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fromtheuk
Joined: 31 Mar 2007
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 Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 10:44 am Post subject: My road to introversion... |
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I am 37, male, from England. I work and live abroad. I'm in my 4th year of teaching English to non-native speakers.
I have always been a bit of a quiet person, but up until the age of 18 I was quite extrovert and okay in groups. I say quite extrovert because I always felt I lacked complete self-confidence and so that prevented me from being a total extrovert.
I went to college and I felt out of my depth. I had some very negative experiences with people, which meant I'd withdraw from social interaction more and more. I was not part of the in crowd and so I used to get alot of snide, nasty remarks. This caused me to feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable in the company of others. I felt really low. I used to feel a sense of panic around people, I felt I was losing it.
After a few years of perseverance, I managed to overcome much of my self-consciousness, but I never feel comfortable or happy with people. I only genuinely feel contentment on my own. I have friends around the world that I keep in contact with. However, in real life when I speak I deliberately keep it brief.
It's natural to sometimes want human contact and I find that by using forums such as these. I am an independent person with some integrity.
In my work life, I've experienced some major problems. I am always civil but because I don't play the game, kiss up to people, or join various groups I tend to come across hostility, all of it indirect i.e. through glares, bad mouthing, some ridicule etc.
I just want to be myself, it's sad in my view so many people pretend to be what they are not all of their lives, just to have an easy life.
I always tend to find places at work where I can be alone. In some ways I have become a misanthrope (someone who really dislikes people and society). I care about people, but I meet so many that are nasty.
I don't claim to be perfect, but at least I'm aware of my faults. I am quite well spoken, fairly well-educated and always polite. I find that irritates people.
The good thing is I don't feel needy, if people are unkind to me I just blank them, forever!
I got married a few years ago, we got divorced after a year. That was because we met abroad and my wife used to miss her family. We also just didn't get along.
Reading my story, one could think the problem must be me. If your definition of being a problem is to have self-respect and try not to hurt anybody, then I suppose I am guilty of that.
I find conversation in person, especially at work, to be so repetitive, tedious and a bit fake. I also don't enjoy conversations just for the sake of it. I tend to dislike extrovert people, I find them annoying.
Lastly, as a child my mother was very kind. Therefore, I don't feel the need to be nasty. But I can be, if necessary.
Introverts rule!  |
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Globutron
Joined: 13 Feb 2010
Location: England/Anyang
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| Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 11:16 am Post subject: |
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I I I I Me me me me.
Not needy, huh.
You know I'm an introv like you. Though I never had any extro moments in my life so if anybody said or did bad things to me, it's news to me. I kept out the way of everybody, hood up, head down.
I don't like all the things you don't like, but I like disliking them. I find it exhilarating to be an asshole.
Point being, I don't think you should blame your introvert ways for your problems. People have a bad habit of letting their myers-briggs results define them.
All personal problems can be fixed. Usually by embracing them. I'd say you are already doing that but i'm not entirely convinced.
Anyway, I'm off to Hong Kong alone now for new year. Because I'm a REAL introvert and that's the kind of thing REAL introverts do. |
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Kuros
Joined: 27 Apr 2004
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| Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 11:24 am Post subject: |
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| The dilemma for narcissists like the OP: he would like everybody to care about him, but his disposition and behavior makes it impossible. |
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Louis VI
Joined: 05 Jul 2010
Location: In my Kingdom
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| Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:15 pm Post subject: Re: My road to introversion... |
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| fromtheuk wrote: |
| I was not part of the in crowd and so I used to get alot of snide, nasty remarks. |
I was not part of the in-crowd but people treated me quite well usually.
| fromtheuk wrote: |
| I am always civil but because I don't play the game, kiss up to people, or join various groups I tend to come across hostility, all of it indirect i.e. through glares, bad mouthing, some ridicule etc. |
I definitely march to the beat of my own drum and avoid groups but don't come across hostility at all, at least not since grade school antics of a few.
| fromtheuk wrote: |
| I don't claim to be perfect, but at least I'm aware of my faults. |
Are you? You say you're civil and have integrity and imply that others don't. You act better and are better than others. It's their fault you aren't comfortable around people.
| fromtheuk wrote: |
| I am quite well spoken, fairly well-educated and always polite. I find that irritates people. |
I am quite eloquent, educated and polite to a fault and I don't at all find that irritates people. Why would it? Are you suggesting others are jealous of you??
| fromtheuk wrote: |
| The good thing is I don't feel needy, if people are unkind to me I just blank them, forever! |
That's a good thing? It's like you are denying that you care about how others treat you yet this entire thread is about the opposite!
| fromtheuk wrote: |
| Reading my story, one could think the problem must be me. If your definition of being a problem is to have self-respect and try not to hurt anybody, then I suppose I am guilty of that. |
You are guilty of having self respect? It is your virtue that is the source of your interpersonal problems?
| fromtheuk wrote: |
| find conversation in person, especially at work, to be so repetitive, tedious and a bit fake. |
I do too and chalk it up to the nature of the beast. Most relationships, from the corner grocer to coworkers, are superficial. That doesn't mean they are superficial no more than it means I am superficial. It just means we don't go around always being deep and open and totally honest with everyone. We have a few serious, deep relationships, some good relationships and a bunch of civil, polite, enjoyably limited relationships.
