Korean Job Discussion Forums

[transpomer]

i'm a 28 year old korean guy who have a 22 year old korean gf who i been dating since december for about 9 months so far.

i'm posting this cuz i know that while there are always joking and goofying around going on in this forum, i've seen many of you guys sharing with each other some serious heartfelt thoughts and advices.
i believe that you guys would be, even though you guys may not be korean, considerate to give me some advices.

to sum up our relationship for past 9 months, i'd have to say
it's been very hard for me.

she's been diagnosed and suffered from some mental problems since she was around 18 or 19 she says. not with some psychopath stuff, but (very) minor symtoms of depression, cyclothyme, panic attack, anxiety.

she has had some terrible personal experiences that could have been the cause of her mental problems. two of her ex-boyfriends died; one from suicide(jumped off the building), one from car accident. she was sexually assaulted when she was 3, and (she says) raped when she was 4.

she says her family moved once every 1~3 years (about ten times in her life) because of her father's company stationed him to places to places to different cities and provinces like that. (he's in insurance company). so she was never able to make deep friendship, which made her childhood and teenage years very unstable whereever she went until they finally settled in gyunggido 2 years ago. she now has a few friends that she calls real friends she made in college.

the last terrible incident that she went through happened last year, a couple months before i first met her. she got preganant from her ex-boyfriend and she had abortion. she had to suffer from both physical damages and mental hardships that came from feeling guilty.

now that's been how her life has been.

most of the times she's with me or even when she's not with me, she's very depressed. she may laugh, have fun, says she's happy time to time, but she would turn depressed eventually.

she told me a few times that she appreciates that i care for her and be there for her when she's in need. she never told me that she loves me because she doesn't want to get hurt anymore and that's her way of protecting herself, not letting her feelings out.

she told me she loves me 2 or 3 times (she was drunk).

there were a few times that she told me not to see each other anymore.
because it is so hard for her that she can't care for me and love me as much as i do for her and as she wants.
but of course i always tried and talked her off that thought.

when i first met her, i thought i ccould blow all her problems and make her happy with my 'power of love'. she has been the top priority in my life and i devoted myself to her. but after 9 months, i have to admit that there was nothing i could do to make them go away. no matter how hard i try, it is useless unless she herself realizes that she has to change her attitude toward life. i wanted to be that motivation for her. but i don't think i have been successful on that. maybe it's because i'm not good for her, not the one for her. or cuz she doesn't love me enough.

i don't expect her or push her to treat me as other girls would do to their
boyfriends. because i understand that she's not as mentally healthy as other girls. i thought i had to be a 'giver' instead of 'taker' until when she becomes mentally healthier and ready.

but inspite of my devotion to her, i think she's been placing more and more distance between us. for last couple of days, she didn't look glad at all to be with me. we would sit together at a coffee shop or what, i keep trying to make a conversation but she shows no interests or attention to what i say. all that she shows on her look is boredom. i'm not a funny guy, am rather quiet. anyway.... then she would just go home leaving me feel like a totally useless guy.

i called her yesterday evening and asked her "don't you have anything to
talk about when were together?' she says 'no'. I go "do you not want to
say anything when we're together?' she says 'no', so i asked 'do you not
enjoy being with me?' then she got frustrated and said 'what is your problem? i'm hanging up.' then she hung up on me.

and she's not answering my call all day long today.

well...i think it'd take forever to finish explaining my situation....
i'm terrible at writing out my thoughts. and also my english is not so good either.

with all above being said, i think the fundamental cause of problems in our
relationship is her mental unstablility. (i feel bad cuz i feel like i'm blaming
on her....not that i've been perfect, i don't think i'm any close to perfect)

i've been trying very hard to make things better in our relationship. i even had to give up quite portions of my own life to do that, money, time and people, etc. but now i think i'm finally running out of hope....i've never thought of breaking up, because i love her and didn't want to give up on her. but now i'm beginning to....
maybe she's waiting for me to break up with her.

man...this is going nowhere...i'm sorry for blabbering.

what would you guys do if you were in my position.
i know that i'm the one who has to make the decision eventually.
i guess i just wanted to let some off my chest.

any advices, criticism are all welcome.

[ThingsComeAround]

Dude, I am no doctor but

I feel you have the best of intentions.
But that may lead you straight into hell.

You know about her past. That is a big bonus for you, not to get outta dodge, but to understand and give her the space she needs. It won't be comfortable for you, however if you want her to really appreciate your love you can't force it down her throat. (The impression I get is you DO want her to behave like 'other girls treat their guys', and why shouldn't you? It would make You happy, right??)

Instead of taking her 'out', why not stay in? build something more intimate and "friendly", cook together, watch a DVD or go out and ride a bike or walk. Or go to the library and read a book. Don't try to just "talk" because sometimes she doesn't want to make YOU unhappy with her depressing thoughts. Try to enjoy a silent presence.

I think you should be patient, and keep trying. Breaking up could be hard on her, especially since two of her exes DIED and she has never had a 'real' friendship until college. You should also consider your own happiness, but as I said, breaking up could be hard on her.

If you consider trying more, recommend a yoga studio/jogging club/any activity that will get the body moving. Activity is always good for releasing depression. If the situation doesn't improve, then consider professional therapy, with her consent of course!

Good luck.

[I'm no Picasso]

The simple answer, my friend, is this:

Assaulted at 3, raped at 4, father who moved her all over, two dead boyfriends and one who got her pregnant, leading to an abortion, and who clearly isn't around anymore.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Do you believe the harm caused by six men in 22 years can be undone by one man in nine months?

