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Asian Economic Woes Force Layoffs Of 700,000 Pop Stars
MARCH 26, 2010 | ISSUE 46�12

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA�In what is being called the worst development to hit the Asian pop star industry in years, the floundering economy forced several Pacific Rim nations to lay off some 700,000 pop stars this week, sources close to the young, perky entertainers reported. "Although we still have more than 2 million pop stars left working, this is a devastating blow," entertainment industry analyst Bak Jae-bok said. "Sadly, the space-age Korean teenybopper and Japanese cowboy sectors were hit the hardest, and may take many months to recover." Bak went on to say that several Asian entertainment corporations are now looking to outsource their red-haired, leather-jacket-wearing teenage boy workforce overseas.

[Gaber]

The Onion in brief section?

[Moldy Rutabaga]

Update (AP): In a related move, Asian music industry giants Ban-Al and Kon-Trived, managers of such successful bands as n'Ter ChangUble and 4Mulaic, announced that due to economic hardship the number 3 would be temporarily removed from songwriting algorithms, leaving the lyric writing computers to only use 1 and 2. As a result, current Korean pop hit Chee-Z was obligated to change the chorus to their latest hit, "Loving you rainy everyday," from "1,2,3: I wanna sexy" to "1 and 2, I wanna dance with U." An unnamed industry spokesman told sources that if the economic malaise continued, band names would be restricted to AM rather than both AM and PM. The height of the Asian music industry's woes can be summed up by Suh Reg-gee, lead singer of boy band 1Hit 1Der: "How can we be expected to mature as musical artists when our agency keeps cutting our budgets for hair gel and sparkly leather?"

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