Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Swampfox10mm]

Just spent a few weeks back home and brought my family along.

More and more, I really desire to move home. Seeing my daughter having so much fun running in the grass, breathing CLEAN air, playing in the sandbox with her cousins at my brother's house, and with the grandparents really makes me feel like she's missing something special. She was crazy about the foods, too (far more abundant healthy foods available there, and far cheaper, as well). Not to mention, coming back here and feeling housebound due to the rain, etc., has taken its toll.

Not sure if there are any lurkers here who made it home successfully, but would like some advice on planning an exit. What sort of expenses did you run into? How about Americans, like me? I understand that if your wife doesn't have a visa, there is a process for that. Also, I may have to live alone and work for a while at a job in the USA to prove I have income enough to support them when I bring them there?

My wife keeps using the excuse that "you don't have a plan" when she really is saying she doesn't want to leave. So I want to create a proper "plan" to put in front of her face so she has no more excuses.

After a decade here, I'm ready to get out. Might take a year or two, but I'd really like to go. My family is constantly recommending jobs for me back home -- at least to try for -- including at my former university, where my brother's wife worked for a few years.

[Captain Corea]

My first bit of general advice would be - get you and your wife on the same page. Whether it's staying here in korea, or moving 'back home', you two really need to be in sync with your goals.

Without that, every other detail doesn't matter.

[Swampfox10mm]

Never gonna happen unless I can provide a "plan."

We're at the point where if I can make a plan that works, and she makes more excuses, I'll be looking at separating. Not sure that means divorce, but I'll be looking into whatever options there are.

She'll chew on me for having to work (that's my fault), yet has complained that I am holding her back from her career. Truth is, she feels "poor" unless we own our house and have a certain income. And I am reminded of that and how it's my fault, both by her and her family in the past.... it's my fault she has to keep working, etc..

I've got it in my mind that she may not have to work because we'll have enough cash to buy our home outright in the USA (depending where we live) within 2 years.

[Captain Corea]

Honestly, man... hate to try to play the arm chair psychologist here... but I'm thinking moving will not solve your issues. It may solve some of your issues... but your post hints at more in the background.

This is an internet forum, so there's no way to have this discussion 'naturally', but man, IMO you both have to wan the move. If you have a plan... and convince her... I'm worried that you'll get over there and it'll be hell for her (and thus you).


*sorry if this is derailing your thread. I'll try to post more on point stuff.


My advice:
-Float your resume back home and see if you get any bites.
-Track the housing market in the area you want to move to.
-SHOW her pictures of the houses you could live in.
-Discuss and plot out your financial plan.
-Consider how her skills will function in the new environment.

As to the US visa stuff, hopefully someone else will chime in on that.

[Swampfox10mm]

As for our lives now, she only stays home or sleeps on weekends. Never goes out unless pushed To the verge of a fight. The only time I see her in anything but old pajamas is when she is coming or going to going to work. We rarely go out as a family and that is crazy. There is no time on weekdays due to work. What kind of life is this??

In the USA, most people are off of work around 5:30pm in my hometown. Depends on the job, of course, but they don't slave their lives away like Koreans. I hope to get our entire family out of this rat-race, just like thousands of Koreans do (or dream of doing). There's more to life than just money. I have a feeling my wife would be much better if she had more time to herself.

[Yaya]

Sounds to me that you have to go home to your problem every night. Poor you.

[DaHu]

[DaeguKid]

Easy now folks...The guy wants to get his wife and kid out of here to get out of the funk that they are in. OP, I am leaning on this as well. I like Korea, but I think there is more "living" going on at home.

My wife is happy and is comfortable here. Language, friends, family, food...It has been discussed going back to the mother land, but she is not 100% receptive to it. In fact, I would put it at about 40%. She too is all about the "plan". But with all that said, I will take the Captain's advice and use that. Very sound advice may I add. OP the thing that a wife wants first security, and with that it is that their husband has employment. Get on that and it would be a start!

