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Freeghen
Joined: 01 Oct 2009
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 Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:44 am Post subject: Marrying my Korean boyfriend - Mother in Law problems |
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After 11 years of knowing each other (5 of them dating), my Korean boyfriend proposed to me on Christmas Eve.
One of the main reasons I speculate this took so long was because of his mother. This woman hates me with a fiery passion that burns deep within her soul.
When my boyfriend first moved abroad, one of the things she told him specifically not to do was "date or marry a black or white girl. Date a Korean, if you cannot find a Korean - at least an Asian".
Classic.
The first time I met his mother, I was invited over for dinner. As I went to sit down, she started going ballistic and went into the kitchen and proceeded to slam cupboards and yell.
Now at this time I did not understand ANY Korean. My boyfriend told me to go into the other room and wait. After about 5 mins, his mother comes into the room and starts waving a 5 dollar bill in my face. Later on I was told that she said "go to Mc Donalds and eat something, white people can't eat Korean food".
Now, I have tried to get on her good side in the past (brought housewarming gifts, gave Christmas cards, been polite, etc), but I have not seen her in the last 3 years as she won't invite me over to the house because she doesn't fancy 'the white girl'.
For awhile I really didn't care and figured if that was her attitude - so be it. I wasn't going to go out of my way to please this woman.
However...
Now that my fiance and I are going to get married - I HAVE to get along with this woman....or at least be civil.
I'm not sure how to do this....
Any tips? |
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kiknkorea
Joined: 16 May 2008
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:51 am Post subject: |
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Congratulations on your engagement!
There isn't a whole lot you can do when someone is this closed-minded.
What does your fiance think of it? Is he OK with this situation as it is?
Not that she deserves it, but I would just attempt being civil around her and try living as far away from her as possible.
Good luck. |
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Daniel_D
Joined: 29 Dec 2008
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:53 am Post subject: |
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Problem isn't with you.
Problem is with her.
You can't change people unless they want to be changed....
had alot of experience wiith that last one...
Well, I wouldn't tolerate her behavior personally, and I would take her out of my life. If she wants to be civil and rejoin at a later date I would let her. |
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Radius
Joined: 20 Dec 2009
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:55 am Post subject: |
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| kiknkorea wrote: |
Congratulations on your engagement!
There isn't a whole lot you can do when someone is this closed-minded.
What does your fiance think of it? Is he OK with this situation as it is?
Not that she deserves it, but I would just attempt being civil around her and try living as far away from her as possible.
Good luck. |
kiknkora your avatar goes perfectly with this thread.....so op what does the father think??? |
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Freeghen
Joined: 01 Oct 2009
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:02 am Post subject: |
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| Radius wrote: |
| kiknkorea wrote: |
Congratulations on your engagement!
There isn't a whole lot you can do when someone is this closed-minded.
What does your fiance think of it? Is he OK with this situation as it is?
Not that she deserves it, but I would just attempt being civil around her and try living as far away from her as possible.
Good luck. |
kiknkora your avatar goes perfectly with this thread.....so op what does the father think??? |
His father was always pleasant to me the times that I met him. Like I said before, I haven't had contact with them for the last three years because his mom doesn't want to see me, and his Dad just goes along with it.
Neither of them speak much English, neither does his brother, despite the fact that they have been in Canada for the last 11 years.
I'm going back to Canada from Korea next month. I don't even know if I will be invited over to their place when I get back, so far my fiance has not mentioned anything about it.
My fiance knows what his mother is like and from what he has told me, he pretty much is fed up with the situation and her attitude and has told her to shove it. He used to care about her opinion a lot (we broke up for 6 years over it and he only dated Korean girls in that time), but now he realizes that she is never going to change (she didn't like any of his Korean gf's either - because they weren't 'good enough') and he finally proposed. |
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proustme
Joined: 13 Jun 2009
Location: Nowon-gu
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:03 am Post subject: |
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From everything I gather, all the problems with family in laws disappear once you and your husband have a baby. ....if that's any consolation.
You've done all you can do thus far. It's sad your mother-in-law-to-be embodies a lot of the prejudice and ignorance that goes on in this country. How down right disgusting of her to say "you can't eat Korean food." It seems like she knows you can, but she doesn't want to eat food with you.
