Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Robot_Teacher]

While I didn't come to Korea to score, I've been asked numerous times why I don't have a wife, girlfriend, and go date women since I don't have one. Well, I came here with no woman and not meeting any single women locally with no venue to meet them. I smalltalk with a single woman in her parents small grocery store who speaks English and grew up Seoul, but is very ugly though has a very sweet friendly personality who turned down my offer to go for coffee. She left Seoul to go work in her parents store since she didn't have it in her to live in Seoul, but speaks English quite well. Just not a good looker. She was too embarassed about the idea of having coffee with me, but expressed she accepts the idea though she couldn't accept my invitation. I'm just looking to have friends; not chasing for anything more, but I get the vibe that many locals are uncomfortable about having a single man on the prowl. Guess they'll understand after a few months I'm not a prowler due to not aggressively trying to meet or hit on local women. I'm in a small town so a population of single women in the 30 something year age group is nearly nonexistent and I don't desparate seek as I'm patient to wait for the right one. Even if that means waiting until I leave Korea. I think the best place for a middle aged adult to meet would be while studying for a masters on campus. In my small town, we have Korean teachers, bank tellers, and other public service people mostly in their late 20's to late 30's who are just having kids or raising kids; some of which are my students. And then we have mostly retirees. Most younger people leave for the city to pursue their careers.

I'm curious what Koreans typically think of foreigner with a Korean woman and what they think of a foreigner without no wife or girlfriend. When I ask during these conversations at work inquiring on my personal life, I don't get an answer; just a giggle and hesitation so I leave it alone after having explained nothing is available and I'm not trying to force anything to happen. They understand when I explain this and then tell me I will find in another land after I'm finished here. I'm not troubled by this nor offended, just curious of why they always ask and what they might typically think that they're not telling me. I'm not saying Korea objects to bi-racial relationships and single men coming to teach, but it's one awkward conversation.

I realize everyone are individuals with their own beliefs, but what is the concensus?

Yes, I've read how some of you got into fights in Hongdae when with your K girlfriend, but that's just isolated incidents of drunk young desparate jeolous Korean men looking for a date to feel more secure about their manhood. I do know there are much fewer women than men in Korea by far so most women are taken leaving many guys without. I think it's quite easy for Koreans to understand why I don't have, but they always ask me.

What's the skinny on these personal matters?

[Kimchi Cha Cha]

I'm not saying Korea objects to bi-racial relationships and single men coming to teach, but it's one awkward conversation.

Unfortunately, the reality is - particularly in a rural environment such as where you're living - the majority of people do object to bi-racial relationships particularly between a Western man and Korean woman, the main issue is just the degree to which they object to these unions. The reason your co-workers giggle and avoid your questions are because they too know full well the reality of peoples' attitudes towards bi-racial relationships - and likely share them to some degree - but don't want to admit it to an 'outsider'. Live your life and do want you want within reason, making sure not to unnecessarily hurt or anger any people, as many people here - especially in the countryside - will find issues with almost everything you do anyway. Don't live like a monk just to applease a group of people who you will never truly please. It's sad but it's true that a lot of folks truly dislike and resent us yet grudingly tolerate us as deep down they know they need our skills.

Unfortunately, another reality is that many locals believe that if you are not married by a certain age that there is something inherently wrong with you. I think your co-workers are being nice in quizzing you as they genuinely believe you're a decent guy and are genuinely shocked to discover you're not married or attached yet. They just don't realize that the West isn't like Korea. We just don't up and marry anyone reasonably compatible by a certain age like the majority of the locals too. They're just perplexed as to why you're not married as they likely see you as a decent guy with plenty of 'marriable' traits and can't understand why you're not married yet.

[Cerriowen]

Any woman who takes you up on your offer will be under a lot of pressure socially, because bi-racial (even chinese-koreans) are looked down on. Most guys I've known say that when they go out w/ a korean girl (unless the guy is asian) they get all kinds of dirty looks and hostility.

From what I understand, there are more males than females here (or at least, women who are willing to get married to a korean man), so the competition is harsh. Also the stereotype is that if you're dating a woman that age (in her 30s) she either is, or should be married... so you must be luring her away from her husband.

Also... there's a lot of negative images on TV about how western men are too agressive, or rapists, or pedophiles etc. You may find a lot of girls freaked out by being flirted with.