Maybe your problem has to do with childhood relationships. I have always had (in decreasing order of importance) a close relationship with my dad, a decent relationship with my sister, a best friend, and one or two other friends. Based on my relationship history, I expect degrees of relationship seriousness and intimacy. You seem to have a high standard that nobody meets, even yourself, and you blame others for it, maybe even denying that true intimacy and friendship exists? Dunno. I find much of what you say puzzling.
| fromtheuk wrote: |
| I also don't enjoy conversations just for the sake of it. |
I agree sometimes. Yet I find humour to be one of the true joys of interaction with others. Not so much the telling of jokes as the sharing of funny experiences. Having high expectations of oneself and of life is a recipe ripe for laughter! Like strutting across a room and then suddenly tripping and falling. THAT is funny because of the strutting!
| fromtheuk wrote: |
| I tend to dislike extrovert people, I find them annoying. |
I find chatterboxes to be annoying too. But they are the exception. Most people are actually quite cautious actually until you build up trust and rapport. Nobody likes to get their feelings hurt and so it takes time to open up to others, beyond meaningless chitchat.
Us introverts need our down time. An introvert is not defined by one's lack of social interaction as much as by the source of one's energy: after a day talking with others does one need to spend an hour or more by oneself or does one wish to head out and seek more company to hang out with. That is the litmus test for introversion/extroversion. I am an introvert and enjoy talking with others, but do find it draining after a while, even when fun. I need my me time. Some people don't.
| fromtheuk wrote: |
| Lastly, as a child my mother was very kind. Therefore, I don't feel the need to be nasty. But I can be, if necessary. |
Do you compare your other relationships to how yours was with your mother? Do you expect to be treated as she treated you? Maybe you were coddled and your ego sheltered to the point where you couldn't handle anything but the soft gloves approach of your parent.
Last edited by Louis VI on Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:37 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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Louis VI
Joined: 05 Jul 2010
Location: In my Kingdom
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| Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Kuros wrote: |
| The dilemma for narcissists like the OP: he would like everybody to care about him, but his disposition and behavior makes it impossible. |
You might have hit the nail on the head, but framing the issue this way isn't helpful.
By definition, a narcissist exhibits:
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A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
requires excessive admiration
has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes |
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder |
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AsiaESLbound
Joined: 07 Jan 2010
Location: Truck Stop Missouri
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| Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 3:25 pm Post subject: |
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| Introverted and antisocial is how they come in these parts. I chalk it up to environment influencing people how to act and live among other people. The only reason you are going to hang out and chat with another expat is because you happen to be sitting on a public bus next to each other or just crossing paths by accident. I can't count how many snapshot friendships I've had here, but I can count in 0 seconds flat how many friends I have in Korea after 10 months. They never call nor want you to call back, because they fail to identify with others. Not once did my phone come in handy for keeping in touch with other teachers, but it's only 13k won a month since I don't use for anything more than an alarm clock. Serious. There isn't a social life here yet I'm social enough to say hi to anyone in my eyesight. |
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Harpeau
Joined: 01 Feb 2003
Location: Coquitlam, BC
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| Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:27 pm Post subject: |
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| As Louis VI already mentioned, Introversion is about where you get your energy~ not about your being shy and withdrawn. You may want to take some time to reflect on whether or not your own expectations of other people are fair or not. People are not perfect. We all need to exercise a certain amount of elasticity when it comes to friendships, etc. Trust needs to be built slowly. Let the rope out slowly and take time to develop trust. Take each person as an individual. Find people that you share things in common with. Best of luck to you. |
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Poker
Joined: 16 Jan 2010
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| Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Harpeau wrote: |
| As Louis VI already mentioned, Introversion is about where you get your energy~ not about your being shy and withdrawn. |
This. I am an introvert. I am extremely comfortable being by myself. I like my alone time. I need my alone time. But that doesn't mean I am anti-social, shy, withdrawn etc. In fact, people think I am an extrovert when they first meet me. I get along well with people at all social gatherings and people always invite me to their events. So let's not paint a bad picture for introverts. I think most posters here are confused between people that are introverts and people that are just losers.