I suppose this might have been a lighter version of your first dinner: Guess Who's Coming to Dinner with Sidney Portier in this scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Tss1OqeKyY#t=0m28s |
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blackjack
Joined: 04 Jan 2006
Location: anyang
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:09 am Post subject: Re: Marrying my Korean boyfriend - Mother in Law problems |
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| Freeghen wrote: |
After 11 years of knowing each other (5 of them dating), my Korean boyfriend proposed to me on Christmas Eve.
One of the main reasons I speculate this took so long was because of his mother. This woman hates me with a fiery passion that burns deep within her soul.
When my boyfriend first moved abroad, one of the things she told him specifically not to do was "date or marry a black or white girl. Date a Korean, if you cannot find a Korean - at least an Asian".
Classic.
The first time I met his mother, I was invited over for dinner. As I went to sit down, she started going ballistic and went into the kitchen and proceeded to slam cupboards and yell.
Now at this time I did not understand ANY Korean. My boyfriend told me to go into the other room and wait. After about 5 mins, his mother comes into the room and starts waving a 5 dollar bill in my face. Later on I was told that she said "go to Mc Donalds and eat something, white people can't eat Korean food".
Now, I have tried to get on her good side in the past (brought housewarming gifts, gave Christmas cards, been polite, etc), but I have not seen her in the last 3 years as she won't invite me over to the house because she doesn't fancy 'the white girl'.
For awhile I really didn't care and figured if that was her attitude - so be it. I wasn't going to go out of my way to please this woman.
However...
Now that my fiance and I are going to get married - I HAVE to get along with this woman....or at least be civil.
I'm not sure how to do this....
Any tips? |
The only thing you can do is have a boy. If that doesn't work wait till she dies. If it is as bad as you say then if plan A doesn't work then plan B will. You will have to set some ground rules with your boyfriend to ensure that she doesn't try to come between you. I have know a few korean western couples and no matter how bad the relationship between the outsider and inlaws was, kids always thawed the ice. Also learning korean to a decent level.
Out of curiosity is he the eldest? Does she have any other grand kids? |
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blackjack
Joined: 04 Jan 2006
Location: anyang
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:11 am Post subject: |
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| Radius wrote: |
| kiknkorea wrote: |
Congratulations on your engagement!
There isn't a whole lot you can do when someone is this closed-minded.
What does your fiance think of it? Is he OK with this situation as it is?
Not that she deserves it, but I would just attempt being civil around her and try living as far away from her as possible.
Good luck. |
kiknkora your avatar goes perfectly with this thread.....so op what does the father think??? |
From the couples I know, what the father thinks means nothing. Korean men like to think they wear the pants (and often do in public). |
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Xuanzang
Joined: 10 Apr 2007
Location: Sadang
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:18 am Post subject: |
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| He's lucky you continued after the 5 dollar bill slight. I'd have walked after that. |
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djsmnc
Joined: 20 Jan 2003
Location: Dave's ESL Cafe
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:22 am Post subject: |
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I have two Korean friends with potential mother in law problems as well. One is a girl whose mother in law hates her, and another is a girl who said that she doesn't want her daughter with the guy she is with unless he can come up with 200,000,000 for an apartment deposit. In the second case, my friend went ahead and said yes to the guys proposal the next day anyway.
The best part of your situation is that your man is on your side. As far as I'm or most anyone else is concerned, that's what matters most. Don't let a third party try to have any sway over your relationship (as it sounds like he isn't anymore) and it'll be smooth sailing.
I knew a Korean guy in the US whose mom (who later had a second marriage to a white foreign GI) made him break up with his attractive black girlfriend. That seems to fit right in with that recent thread about weird instances of Korean pride.
If she chooses to be an ugly person, that's her choice. I think it's just best to always be unconditionally cordial and let her stand out as the crazy one! |
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Freeghen
Joined: 01 Oct 2009
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:23 am Post subject: Re: Marrying my Korean boyfriend - Mother in Law problems |
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| blackjack wrote: |
| Freeghen wrote: |
After 11 years of knowing each other (5 of them dating), my Korean boyfriend proposed to me on Christmas Eve.
One of the main reasons I speculate this took so long was because of his mother. This woman hates me with a fiery passion that burns deep within her soul.
When my boyfriend first moved abroad, one of the things she told him specifically not to do was "date or marry a black or white girl. Date a Korean, if you cannot find a Korean - at least an Asian".
