Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Bloopity Bloop]

In all of the relationships I've ever had, I've been the one to break them off. I inevitably develop relationship claustrophobia--I feel trapped/crushed. I'm fine at first, but as soon as we hit the bed/things start escalating, these feelings start busting in on the relationship. Months later (a year at the longest), I end it. I've always pictured a family in my future, but over the course of a good number of relationships, this is exactly how it's always played out. I've just entered a new one and already, I'm getting these feelings again. Anyone else have the same issues? What could this be indicative of?

I've never cheated on any of my exes and I have never had any strong compulsion to do so; I simply feel like these girls are impeding on my life. I find myself resenting them for no reason. I resent their need for attention and reminisce about the platonic/flirty times we shared pre-relationship.

I guess my ideal girl would be one I wouldn't have to see/talk to everyday, and be more like a friend (outside of the bedroom) than a girlfriend. Not just a friend with benefits, though, 'cause I'd like a family, eventually. Whatever, I'm rambling. Summary: when I'm in a relationship, I wanna get out. When I'm out of a relationship, I want in. I find that when I'm with a girl I'm interested in, my favorite times with them is before the couple-type stuff like having to text, "I miss you.", etc., etc. begins.

Anyone else with relationship issues or insight into this? Am I just an a$$?

[nukeday]

Sorry man. Women require some maintenance. It's not easy to have your cake and eat it too. Enjoy the positive aspects of being in a relationship. If the negatives are too much, you might have to rethink what you really want.

[dharma bum]

[Gaber]

I dunno, not really enough info to say anything concrete.
Everyone feels like that sometimes though. It's natural, when you commit to one person you are giving up god knows what possibilities.
If it's generally a positive relationship and you like the person it may be worth looking at where your own feelings are coming from. Or maybe they're just not the one for you. Shrug

[Hootsmon]

I've had exactly the same problem numerous times, but usually I only last a month or two before breaking it off. I usually have to because the stress of being with someone I don't REALLY want to be with causes me stomachaches.

I'm just hoping that it's because I haven't met the right person yet, rather than that I'm an emotional cripple and destined to die alone.

As someone said above, I think the key problem is giving up all the potential possibilities - as someone who loves my freedom, I hate the thought of that. However, hopefully, if you meet someone you think is perfect for you (i.e. the right person), then you won't think about other possibilities because they won't seem better, then you can feel content.

[BURNBURNRUBBER]

yup... we're a generation who has never had to fight for anything; no draft card or bra burning; no flight from slavery or battle for a place to call home.
this is the new crisis... pre-mid-life.
a full-on commitment is not so simple when things come easy and a better career or more awesome lady could lay just beyond the next grassy knoll.
i still feel like i'm 16...only... i'm definitely not...
when did our parents start to feel like real, big people?
i also hope this changes before my deathbed.

[Oreovictim]

Yeah, I go through that, too, sometimes. It happens more in Korea. The women I've met here come across as too clingy and move too fast. I don't like feeling backed into a corner right away. Back home, it was normal for me to be in a relationship and not have to call everyday. But here, I get bugged too much. "Kee! Kee! I just ate kimbab!" Great, I look forward to your "I'm drinking water!" text, as well.

Also, it's hard to get enthusiastic about being in a relationship here when everyone seems the same. Favorite show: Sex in the City, Music: Beyonce or Britney Spears, Hobbies: chatting over coffee, etc.

O.P., just keep looking. I don't know your age, but maybe you'll want to settle when you get a little older. Until then, just keep looking. Maybe you'll find one that makes you want to commit.

[canale226]

I think what it really means is - you will die alone. Seriously... I'm sorry but you're destined to be alone forever, because nobody you meet will ever be good enough.

Okay, in all seriousness.... I understand this totally. I'm just starting something new with someone now, and am already playing out the next 10 months in my brain - where I get bored and they fall deeper into it... and I end up the self absorbed jerk-off. I don't enjoy that role, but it seems inevitable.

I like to think though, that this just means the right woman hasn't been found yet. Maybe this new girl is her, maybe it isn't - but I'd be remiss if I didn't give it the proper shake.

Just keep trying... someday (I imagine) it will just "click."

[prideofidaho]

[Chet Wautlands]

OP, it might help if you try and live more in the moment and think less about where this relationship is going. I know that in the past I've made the mistake of creating a "future" in my mind that involves me stuck with this girl and her holding me back from my potential, but when I manage to get back into the "now" I realize that most of this is in my head. Helps taking deep breaths.

That having been said, if you're in your 20s... lots and lots of time.

[misher]

OP,

I hear you dude. I am EXACTLY the same way. Every relationship I've had since highschool went the same way. After 4 or 5 months I'd start to resent my girlfriend for "holding me back" which also coincided with the sex starting to become a bit dull.

Korean girls and I don't mix at all because the relationships are based mostly around sex. Similar interests were just never a factor and if sex wasn't a part of the equation then there is no way we would hang out or even be friends because the Korean women in question were boring as hell. I'm sure there are some interesting young Korean women out there but most in my experience have been so boring and would probably be absolute hell to have a relationship with.

I thought I was destined to be alone forever and the thought really didn't frighten me. Then low and behold I met a girl and we became insanely good friends. After about 6 months of friendship we got together and we still are together to this day. She is Korean but so NOT Korean it is almost a bit scary. Her friends think she is a bit odd but she doesn't care. Our sense of humor, interests and personalities are pretty much exactly the same. Things that I would do that pissed women off in the past she finds funny for example.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that SEX is a lower priority in our relationship. We've been together for 2 years now and I'd be lieing if I said it was all still the same as the beginning. Obviously sex with the same person has become a bit boring BUT THAT IS OK. If we rarely had sex our relationship would still be ok because we have so much else in common. Most guys that date Korean women or any women for that matter would not think the same. Most Korean/foreigner relationships are built around sex first which just spells disaster once getting hot and heavy becomes dull.

If you meet a girl and don't resent her for taking your time you know you've found the right one. She will be your girlfriend but also your best friend too. If this girl never comes along then that is also ok. Most and more people aren't getting married these days and being single at an older age is becoming way more accepted. Being single has its advantages too some of which I miss sometimes.

[Forward Observer]

[shapeshifter]

[wuzza]

Speaking as a married man who went through some of the same things you're talking about, you have to analyze the type of girls you're attracted to and getting into relationships with.
In my experience (I know there are exceptions), English teachers mostly meet their K-girlfriends in bars. A lot of the girls who frequent bars where foreigners hang out are looking for a romanticized notion of inter-cultural love that they have read or heard about from friends.
You're interested in getting laid, and so do whatever they want to make that happen. It's no surprise tha the spark is gone after a few months, and she is wondering why you're not as attentive and considerate as you were at the start of the relationship, and you realize that without the lust that drove your relationship in the early stages, you don't have all that much in common and you don't particularly like being around her.

Solution: Don't get into a relationship with a girl who wants you. Find an independent, strong, career women who wants nothing to do with a foreigner because she knows she can do better. Work hard at charming her, persevere, learn about her interests. At the very least, you get the thrill of the chase, and maybe you meet someone who has brain between her ears, and a career that makes it more likely that YOU'RE the one texting her "did you have lunch?".

No offense meant to anyone, but I see a lot of my friends in similar situations, and I was there for a few years myself, just going around in circles.

[Zulethe]

No offense bub, but I've always thought that you were a girl. You might want to take a look at that angle.