Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Omkara]

I'm curious. How many of you faced the prospect of marriage, and then found your mind in sudden rebellion, not against your potential groom or bride, but against marriage itself?

I'm in the terrible bind: soon to return home, have a korean girlfriend I don't want to leave behind, can see myself building a life with her at home, have discussed details of how we'd marry and do that. . .etc. Then I get comfortable with the idea. Soon thereafter I find my mind in full scale rebellion against committing myself. . .

Usually, people get cold feet during preparation for the wedding, after the proposal. But, we sort of informally agreed on it, were preparing to introduce me to her parents, and then. . .

It's rough on her, but I can't really choose my emotions. I can only respond to them.

[ciccone_youth]

I think it's better that you have cold feet NOW than after being engaged or something.

Just take it slow, if you get cold feet now it's maybe because things are moving too fast. I imagine it's rough on her, but better now than later.

I'm not even close to being engaged or whatnot, but marriage is a huge deal and hopefully she understands that it's better off for her (and you) if you take your time. No need to rush into getting married, right?

[the_beaver]

Nowadays marriage is disposable, so what's the worst that could happen?

[Koveras]

A married philosopher belongs in comedy.

[Omkara]

I agree. The rub is that I'm leaving next spring, and so there is a little pressure on the choice.

Because of the Korean culture, I have not yet met her parents. If we marry, I'd like to have had the chance to get to know her family and that they'd know who their daughter has married. But, until I am comfortable with the proposal, I'm a secret. And I'm leaving in about five and a half months to begin a credentialing program.

So, I feel crunched between very real time lines and very real emotions. . .

[RACETRAITOR]

Nope, I never looked back. One thing that really helps is never having an official big wedding. They're a meaningless ceremony, especially here.

[cazzy3]

i think cold feet may me a sign of either how nervous you are as a person, or how uncertain you are of the decision to get married.

when my korean wife and i got married a few months ago, i was surprised at how calm i felt during the engagement as well as the weeks, days, hours leading to the wedding. i think a lot of it had to do w/ how confident i was in our relationship/commitment to each other. we had the parental blessing, support from friends, and nothing to give us major concern that we were doing the wrong thing (although I bet she was much more nervous than I was!!!)

if you're feeling cold feet about the institution of marriage, i would say it's nothing to be worried about of fear. it is a serious commitment that TOO many people in this world go into half-heartedly. if your cold feet is due to unreadiness than there is nothing wrong with taking more time until you're absolutely sure you're ready. hopefully, your fiance can accept that.

good luck

[Omkara]

[Jeff's Cigarettes]

Won't really know till you take the leap. Me, I find myself thankful more and more as every days passes, that I married the gal I did.

[Adventurer]

[bassexpander]

Korea is a hard place to be married. You'd better be darned settled on the fact that you're content with being finished with dating around, and that your wife is all that you've ever wanted and more. If she's not, then my advice to you is NOT to get married, and DO NOT allow yourself to marry if you are not ready. Women can really push while attempting to appear as if they are not being pushy. Some would call this manipulation. If you feel you are being manipulated, then STOP!

I'll paraphrase what another guy said on another forum:

"I've seen it happen time and time again... the girlfriend starts taking up most of the guy's time. She pulls him away from his friends. His friends don't call him up like before, so the vicious circle starts where she takes up all of his time and removes him from his support. He becomes co-dependent on her, and even though he doesn't like her, still stays with her because he has nothing else. She keeps pushing for marriage, but he really doesn't feel like it, so she leaves him. By this time, he has nowhere else to go -- no support. Eventually, he gets back with her, gives in to marriage, and is miserable."

That was from nomarriage.com, I think. It's a pretty negative take on relationships from a really negative site, but you should probably take a good look at it and consider if this is you. In Korea, you don't have the same family support. It also can be hard to keep good friends in Korea -- they move away, and Korean women have a tendency to want to monopolize your time. So whether or not she intends it, you can end up losing your friends just based on how relationships here are.

Korea is a difficult place for a waygook to want to get married. There are always new options cropping-up a month down the road (or less) in the dating realm. I've been married this past year, and I can tell you that I've encountered at least 3 or 4 women since then who were single and on the hunt (meaning in general -- trying to find a boyfriend). And I wasn't even looking, because I'm married. Now I just try to refer them to single friends.

[RACETRAITOR]

[T-J]

I was a nervous wreck the week before and especially the night before our wedding.

We did the big ceremony, her entire family was there, I had all my friends from school and my parents flew out. It was a very stressful week to say the least.

What really helped me was my best man, who was married. I highly recommend choosing a best man that is married if that is at all possible. The experience factor, him being able to say "been here, done this, don't sweat it." is priceless.

Anyway, that was 14 years ago, and I wouldn't change a thing. Best of luck to you.

[JJJ]

I cancelled a wedding, wow, must be 15 years ago, a month before the event. I was basically sick to my stomach for 6 months. I finally realized I was pressured into it because all her friends were married and I was insecure because I thought I couldn't find anyone else like her. She was over 10,000 bucks in debt with her credit cards and loved shopping. I lost all my friends because she was a jealous control freak.

Must say, I am so better off now. Travelled around the world, lots of great friends at home and abroad. Get along better than ever with my family. I have a great companion, partner, S O, friend, lover for over 8 years and happy as hell.

That "other" girl, got married 6 months later by the first guy that asked her out after we broke up. Divorced a year or so after. Funny.

I learned to listen to my stomach. It's usually spot on.

[Omkara]

I agree about listening to your stomach.

I don't see any major character flaws with this girl. She'd make a great wife and mother and all the rest. She is fundamentally good, supportive and loving. The problem really is on my side.

Financially, it's a big risk. A marriage takes more than love. We'd have to commit to several years of time and resource to her education and acculturation. We could do what is needed here, but it is a source of anxiety.

Culturally, she's open and accepting of people's differences; but she's never lived abroad. Nor do we get a trial run at this without taking into account that we'd lose a lot of money to take care of the former concern, since we'd have to book flights back to Korea in order to satisfy her family's desire for a wedding.

Linguistically, she's made a lot of progress since I first took her out. We can communicate fairly well now. But, I often wonder how I'd feel once we got to America and I met a young educated woman from my own culture. . .This is a major source of the cold feet: closing and locking that door.

The question about the last point is this. Would I be locking others out, which is, for the most part, fine; or would I be locking myself in? That's what makes my feet cold. This is a damn hard question to answer. Nor can one reason one's self to an emotion. Emotions are only to be understood and subtly influenced. They cannot be created or forced.

I guess I just need a little more time. But the time is little.