Classic.
The first time I met his mother, I was invited over for dinner. As I went to sit down, she started going ballistic and went into the kitchen and proceeded to slam cupboards and yell.
Now at this time I did not understand ANY Korean. My boyfriend told me to go into the other room and wait. After about 5 mins, his mother comes into the room and starts waving a 5 dollar bill in my face. Later on I was told that she said "go to Mc Donalds and eat something, white people can't eat Korean food".
Now, I have tried to get on her good side in the past (brought housewarming gifts, gave Christmas cards, been polite, etc), but I have not seen her in the last 3 years as she won't invite me over to the house because she doesn't fancy 'the white girl'.
For awhile I really didn't care and figured if that was her attitude - so be it. I wasn't going to go out of my way to please this woman.
However...
Now that my fiance and I are going to get married - I HAVE to get along with this woman....or at least be civil.
I'm not sure how to do this....
Any tips? |
The only thing you can do is have a boy. If that doesn't work wait till she dies. If it is as bad as you say then if plan A doesn't work then plan B will. You will have to set some ground rules with your boyfriend to ensure that she doesn't try to come between you. I have know a few korean western couples and no matter how bad the relationship between the outsider and inlaws was, kids always thawed the ice. Also learning korean to a decent level.
Out of curiosity is he the eldest? Does she have any other grand kids? |
He is the eldest (I know what a problem that can be), there are no grandchildren. His younger brother is also very closed-minded. Although his brother has lived in Canada for the last 10 years, he is only friends with Koreans, goes to a Korean church, barely speaks English and only dates Korean women. |
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Freeghen
Joined: 01 Oct 2009
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:27 am Post subject: |
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| Xuanzang wrote: |
| He's lucky you continued after the 5 dollar bill slight. I'd have walked after that. |
It was pretty appalling to say the least.
That is when I asked him to inform her via translation that the reason why Korean food is spicy in the first place is because the Portuguese introduced to Korea the peppers and spices which are used - and the Portuguese are often placed in the 'white' category. Sorry my queen.
He wouldn't translate it... |
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dbmctague
Joined: 12 Oct 2008
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:28 am Post subject: |
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| proustme wrote: |
From everything I gather, all the problems with family in laws disappear once you and your husband have a baby. ....if that's any consolation.
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner with Sidney Portier in this scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Tss1OqeKyY#t=0m28s |
I second the Baby solution. When my dad (white guy) married my mom (korean) back in the 70's, her entire family refused to attend the wedding in Seoul. After my sister was born and a pair of twins later (me), we became the extended family favorite and my dad was welcomed into the family. I don't mean to be biased and on a superficial note, half white/asian kids tend to be quite attractive. Who knows, you might produce a very good looking son or daughter that will be the envy of the family.
It helps though to speak good korean as my dad did and still does. |
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Freeghen
Joined: 01 Oct 2009
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:32 am Post subject: |
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| dbmctague wrote: |
| proustme wrote: |
From everything I gather, all the problems with family in laws disappear once you and your husband have a baby. ....if that's any consolation.
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner with Sidney Portier in this scene http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Tss1OqeKyY#t=0m28s |
I second the Baby solution. When my dad (white guy) married my mom (korean) back in the 70's, her entire family refused to attend the wedding in Seoul. After my sister was born and a pair of twins later (me), we became the extended family favorite and my dad was welcomed into the family. I don't mean to be biased and on a superficial note, half white/asian kids tend to be quite attractive. Who knows, you might produce a very good looking son or daughter that will be the envy of the family.
It helps though to speak good korean as my dad did and still does. |
Well at least that provides me a glimmer of hope ~
Too bad we won't be hopping on the baby-wagon for at least another 3 to 5 years...
I guess I am up for another 3 - 5 years of snide remarks and hatred 
I guess one question that I would really like answered is:
"WHY WOULD YOU MOVE TO CANADA IF YOU HATE NON-ASIAN PEOPLE????" That is completely ABSURD.
That is like me saying "I hate South Asians" (I don't) and then moving to India.
It makes NO SENSE. |
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ChopChaeJoe
Joined: 05 Mar 2006
Location: Seoul
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| Posted: Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:48 am Post subject: |
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| That's sad. no advice, but wishing you much happiness. |
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