I think young guys (early 20's) have an easier go of it because girls that age aren't expected to be procreating yet, so they can get away with "playing around" and "experimenting" with the foreigner.

Just my humble (ish) opinion.

[roadwork]

I'm in my 40's single, never been married and have no desire to. I also live in a small town and get asked those questions all the time. Well, not so much in the last couple of years. Anyway, Koreans seem to have such a hard time trying to understand how I can be so old and don't want to get married. I think they all have come to the conclusion that I'm an alky, though I don't drink that much or frequently. Well, maybe I do. But not publicly.

[oldfatfarang]

[Unposter]

I think much depends on the person and the family. Some people are some families are more open minded and have had more international experiences than others.

Sometimes it is regional. I am married to a Korean and I have children. I have never had any problems with anyone in Seoul. In the countryside, I have gotten lots of stares but I have never had anyone have a problem with my wife - maybe because we are older and "look" married. Also, my wife speaks English well and many people think she is a Gyopo and try to speak English to her. They are often shocked when she speaks Korean.

Education can also be a factor. Most well-educated people I have met don't even blink about international marriages and I have found that well-educated Koreans are actually more likely to be interested in international marriages.

Interestingly, I have had two students who married someone from another country. One was a male student who married a Japanese woman and the other was a female student who married a Canadian. In both cases, family was happy and the other students were very supportive. And, I have had a number of students tell me that they would like to marry someone from another country.

My wife is a teacher and she has had the same thing happen. Many of her students also tell her they would like to marry someone from another country.

I once worked with some Seoul City Government Officials. They told me that the City of Seoul has a number of projects to help people with international marriages, especially those of women married to Korean men. They all agreed that Korea was becoming a multi-cultural society and that government had to do more to help people adjust to the idea.

Of course, it is not all roses. There are plenty of Koreans who do not like the idea of international marriages. But, I think it is far less than the general vibe you find on Dave's.

I remember being in Itaewon with my wife when she started laughing. I asked her why and she said that the pack of girls we should passed where all talking about how they planned to meet "white" men tonight. There is a lot of that out there.

And, if a nice man was actually willing to commit to a relationship, there are a lot of Koreans and a lot of families that would be more than thrilled.

[jajdude]

[Xuanzang]

[Jammer113]

Well, they might just be treating you normally, asking why you're not married yet, if you're 30 something. A 30 something single Korean would be asked that all the time.

It's rather common these days for a Korean to not be married until late 20's or early 30's. As well, arranged marriages do still exist in Korea. Most people do have a choice in the matter, but first, many people are 'set up' together, either by friends or family or some other way.

Also know that people talk a LOT here, and if you're going around chatting up local singles. you're probably going to be a common topic of conversation. My personal advice would be to lay low in your city and actively try to NOT date anyone unless you just really hit it off, and find a bigger city to go hang out in on the weekends.

Koreans have a lot of reasons not to trust westerners with their women.. from all of the babies left here by army people, to the negative, immoral images on television, to the concept that once married, the girl will run off to the western country forever, to the high divorce rates in western countries. I'm not getting into whether these beliefs are true or hipocritical, but they're bouncing around in the Korean psyche.

As to what Koreans think, it runs the gamut. But in the countryside, you're going to tend more towards conservative viewpoints with far fewer people with an 'international' mindset. People may also be becoming polarized these days as there is a high number of international marriages occuring, especially in the countryside, with many Koreans going to south-east asian countries to find a wife. A lot of those relationships have problems, and that may color people's opinions of you dating someone in their community.

[sokocanuck21]

[Otherside]

[samd]

[travelingfool]

I had some smoking hot adult female students and coworkers who I would go hang out with on occasion (just friends mind you as I don't date students). Middle age men would get really pissed and hostile. These guys would call them whores and all kinds of vulgar things. When I dated an older woman who was maybe a 4 on her best day nobody looked twice or seemed to care. Nobody seemed bothered by a foreign ajosshi and Korean ajumma walking around together. I guess they figure the K-lady is past her expiration date and perhaps it's better for her to be with a dirty foreigner than to be alone. Who knows.

The nice thing is that even the loudest and most vile ajosshis are just that, loud and vile. They piss and moan and huff and puff but they won't escalate things.

[Forward Observer]

My wife was 22 when I met her in 1997. What I found was that the hostile attitudes faded away as we grew older and into our 30's. People barely even notice nowadays. Don't know about small towns though, could be different.