Korean Job Discussion Forums

[phill458]

Any good critiscm is appreciated. Thank you!


Born to race: From professional racing to Kim Jong-Il

On a muggy Saturday night in August the roar of the crowd was drowned out by the deafening scream of 800 horsepower machines hurling around the red clay track at blistering speed. My sweaty palms gripped the steering wheel for dear life. Cheating death at every turn, seemingly defying the laws of physics, my life�s goal had come to fruition. I was actually being paid to do what I loved, drive sprint cars. The previous week I had signed my first contract with an agent and had secured a year�s worth of funding from various sponsors. Aged 18, I was truly on my way. Until a fateful motorcycle accident would alter my life unimaginably.
As I awoke from sedation I found my family gathered by my bedside. My courageous mother, who had fearlessly raised my sister and me on her own, for once appeared worried and vulnerable as tears streamed down her cheeks. The doctors entered not long after, at which time they solemnly informed us of the prognosis. My spine was fractured in 4 different places. I would never be able to race again. The ability to walk was just wild speculation at that point.
I wasn�t going to allow one set back to define my life, not after the struggles I had witnessed my mother endure for us kids time and time again. I resolved then and there to put myself through university, a tall order considering I would be the first person in my family to undertake such a thing. I approached my studies with the same vim and vigor that I had for racing and by the time I graduated, I was ranked first in the Business School. Through unfettered determination and hard work, not only was I able to walk again, but also won an intramural soccer championship.
After graduation I embarked on a two year sojourn to South Korea, one of the �Asian Tigers� where many years before my grandfather had spent his youth fighting. Throughout my stay I was able to realize unparalleled personal growth and became a catalyst for meaningful lasting change, something I never would have realized in my previous myopic, self-centered quest for success.
One such fantastic opportunity to have an impact on the lives of others was being allowed the privilege and honor to work with North Korean defectors and teach them English. The thrill and exhilaration once derived from the speed of racing, I now drew from each learning moment we shared together. I became both teacher and student, in the process absorbing their language seemingly through osmosis while being transfixed with their stories of unbelievable brutality and harrowing at escapes. Confucianism, with its principles of harmony and conformity as I was taught, allowed for the infringements on people�s liberties in ways Americans would never stomach. This apparent lack of understanding of basic cultural differences by those in positions of authority today has caused a divide between these two nations that will drag both closer to war. This unique insight I have gained will one day be applied effectively in my future endeavors.
Finally, being able to take part in the G-20 summit was another experience that caused a great change on my life. As an English adviser, I was able to work on and contribute too many presentations and speeches given to foreign dignitaries by executives from some of Korea�s largest corporations. I was for a brief time the Frank Luntz of Seoul, concocting just the right English phrases and buzzwords that exploited the emotional content of language in order to sell Samsung LCD�s or persuade others to allow environmental restrictions to be relaxed.
As my time in Asia now draws to a close I am interested in serving in the State Department specializing in human rights issues throughout Southeast Asia. My diverse work experience provides a sound base with which to tackle the issues faced by a member of the Foreign Service. The scintillating challenges that lie at the frontier of reconciling notions of eastern collectivism with the concepts of western individualism in this age of globalism and trade agreements appeal to me. In my relentless pursuit of personal growth I�ve chosen a field that will utilize a confluence of my language abilities, multiculturalism, and writing skills. My background, thriving under both western and Confucian principles will bring a unique perspective to the classroom and will make me a desired asset upon graduation. By seeking a degree in law, I intend to enter a profession that aligns with the interests and aptitudes I have discovered and developed through my real world experiences. It is only through deep personal reflection that I have determined that law is the natural extension of my training, personality, and talents.

[schwa]

Perfect. Dont change a thing.

[UknowsI]

The essay looks pretty good to me. However:

I have no idea how these school essays work, so please take my comments with a grain of salt. Maybe you should bring in why you would like to study law? You only mention law in a short sentence in the end, and it's almost connected to your international experience at the G-20 summit, but I think you should make the point more clear, for example by saying that you realised the importance of international law by watching the debates or you could mention how the values of Confucianism is reflected in Korean laws.

Being European, I'm pretty sure this is a cultural difference, but I would consider "The thrill and exhilaration once derived from the speed of racing, I now drew from each learning moment we shared together. " a flat out lie. But from my understanding those kind of comments are more common in American essays.

EDIT: Removed some Konglish from my post

[lawyertood]

Have you sold the movie rights?

[okelleyas]

[okelleyas]

Good essay, though. Good luck!!

[phill458]

Thank you for the reception and the critism. I have altered it a bit since. I'm sorry I have not sold the movie rights haha and It's true I do not really realize thrill from most learning moments....just wanted it to look like a i cared a scosh.

Please continue to point out anything that doesn't flow or sound right!!!!

[Panda]

First of all, English is not my first language.

To me it's an impressive article, I like the part you mentioned the culture differences and your experience in the G-20.

Why not add something about the latest news on YeonPyeong island, and also quote one or two sentences from writers you like or experts from the area you are going to work in.

Which could make your article more updated and your points more persuasive.

[northway]

[Fox]

[Underwaterbob]

The first paragraph is riddled with cliche. While not necessarily a bad thing, it did prevent me from getting to the second paragraph. My advice is to get a thesaurus, then try replacing maybe two of every three adjectives with something you wouldn't normally use. I bet the result is more interesting.