says: 'I thank ye
f'r th' kind sintimints ye have conveyed. I am, indeed, as ye have
remarked, th' riprisintative iv th' party iv manhood, honor, courage,
liberality an' American thraditions. Take that back to Jimmy Jones an'
tell him to put it in his pipe an' smoke it.' With which he bounds into
th' house an' locks the dure while th' baffled conspirators goes down to
a costumer an' changes their disguise. If th' future prisidint hadn't
been quick on th' dhraw he'd been committed to a policy iv sthranglin'
all the girl babies at birth."

"No,'tis no aisy job bein' a candydate, an' 'twud be no easy job if th'
game iv photygraphs was th' on'y wan th' candydates had to play. Willum
Jennings Bryan is photygraphed smilin' back at his smilin' corn fields,
in a pair iv blue overalls with a scythe in his hand borrid fr'm th'
company that's playin' 'Th' Ol' Homestead,' at th' Lincoln Gran' Opry
House. Th' nex' day Mack is seen mendin' a rustic chair with a monkey
wrinch, Bryan has a pitcher took in th' act iv puttin' on a shirt marked
with th' union label, an' they'se another photygraph iv Mack carryin' a
scuttle iv coal up th' cellar stairs. An' did ye iver notice how much
th' candydates looks alike, an' how much both iv thim looks like Lydia
Pinkham? Thim wondherful boardhin'-house smiles that our gifted leaders
wears, did ye iver see annythin' so entrancin'? Whin th' las'
photygrapher has packed his ar-ms homeward I can see th' gr-reat men
retirin' to their rooms an' lettin' their faces down f'r a few minyits
befure puttin' thim up again in curl-pa-apers f'r th' nex' day display.
Glory be, what a relief 'twill be f'r wan iv thim to raysume permanently
th' savage or fam'ly breakfast face th' mornin' afther iliction! What a
raylief 'twill be to no f'r sure that th' man at th' dure bell is on'y
th' gas collector an' isn't loaded with a speech iv thanks in behalf iv
th' Spanish Gover'mint! What a relief to snarl at wife an' frinds wanst
more, to smoke a seegar with th' thrust magnate that owns th' cider
facthry near th' station, to take ye'er nap in th' afthernoon
undisthurbed be th' chirp iv th' snap-shot! 'Tis th' day afther iliction
I'd like f'r to be a candydate, Hinnissy, no matther how it wint."

"An' what's become iv th' vice-prisidintial candydates?" Mr. Hennessy
asked.

"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "Th' las' I heerd iv Adly, I didn't hear
annythin', an' th' las' I heerd iv Tiddy he'd made application to th'
naytional comity f'r th' use iv Mack as a soundin' board."

***
Here's another nice quote from Mr. Dooley:

(ON THE HERO IN POLITICS)

I was sayin', Hinnissy, whin a man gets to be my age, he ducks pol-itical meetin's, an' r-reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th' argymints,�pro-argymints an' con-argymints,�an' makes up his mind ca'mly, an' votes th' Dimmycratic ticket.