You can't be your lover's hero. It just doesn't work that way. Your girl's got to sort things out on her own, for herself. You can be supportive of her while she does, but don't fool yourself into thinking you can "save" her. It simply doesn't happen.

Good luck.

[redaxe]

If I were you, I would break up with her. It sounds like she's taking advantage of you. You gotta stand up for yourself. You sound like a nice guy who's totally selfless, but there's a such thing as TOO nice. Be more confident because YOU deserve to be treated better than this, and there is someone out there who will do that for you. Let this girl down easy though, no hard feelings.

[Oreovictim]

I'm so sorry to hear about all the trauma that she has been through. I'm sure that if I grew up the way that she did, I would have problems, too. Most people would.

When you start a relationship, you want to be happy. Where has your happiness been? Sure, you have made things good for her sometimes, but it just sounds like too much effort. What she need is a good long-term doctor who can help her out. This is too much for you to take.

Honestly, I would get out of this relationship. It's natural to feel sorry for her, but, again, this is too much for you.

Good luck.

[Atramentous]

Transpomer - you sound like a lovely guy, but Picasso is right. It will take far more than 9 months for your girlfriend to "recover" from past trauma. She has not had an easy life and these things leave scars. They do heal, but it takes a lot of time.
I am not sure about the cultural impact of seeing a psychologist, but she needs help to heal, professional help. A supportive and loving relationship is always a good thing, but she needs more.
I can speak from a certain amount of experience - my parents both had jobs that created an environment of constant change. I never had the same classmates two years in a row. While that affected me the least of my siblings, I do have two sisters that suffered from it a great deal. As for abuse and rape - no one recovers from that easily. However, you can learn to live with your past, but, again, it requires help.

Help her to help herself. That is the best you can do.

Good Luck.

[grunden]

1. You are sleeping with her, STOP.
2. This will let her see that guys can be good, and caring, even though
she does not give them s e x.

3. take her to a counselor

4. If you do not do this you will damage her more

[by2004]

Wait till you marry her! Oh boy...

[Epicurus]

tranpomer, good luck- some good advice given and I have nothing to add.

I am curious about one thing though.

can a child really remember anything done to him/her at 4 years old?
no matter how traumatic? I remember nothing about my life until about 7 or so and even then it's really very tiny bits and pieces.

(and please don't dare suggest I am minimizing the crime. I think child sexual assaulters and rapists should be put into the general prison population which means their certain death)

[Joe666]

All relationships are tough. It takes work, period. Here's my two cents and unfortunately, it's probably way over priced.

Give her some time and space. Explain to her that you are giving her time and space to figure out what she wants in regard to your relationship. Just don't spend time with her unless she wants to! This may be difficult for you because of your feelings for her, but I feel it should naturally lead to her making decisions about your relationship.

Give this some time. If at some point you feel that she is too far gone, then you should just move on. I hate to hear stories like this.

[Carla]

There's also the possiblity she's a nutjob. I mean I have seen women who are pathological liars. Yes, some people have so much trauma in their lives, and then some just need attention. There was a student at my university who just had stories that got bigger and bigger. By the end, her family owned a beach side antebellum home (that was being remodeled so she lived in an apartment), she had ghosts living in her house she could talk to (just like the movies), she had a ghost that would ride in her car (country song), she had all these sexual traumas, she had a hysterectomy based on some trauma (which she had to administer estrogen shots in the middle of class for).... She was dating a guy I knew until the stories got too big.

I'm not saying your girl is making things up, but she might be. Either way, she should seek help. If she's telling the truth, she needs someone who knows what they are doing to learn to love herself and trust people again.

[E_athlete]

Prozac, it was invented for a reason.

[transpomer]

thingscomearound
i'm no picasso
redaxe
oreovictim
atramentous
grunden
by2004
epicarus
joe666
carla
e_athlete

to epicarus: she says she remembers that of when she was 3 and 4...
first it made me wonder. i chose to believe her.

guys, i really appreciate all your comments and advices.
thank you all so so much. i wish i could thank you individually.

i hesitated if i should post this writing. cuz i was kinda embarassed to post something like this. but i'm glad i did now. cuz you guys comments
definitely helped me get a new point of view toward the way i think i should treat her. even though there are still so much to figure out in my head.

i think she's a tough kind of girl to deal with.
she's so locked up within herself and don't know how to give or accept love. maybe it's my fault that failed to earn her trust enough.

it'd be totally absurd if i say i understand her feelings, pain, trauma, cuz
i've never experienced any of those. probably that's where the problems started.

i wish i was a type of person who gives a couple shots, and if it doen't work out well, then back off without any difficulty. i just can't eastily get this idea off my mind that if i keep trying, it will work out someday.
i just get too attached when it comes to a relationship. sigh.

all your advices will definitely be helpful for me to make decisions.

guys, thanks again. you all are wonderful people.
i wish i could treat you for a round of soju if you were all here.

[benji1422]

I agree with the above posters

1. break up the sex
2. still be friends with her
3. take her to professional help. not shamans, church counselors or fortune tellers... real freudian psychoanalysis. If she's batsh!t crazy they will know or if she is just traumatized, they will be able to help (albeit it will take years)

And remember this... Korean women themselves have told me (and they tell this to each other) that they are ALL depressed and anxious as a result of their history, their mothers and the harsh culture which allows them no room to breathe.

[Chambertin]

RUN

Raped at 4. If thats true thats damage on a big level.
Thats physical damage on a massive level.
The rest was reason enough, that molestation and rape is just the icing on the very rotton cake.

On a different subject,
Your English is darn good. PLEASE do not pickup the habits of internet posters. Shift was put on the keyboard for a reason. Shortcuts are for phones only. Why write a few thousand characters and not capitalize I?