Korean Job Discussion Forums

[harryh]

I'm curious to know what other guys experiences are in Korea with regards to family expectations and working. It 's not really a moan as such but would like to understand the korean mindset a little. I guess everybody has trouble understanding people from other countries from time to time.

I've been married just over four years and one thing keep recurring, that my wife continually wants me to commounicate with her family, visit them regularly (they live in another part of the country). I guess that is fair enough, quite normal in fact.

But, arguably I have two problems (starting to feel like problems, I feel tired) I have worked in various part time jobs, as much as 58 hours a week, and travelling around the city between jobs, for those four years. The longest break has been chuseok and the like, just national holidays. I haven't had more than one day off on normal working days. At the weekend I'm often planning classes next week.

Why do I do it? Well, I want property, we want to start a family and so money is kind of important. My wife though has quit in excess of ten jobs since marriage and recently quit a F-T job for a P-T and didn't discuss it beforehand.

Secondly, for the first three and a bit years of marriage I made an effort in visiting her parents, gave them money, ackknowledged birthdays and national holidays, but I've never seen any effort from my wife regarding my family back home. I've previously discussed it and she said sorry, but things haven't changed. Christmas', fathers' days, mothers' days and birthdays come and go, my sister had a baby three months ago, but all the while, my wife never asks how they are doing, but talks about her family and what they are doing daily. Am I right in feeling a bit perplexed or is this normal for a Korean to behave towards a foreigner? I suspect not, as my mother-in-law asks more about my family than my wife.

Just this morning, my wife relayed a message from her mother, and for a change I didn't bother acknowledging it this time, and she went into a sulk. The thing is, it seems as though it happens to me often.

I'm just curious to find out if other married persons have had similar experiences or am I off base? Everything else in the marriage feels great but the work ethic and family issues add to my tiredness. I know I need a holiday anyway!

[Fox]

My wife hasn't shown a particularly high level of interest in my family, but she also hasn't made any real demands for me to spend time with hers, and even agrees to pass on Korean holidays with the family if I don't feel like we need to go. It's pretty easy going.

[Dazed and Confused]

Have you got any room in that boat?

[blm]

Doesn't seem a cultural issue as I haven't experienced what you have gone through (though in some regards Koreans seem less mature when it comes to $) it Just seems she's a bit selfish.

I am not saying she is a bad person because I don't know her and nobody is perfect. Would she be accepting of you cutting back your hours?

Edit
Maybe she's not as concerned about owning a property as you are since rent is quite cheap and it might not be as important as it is to westerners. So I was wrong and it might be cultural.

[harryh]

Thanks for the views.

To add, my wife would like property whether be it owned or jonsae, we both agree that the rent we're paying takes a big chunk out of our income.

[giraffe]

I've been married for 2 years.

To me , It doesnt sound like a cultural problem. More like a personal issue your wife has. This kind of issue could happen to anyone... Sounds like it could escalate to bigger problems if its not talked about or solved.... Just seems like you guys are having communication problems thus her not consulting you about important decisions.

Reason i think it's not a cultural issue is because my wife is the exact opposite to your wife in some regards. Especially when it comes to caring about my own family. My wife is always the first one to buy my parents presents, shes always the one who wants to write letters to them and what not.... I'm actually more like your wife =p. I'm not one to write letters, give presents and just overall communicate ALOT with family ( including my own)... Its just the way I've always been. Now, I'm not anti social, I love spending time with my inlaws but I also enjoy my own time and my time with my wife ...

Was your wife always like this and you never noticed? or did she change after you got married 4 years ago?

[harryh]

Hi giraffe,

Before marriage, neither of us knew our in-laws very well so it would have been difficult to know or judge. My wife only met my parents three or four times, and likewise I didn't see her parents too often.

I'm thinking it's just a part of her personality, overwhelmingly loyal towards her parents and is perhaps blinkered towards others. Maybe it's just a part of adjusting to marriage, and not recognizing other responsibilities or respecting another person's wishes. We're all guilty in some respect I'm sure. I admit I'm far from perfect, I know my Korean speaking skills should be better than they are for example, and a weekend at my in-laws can seem like a fortnight. After a hard week of work that can be tiring in itself.

It's interesting to think about upbringings and experiences in general, and how they may have formed the person. My wife lived at home till 29, and her mother did absolutely everything for her, and she could have everything she wanted (education paid for, Canadian study paid for etc), so a touch spolit and selfish (as has previously suggested, but not her fault as she wasn't put into a position to do things for herself or do for others, maybe a few middle class/high working class types in Korea are similar?). I left home at 18, travelled around the world, paid for my own university education (took years to pay off my debts), always had to pay rent whilst living wherever.

I guess that we see some things in a different light.

Mind you, we are like best friends in addition to being lovers, we enjoy similar outdoor pursuits, like the idea of living abroad eventually, family, laugh and joke often etc, there are a lot of good things going on. No marriage is lovey dovey everyday for 50 years (rare if there are eh?)

[UknowsI]