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J Rock
Joined: 17 Jan 2009
Location: The center of the Earth, Suji
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 Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 3:36 am Post subject: SURPRISE! She's pregnant. |
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It finally happened (not like I wanted it to) but it did. My Korean girlfriend is pregnant. We've been together for maybe 6 months and I feel like this is way too soon for something like this to be happening.
She's freaking out and now i'm starting to lose it. We both have no idea what to do now (but she does want to keep it). She's super cool and we get along really well but there are obviously a lot of decisions we have to make in the next couple months and i'm confused as hell!
1. Are we supposed to get married now? Assuming she would even marry me and I don't even think we're ready to get married yet.
2. Do we have the baby here or in the US because of citizenship reasons? I don't even know how the citizenship thing works.
3. The issue of parents, first my parents I haven't told them yet about her being pregnant but they do know we're dating. I don't think they would care but would be more concerned about what are plans are.
Now for her parents, they know about me and we have met 3 times in six months. She tells me that they are ok with us dating (they also don't know about her being pregnant.) The few times I met them they were nice but not overly friendly, we went over for dinner and they basically ignored me. They weren't rude but didn't really ask me any questions or try to get to know me. So I suspect they think this might be a phase that their daughter is dating a whitey and will grow out of it.
She wants us to go over in person and sit down and talk to him face to face which scares me a little bit. He's actually a pretty big man who could if it came down to it beat the crap out of me. I can just imagine sitting down in front of him trying to be polite and explaining to the situation and him winding up and belting me in the face! I don't think that would happen but I have no idea how her family will react.
I have no idea why i'm venting to a bunch of strangers on an online forum but I don't know anybody else who has gone through something like this. Maybe somebody out there has had the same thing happen and MAYBE it turned out really well. Or it turned out really bad?[/b] |
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Lee Myung Bak
Joined: 25 Jun 2010
Location: Seoul
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 3:57 am Post subject: |
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Wow, tough break.
First off, just chill, and take it step by step.
1) confirm that she 100% wants to keep it before telling anyone
2) As much as it sounds nice to tell her parents as a couple in person, I would suggest she tells them before you go over there. That way the old man will have time to accept that he is going to have a grandchild that is fathered by a white man. If you tell them in person, its more likely to result in an incident.
3) Once the dust settles make a plan about where to have the baby. Personally, I would have the kid in the states, so he/she will become an automatic citizen,... and if its a boy, and he comes back to Korea, he should be able to get out of the mandatory military service.
4) Her parents will probably want you two to get married, be prepared for that.
Last edited by Lee Myung Bak on Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:07 am; edited 1 time in total |
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PatrickGHBusan
Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Location: Busan (1997-2008) Canada 2008 -
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:12 am Post subject: |
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Good response by Lee Myung Bak except for point 2.
I would advise the opposite: tell her parents together and with respect. Not showing up and leaving her to make the announcement by herself if pretty shameful and will not raise your stock with her parents. You can and should expect a reaction from her parents. I mean you did get their daughter pregnant....
As for the situation, if she wants to keep it you will have to step up and be an adult about this. You played the game, now someone called your bluff (sorry to be blunt here).
The last thing your gf needs is for you to lose it. Remain calm and supportive as this is your kid she is now carrying.
Marriage may be in the cards here but you two better love each otherwise marrying for the baby will blow up in your face.
At any rate, get ready for a life change OP oh and congratulations...
Last edited by PatrickGHBusan on Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:24 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Captain Corea
Joined: 28 Feb 2005
Location: Seoul
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:20 am Post subject: Re: SURPRISE! She's pregnant. |
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| J Rock wrote: |
| He's actually a pretty big man who could if it came down to it beat the crap out of me. I can just imagine sitting down in front of him trying to be polite and explaining to the situation and him winding up and belting me in the face! I don't think that would happen but I have no idea how her family will react.[/b] |
Actually, I kind of think this is possible.
Not trying to scare you at all, but if it was my daugher, then yeah, I'd be a possibility. |
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definitely maybe
Joined: 16 Feb 2008
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:46 am Post subject: |
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| Lee Myung Bak wrote: |
Wow, tough break.
First off, just chill, and take it step by step.
1) confirm that she 100% wants to keep it before telling anyone
2) As much as it sounds nice to tell her parents as a couple in person, I would suggest she tells them before you go over there. That way the old man will have time to accept that he is going to have a grandchild that is fathered by a white man. If you tell them in person, its more likely to result in an incident.
3) Once the dust settles make a plan about where to have the baby. Personally, I would have the kid in the states, so he/she will become an automatic citizen,... and if its a boy, and he comes back to Korea, he should be able to get out of the mandatory military service.
