Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Triban]

So I've been getting into some fights with my girlfriend, but we always make up. I think it is due to culture clash (Confucianism) and the Korean 'hive mind'. You must drink tonight because your boss tells you to, you must downplay your abilities, you must agree with an elder even if they are wrong...etc

I went off on her the other night about it and I feel horrible; after all I am living in her country, and I suppose I should conform to their rules even though I feel it is constricting and relatively stupid to do something you are against.

Anyway, I just don't want to be a monster. I want to have a good relationship. Even after living here over a year and dating Korean girls, I still don't understand some things about the culture. What are some cultural differences so that I may know in advance and how can I cope/accept them so no more fights will ensue?

[samd]

If you look down on your girlfriend in any way, or vice versa, your relationship will fail. You need mutual respect.

It sounds as though you are contemptuous of Korean culture. You need to come to terms with that, and accept Korean culture for what it is.

Despite the nonsense you will hear on Dave's from people who think our culture is inherently superior, culture is relative. There is no right or wrong. No better or worse, just different. If you can't accept that, your relationship is doomed to failure.

[edwardcatflap]

What rules did she want you to follow exactly? The ones you mention don't seem to be things that would normally be a problem in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. If she told you you had to pay for every meal out, buy her handbags regularly, give free English lessons to members of her family, carry her handbag everywhere and wear matching outfits, then I could understand why that might be more of an issue.

[SteveSteve]

You don't have to agree or like any aspect of Korean culture, but it helps to understand WHY so many Koreans are like that. Namely, Confucianism and collectivism accounts for nearly all Korean social behavior -- it's always about maintaining the harmony and respecting those who are older than you. Your work relationship is likened to a second family here, so skipping out on drinks with your coworkers shows that you don't care about your family. Disagreeing with an elder causes embarrassment to him/her, so it's best just to smile and nod in order to keep the harmony. Yeah, I think most Korean culture is frustrating and leads to inefficient communication. Then again, I've been here for three months and I guess I'm at the stage when my culture shock is boiling over.

Conversely, I believe that all schools (and your girlfriend) should try to learn about English-speaking culture as well. For example, Hagwon bosses should understand WHY we freak out when schools and directors deviate from the contract. Because in our culture, contracts are not flexible or ambiguous. Ultimately, we're in their country and should play by their rules, but cross-cultural understanding is not a one way street. If Korea truly wants to become a global player and because they're investing billions and billions of dollars alone in English education every year, some attempt should be made to understand where we're coming from.

[CentralCali]

[Triban]

[Vagabundo]

[Vagabundo]

re going out and drinking/dinners etc.

it's obviously different for Koreans and foreigners.

A Korean, especially a young one , on the bottom of the totem pole is under tremendous pressure to do the boss'/elders' bidding. Its their twist on the old American style of kissing ass en route to climbing the corporate ladder.

But "Korean culture" is actually changing, believe it or not. If you really pay attention, you will notice the younger Koreans are becoming increasingly more "Westernized" in certain aspects of their beliefs and behavior (whether this is a positive or a negative development, I'll leave for others to debate, I'd vote yea and nay)

Young K females can easily get out of drinking soju at school dinners for e.g., they just drink ginger ale, and many will actively scheme and plot to either get out of such things, or leave as early as possible. Many excuses are used, but usually the acceptable face saving ones are simple like "I feel sick", etc.

as a foreigner, you're given infinitely more leeway. I would argue that you should handle dinner and drinking invitations with "moderation". Ergo, go occassionally to show you're interested, bond a little, contribute to the group harmony, but at the same time make clear in a non confrontational and respectful manner that getting hammered on a regular basis, even more so on a school/weekday night isn't something that interests you. I'd bet most Koreans, even the very traditional ones, would accept this.

central cali, nice post.

interesting thought -- that culture shock really deepens the more involved one gets with Koreans on an everyday basis, even constant socializing outside the workplace.

Makes perfect sense.

And it probably explains why I haven't really immersed myself among them apart from a lack of time. I'm simply not all that interested in accepting their cultural norms, especially in my "free" time away from work obligations, etc where I accept them almost completely.

That'd make me grouchy and give me a serious headache and generally cause me to be a very unhappy person.

[Who's Your Daddy?]

[eamo]

Another vote here for culture not being relative.

The way some things are done in some cultures are just plainly wrong or inferior to how they're done in other cultures.

[PigeonFart]

Secretly between me and you....Your culture is kind of better than her culture! Suuusshhh. Don't tell her that though.

But do tell her that women are more equal in your society (recent stats prove that's true). Tell her there is a culture of debate in your society, so you are encouraged to disagree if someone is wrong. This culture of debate resulted in deomcracy arriving in your country long before hers.

Tell her that individuality & diversity results in more creativity and innovation.

Tell her the reason there is so much pain and suffering in North Korea is because Korean culture makes koreans think like sheep, and koreans are too afraid to tell their superiors to eff off. Kim Jong Il could never exist in your country because free speech and debate are highly valued.

Your girlfriend does sound like a real Korean. Good luck with that. ha ha

[Who's Your Daddy?]

Korean society makes me think of the military. Nobody calls anyone by their name, but rather by their position. They have so many titles, because it's like a military structure. In work, in church too, many titles. It seems built on positional power.

[Seoul'n'Corea]