Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Jeunesse]

Last Wednesday, one of my kindergarten students (I work at a kindy hagwon, and I love it!) handed me an invitation in a formal card. It was in her handwriting, but clearly coached by one of her parents, and written in language a little above her level. She invited me to dinner yesterday.

I checked with my boss on Friday that it was OK to go. She said "Oh, maybe it's not a serious invitation, but you should check" but on Sunday I called the number and my student's mom invited me over once again.

I spent an hour or two with the student, who is one of the brightest in my class, and was hosted by her mother. It was a pleasant, if a bit awkward, experience, and I stayed for dinner and left shortly after.

Fast forward to today (Monday.) The student isn't in class.

Me to my boss: "Oh, where is she today?"

"Oh, her mother is so worried... she feels so bad... because some of the other mothers found out and now they are asking how they can have you over. So she is thinking some of the other moms will have envy. So she told her daughter to not say that you came over yesterday. So it's a secret."

I explained that I am more than happy to accept the dinner invitation of any parent who would like me to visit their kid on the weekend and I certainly don't mean to "play favorites" - they just happened to invite me. It seemed like it would be rude otherwise, no? But my boss said no. To avoid jealousy, I should just always decline any invitation from a parent and student.

The student showed up in the afternoon, clearly stressed out and crying. Near the end of the day, she seemed less stressed out and whispered (Uri bimil!) (Our secret), so I think she is OK. But still, how sad that this kindergarten kid basically has to learn to associate going out on a limb and opening up your home to shame?

I'm confused. Was I not supposed to accept the invitation? Is it just some unwritten social rule here that if someone gives you a hand-written invitation for dinner, not to show up if you are a foreigner? My boss told me specifically that I didn't do anything wrong, but did I really and this is all a face-saving lie?

Can someone explain to me what happened here? This is my 2nd year in Korea, and overall I love and respect the cultural differences that make life here interesting. But I feel really over-my-head in this situation and am not sure if I should have known better or handled things differently.

Also, I'm now wondering if my boss said I should never go over because she thinks I will somehow start teaching privates? (I don't.) I just thought it was a kind way to get to know the students better - and this was at one student's and her mom's instigation, not mine.

[Jeunesse]

I just want to add in case I sound like a weirdo, I'd never, ever visit a student's home as inviting myself! This invitation of my student's just came out of the blue, I was flattered, so said yes. But still not sure what happened there.

[yellowdove]

You didn't do anything wrong. You were invited, you accepted the invitation, and all is good. It's all in the Korean mind that anything might go wrong.

My husband and I were invited to a student's home by the mother last year, and we accepted the invitation. We learned, however, when we got there that the student would not be there, nor was she told that we would be there. (We got the invitation through our Korean coteacher.) This was to prevent the anxiety and envy. We didn't think about that at the time. A few weeks later, we were invited back, but this time the mother had the entire class (of 4) over to her house, along with the mothers, and we had a kimbap/tteok boki party. It was very nice and there was no envy because everyone was involved.

Maybe you could suggest a class party to the director, who could in turn suggest that to the worried mother and student? I'm not sure how big your classes are. But I think that would aleviate some of the pressure of having to keep such a big secret, and might make the child more comfortable. Offer to bring some cake or some other treat like ice cream.

[sojusucks]

The other parents think you gave an English lesson about eating a meal. Parents can be so competitive in Korea.

[Savant]

[Jeunesse]

I guess I didn't think about the anxiety/envy angle. From my perspective, I'm more than happy to visit any of the kids and their parents if they were to invite me. But my boss kept saying stuff about the envy thing so I guess that really is it.

The party idea is a good one, I think that might be something to think about in a few months time (maybe before our summer break.) I'll bring it up with my boss tomorrow.

[Jeunesse]

[Savant]

[Jeunesse]

[thegadfly]

OP,

It sounds like you handled the situation correctly -- that is, you checked with your boss to make sure there was no problem. The way things played out is not YOUR fault, and while they might have been predicted, they could also have played out in a completely different fashion.

Over the years, I have been invited to lunches, dinners, and a number of outings by parents of students. Initially, I turned all invitations down, as I would have in the US. However, a number of times my bosses had asked me why I had turned down such invitations...which led to the discussion of things that are more accepted in different societies...so eventually, at one boss's behest, I accepted a dinner invitation.

Since the first one (years ago), I have accepted about a couple dozen such invitations (and yes, I have always checked with my boss beforehand). I have never had the kind of fallout you have had. I have had some uncomfortable meals, but I have also had some interesting experiences.

This negative reaction is unusual, in my own experience. I have never even known anyone else to have that particular problem...so I would repeat that this situation is not your fault, and while it might have been predicted, I would not have done so. I would have said it would be fine....

[computermichael]

It's not your fault if other people are being petty and stupid about something nice that you did. You shouldn't worry about what some shrewish housewives think because this is what they do: make other peoples' lives more complicated for their own amusement. Between the micromanagement of their children's education and cutting in line at Emart, they've chosen to gripe about you not doing something that you were never asked to do. Soon they'll get bored of it and make their kids take violin lessons instead.

[ESL Milk "Everyday]

If there's one thing that Koreans love, it's free English lessons.

Just keep in mind that you're being used and you won't feel the urge to accept any more invitations.

[sojusucks]

OP, when dealing with parents like that, you are in a no-win situation. Your boss knows it, too, but will usually shift the blame for everything to you. Ah, hagwon life.

[conrad2]

Op,
How can you be so careless and selfish? By going to the dinner you interacted with your student in English for an hour. This one hour of extra interaction will give that student an unfair advantage. You seriously jeopardized the futures of all the other students in the class and those parents are worried that their kids will grow up less successful in life than the student you met.

Know this: Korean mothers are completely nuts when it comes to things regarding the education of their kids.

[Menino80]