Last edited by Poker on Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:56 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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derbot
Joined: 04 May 2010
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| Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't get it. What's the issue? Did you just describe yourself? Was that it? |
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machoman
Joined: 11 Jul 2007
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| Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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| fromtheuk wrote: |
I was not part of the in crowd and so I used to get alot of snide, nasty remarks. This caused me to feel extremely self-conscious and uncomfortable in the company of others. I felt really low. I used to feel a sense of panic around people, I felt I was losing it. |
this is strange. i was never part of the "in" crowd either but never got snide remarks. you must've done something to provoke that kind of behavior. why would any crowd, including the "in" crowd care about you?
| Quote: |
| After a few years of perseverance, I managed to overcome much of my self-consciousness, but I never feel comfortable or happy with people. |
how did you overcome your self consciousness? what kind of epiphany did you have? what did you do?
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In my work life, I've experienced some major problems. I am always civil but because I don't play the game, kiss up to people, or join various groups I tend to come across hostility, all of it indirect i.e. through glares, bad mouthing, some ridicule etc. |
what's the game? i smile to my principal, make conversations with my co-teachers. i guess this is the game, but it takes very little effort to do these things but it gets a big reward. i don't kiss up to anyone, i don't need to. i do my work, and i do it competently. i don't burden co workers and i have a good relationship with the students.
if people are being hostile to you, again, it must be something you're doing. you've said this in the past in other threads too. as an introvert, you need to do some introspection.
any problem that you have, you should blame yourself first. if you put the blame on others, you GIVE THEM the control to fix the problem~ which means the problem won't be fixed. but if YOU own up to the problem, YOU have the power to fix the problem. it seems like you don't like to own up for your shortcomings. maybe it's an ego thing for you, in that you think nothing is wrong with you.
| Quote: |
| I just want to be myself, it's sad in my view so many people pretend to be what they are not all of their lives, just to have an easy life. |
what is "yourself?" you're living a self fulfilling prophecy by being a misanthrope. you expect little of others, so that's what you see. it's a dark way of living.
| Quote: |
| I don't claim to be perfect, but at least I'm aware of my faults. I am quite well spoken, fairly well-educated and always polite. I find that irritates people. |
i am quite well spoken, fairly well educated and always polite and i certainly don't irritate people. and i know many other people who fit that description who also don't irritate people.
but of course, we're only seeing your side of the story, so it's hard to say where the problem lies. but i really do think you need to focus the attention more on yourself, rather than blaming other people.
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The good thing is I don't feel needy, if people are unkind to me I just blank them, forever! |
not believing in second chances and not forgiving people.... that's heavy. life sucks if you can't do that. are you flawless? you've made mistakes, you've hurt people in the past, should they shun you forever? maybe this is why you've become the introverted misanthrope you've become, because you're ego is too big to let things go.
| Quote: |
I find conversation in person, especially at work, to be so repetitive, tedious and a bit fake. I also don't enjoy conversations just for the sake of it. I tend to dislike extrovert people, I find them annoying. |
i used to bartend, so i know how tedious a lot of conversations are, but that's also partially your fault. i avoid these kinds of conversations, so i'll ask an off-beat question. i'll ask people about their insight on something. i HATE small talk, and sometimes with certain people, that's all they're capable of, but if you open up to people, they will open to you as well.
so, my advice to you, stop blaming others, and instead, blame yourself and take control of it. open up to people, it seems like you don't like to show people your vulnerable side. you also seem to be full of false pride, too egotistical. keep your ego in check. sometimes a person's worst enemy is their ego. |
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chellovek
Joined: 29 Feb 2008
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| Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Is this part of the pricklish sensibilities that some Mussulmen have? |
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eb
Joined: 24 Nov 2010
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| Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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Dude,just go get a good lay and all your worries will soon be LONG gone.
Then you won't giving a flying f** what the hell you are.
Geez, I need to take my own advice for once.  |
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Koveras
Joined: 09 Oct 2008
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| Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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| What is it with 'introverts' on this site always talking about themselves? Are they really introverts, or just losers? |
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Died By Bear
Joined: 13 Jul 2010
Location: On the big lake they call Gitche Gumee
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| Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:36 pm Post subject: Re: My road to introversion... |
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| fromtheuk wrote: |
| I am 37, male, from England. |
It's not too late to join the army!  |
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tomato
Joined: 31 Jan 2003
Location: I get so little foreign language experience, I must be in Koreatown, Los Angeles.
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| Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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Some people are naturally introverted, and there are DNA tests to prove it.
(Do a search on the "Asperger syndrome. Betcha a lot of what you find will seem familiar.)
The extroverts say that the extroverted personality is healthier because they're in the majority and they get by with saying that.
They talk about all the fun that we're missing out on.
We can just as easily tell them about all the fascinating book-learning which they are missing out on.
They talk about how easy it is for them to be extroverts and ask why it isn't just as easy for us to be extroverts.
That's like asking a person why can't you be tall or short or why can't you be male or female.
The Black people fought back and they made gains.
The women fought back and they made gains.
It is time for introverts to do the same.
The battle may as well start here.
Kuros, Machoman, Eb, where do YOU get the idea that you're so much better than FromtheUK? |
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