4) Her parents will probably want you two to get married, be prepared for that. |
You're child will definitely be able to qualify for US citizenship if he/she is born in Korea. If you're unmarried it'll require more paperwork, but that's the least of your worries. |
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crossmr
Joined: 22 Nov 2008
Location: Hwayangdong, Seoul
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 4:56 am Post subject: |
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Step 1 - Get off these forums.
This is far too personal a decision to be hacking it out with a bunch of strangers on the internet.
That said, know your options. Abortions are a dime a dozen in Korea. I don't know about her or you, but they are far easier to get here than back home. There has been quite a few articles on it, half of which are linked from this forum.
Go talk to her, talk to your siblings or other actual friends, lay out all your options weight the pros and cons and make a decision. You also don't have to make it today. You have a few days at least to make it unless she is having horrible symptoms.
did I mention get off the forum? |
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ajuma
Joined: 18 Feb 2003
Location: Anywere but Seoul!!
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 5:25 am Post subject: |
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| Lee Myung Bak wrote: |
Wow, tough break.
First off, just chill, and take it step by step.
Good plan!
1)confirm that she 100% wants to keep it before telling anyone
And talk about if YOU want the responsibility of raising a child. Single mothers in Korea are as rare as unicorns. Think about how YOU feel about the whole situation.
2) As much as it sounds nice to tell her parents as a couple in person, I would suggest she tells them before you go over there. That way the old man will have time to accept that he is going to have a grandchild that is fathered by a white man. If you tell them in person, its more likely to result in an incident.
I think that your girlfriend should talk to her Mom first. That will kind of pave the way for the talk with the Dad. Her Mom might have some insights that you both might be missing.
3) Once the dust settles make a plan about where to have the baby. Personally, I would have the kid in the states, so he/she will become an automatic citizen,... and if its a boy, and he comes back to Korea, he should be able to get out of the mandatory military service.
Is this something you want? Would you have the insurance to pay for a maternity stay in the States? When would you go? Would you continue to live there or would you want to come back here when she misses her family? Things to think about.
4) Her parents will probably want you two to get married, be prepared for that. No "probably" about it! FOR SURE!!
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And for those who felt that the OP shouldn't have posted here....what better place is there to get a wide range of opinions? |
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crossmr
Joined: 22 Nov 2008
Location: Hwayangdong, Seoul
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 5:33 am Post subject: |
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| ajuma wrote: |
| Lee Myung Bak wrote: |
Wow, tough break.
First off, just chill, and take it step by step.
Good plan!
1)confirm that she 100% wants to keep it before telling anyone
And talk about if YOU want the responsibility of raising a child. Single mothers in Korea are as rare as unicorns. Think about how YOU feel about the whole situation.
2) As much as it sounds nice to tell her parents as a couple in person, I would suggest she tells them before you go over there. That way the old man will have time to accept that he is going to have a grandchild that is fathered by a white man. If you tell them in person, its more likely to result in an incident.
I think that your girlfriend should talk to her Mom first. That will kind of pave the way for the talk with the Dad. Her Mom might have some insights that you both might be missing.
3) Once the dust settles make a plan about where to have the baby. Personally, I would have the kid in the states, so he/she will become an automatic citizen,... and if its a boy, and he comes back to Korea, he should be able to get out of the mandatory military service.
Is this something you want? Would you have the insurance to pay for a maternity stay in the States? When would you go? Would you continue to live there or would you want to come back here when she misses her family? Things to think about.
4) Her parents will probably want you two to get married, be prepared for that. No "probably" about it! FOR SURE!!
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And for those who felt that the OP shouldn't have posted here....what better place is there to get a wide range of opinions? |
opinions from strangers who don't know anything about him , his gf or their families or situation? Very valuable.. |
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djsmnc
Joined: 20 Jan 2003
Location: Dave's ESL Cafe
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 5:51 am Post subject: |
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| Just let us know if it's a boy or girl and I'll light a cigar in your honor! |
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sarahsiobhan
Joined: 24 May 2009
Location: Wherever I am , I am probably drinking tea.
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 5:52 am Post subject: |
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| PatrickGHBusan wrote: |
I mean you did get their daughter pregnant....
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HE didn't get her pregnant, THEY got her pregnant. She is just as responsible (if not more so, as she is in fact in ownership of the womb currently being occupied) so it's not at all fair to say it's all his fault. It takes two to tango, after all. Someone mentioned that abortions are easy to get in Korea; so is birth control. Use it, people.
(ps- yes I know it doesn't always work. However, one can make the intuitive leap and say that if a woman is on the Pill or some other form of BC, it's safe to say she doesn't want to get pregnant and therefore if one does slip past the goalie, as it were, a discreet abortion is the next logical step. I am not advocating that she should get one, just putting it out there.) |
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cdninkorea
Joined: 27 Jan 2006
Location: Seoul
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:00 am Post subject: Re: SURPRISE! She's pregnant. |
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| Captain Corea wrote: |
Actually, I kind of think this is possible.
Not trying to scare you at all, but if it was my daugher, then yeah, I'd be a possibility. |
I don't understand the logic in this: Your daughter is carrying a child with a man she's dating, and you might hit him? Why? Would you also hit your daughter? Assuming she consented, it's her responsibility as well. Or how about if you had a son who impregnated his girlfriend; would you hit her? Him?
OP: I think you should be present when the parents are informed, for reasons others have mentioned. Best of luck to you. |
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ajuma
Joined: 18 Feb 2003
Location: Anywere but Seoul!!
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:05 am Post subject: |
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| crossmr wrote: |
opinions from strangers who don't know anything about him , his gf or their families or situation? Very valuable.. |
Much more valuable than those of friends and relatives that have a vested interest in the situation. Posters here are only biased by their own predjudices. |
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crossmr
Joined: 22 Nov 2008
Location: Hwayangdong, Seoul
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:12 am Post subject: |
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| ajuma wrote: |
| crossmr wrote: |
opinions from strangers who don't know anything about him , his gf or their families or situation? Very valuable.. |
Much more valuable than those of friends and relatives that have a vested interest in the situation. Posters here are only biased by their own predjudices. |
And those suggestions might be totally inappropriate given the circumstances they're uninformed about. A bunch of people suggesting an abortion is unhelpful if she absolutely 100% won't do it.
While family members might have a vested interest, they're far more likely not to make outlandish suggestions and have some insight into his own feeling. |
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pkang0202
Joined: 09 Mar 2007
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:20 am Post subject: Re: SURPRISE! She's pregnant. |
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| cdninkorea wrote: |
| Captain Corea wrote: |
Actually, I kind of think this is possible.
Not trying to scare you at all, but if it was my daugher, then yeah, I'd be a possibility. |
I don't understand the logic in this: Your daughter is carrying a child with a man she's dating, and you might hit him? Why? Would you also hit your daughter? Assuming she consented, it's her responsibility as well. Or how about if you had a son who impregnated his girlfriend; would you hit her? Him?
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Emotional responses often defy logic. Captain Corea only said "possibility". That meaning, it is quite possible that if his daughter had an unplanned pregnancy with a boyfriend that he may attack the said boyfriend out of anger. It is also quite possible he would restrain himself.
One thing I know for sure is that he probably doesn't ever want to be in that situation to find out.
I'm about 99.999999% sure, having Korean parents, that if I told my parents I knocked a girl up and she's keeping the baby, there would be some violence.
I remember like 10 years ago when my cousin knocked up some girl. Had the baby, and told my aunt/uncle that he had a baby AFTER she was born, and AT his sister's wedding. That was quite a spectacle.
After that went down, my mom was lecturing/yelling at me as if I was the guy who knocked someone up.
My advice for the OP, ask the girlfriend what she thinks would be best. She knows her parents better than any of us. If she thinks its ok for him to be there, then be there. If she says he'd best not be there when she breaks the news, then he should at least be outisde the house but nearby (maybe waiting in the car or outside the apartment complex) so that he can be there in an instant if she needs him.
Later she can call him and either give him the all clear its ok to come up, or tell him he'd better go home and come back later.
Also, depending on how her parents feel about you, they may pressure her to get an abortion. The mother may actually threaten to disown her if she doesn't get one. I'm not saying that will happen, I'm jsut saying that you should think about all the possibilities.
Who knows, maybe the parents will accept it, support the 2 of you and live happily every after.
What I'm pretty sure on is that if she does keep it, you best get married ASAP. |
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Waluigi
Joined: 09 Apr 2009
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| Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:34 am Post subject: |
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This happened to me earlier this year in another Asian country with similar views on abortion and marriage.
We talked it over and decided it just wouldn't be fair to have a baby when neither of us could really afford it, and neither of us really wanted one anyway. To be quite honest the idea freaked me out massively!
So I would suggest thinking about the future and whether you can give a human being a good start in life, and whether you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with this woman. My answer to both of those questions was no (same with her).
She ended up going in for a termination. It was quick and relatively painless, but it was really emotional for her and, to some extent, me too. We got through it in the end and stayed together a while, but I'd say your relationship has to be strong to get through that.
There's no easy way out... but man to man I wish you the best of luck, as I know how it feels. |
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