Good luck
DK

[Yaya]

I've heard of Korean women who married foreign men thinking they'd move to the West (and when they didn't, things got very ugly) and others who married foreign men who insisted on staying in Korea. Go figure.

I think the OP's problem is more than persuading his wife to move to the U.S. He says he often has to argue with her to go out and stuff and that she blames him for many things that are not his fault. I think the problem isn't just moving back home for him.

[Captain Corea]

To me, it sounds like the OP is unhappy with his home life and general lifestyle in Korea. And I get that.

A few months back I was complaining to the wife about the hour and a half commute I had (each way), and she thought it wasn't that bad. I was comparing it to people I know back home who get home in time for dinner, she was comparing it to her cousins who only see their kids on the weekends.

For me it was bad, for her we're doing better than others.

That's why it was important for me to try to get us on the same page.

I'm not sure if we're always there, but at least I'm feeling like we're in the same chapter. lol

[Captain Corea]

Specific to thoughts on the OP, I have a odd suggestion - listen to your spouse. No, I mean really listen. What is she saying when she asks for a plan. Does she want a plan? Does she want a delay? And excuse? Or is she worried about security?

Really, man, try to get to the root of her hesitancy.

[Modernist]

There is not enough water in the Pacific to keep me in this hemisphere. I came over here for a very specific reason and once I have accomplished it -- hit my number -- I am OUT of here.

When I consider the prospect of raising a kid in this society it basically makes me ill. I can't imagine subjecting an innocent child to the kind of so-called life I see my students endure. I would NEVER make a kid grow up in Asia. Let them have a mind of their own, let them have a few minutes of free time during the day, let them have a hobby that doesn't involve staring vacantly at an MMORPG for 10 hours on Sundays. No hagwons, no endless cramming for meaningless tests, some concept of diversity. Etc, etc.

OP, if you want out of here but have been here 10 years and have a Korean wife, it's going to be tough I think. I would almost guarantee you that she does NOT want to leave, she's looking for excuses to avoid it and you're giving them to her.

Key things are: 1) Figure out what you're going to do for work back in the US. Do you have a realistic ability to get hired and will you be able to survive on your earnings?
2) Make a schedule. Find a date that strikes you as doable, and make decisions relating to it. Whether that means getting rid of stuff like cars or furniture, not renewing a lease, telling your employer here that you're leaving, whatever. Find something irrevocable and do it. Then you've got wind at your back.
3) If your wife is scared of being isolated from Korean things/people, find a city in the US with a decent-sized Korean population, so she won't be too far away. I know NYC, Chicago, LA and San Diego all have big Korean communities, and I'm sure there are plenty of others. DON'T move to a tiny or extremely homogeneous place [Iowa, the Dakotas, the Mid-South] just 'cause of cheap housing. Your wife will be miserable and this will not help you or your kid.

[Swampfox10mm]

Thanks for the input. She's not a bad person. She just gets overworked and wants to rest the weekend to catch up on her sleep. Part of me understands that, I guess, but it leaves me wondering what kind of life anyone can have in this country unless they are just plain lucky and are either born into money or marry into it. Work, work, work -- there is SO MUCH more to life than that.

If I can secure even an average job back home in the USA, we'll already have enough money saved up to buy a house and won't have to worry about that expense. I think we'll be fine, she wouldn't have to work, or could do what she wanted to part-time if she desired.

It was just no comparison being home as far as costs were concerned. We were at the local grocery stores, and just marveled at the far cheaper prices for higher quality goods than you pay gobs more for here. And the meat. Ugh... I can't tell you how sick I've grown of the low grade, filler-filled meat products they pass off at nutty prices in this country. I think I've bit off one too many chunks of fat they call sangyupsal to stand it anymore.

Sorry to rant. I've just spent my course here, and will probably have to make due for at minimum 2 more years. I'll make it -- just dreaming. I think my wife can be won over, but it will take a solid plan showing financial figures, etc.

[Captain Corea]

Targets often help to alleviate that feeling. If you're both set on a date, and you're working towards it, I think it could be a good thing to bring ya closer together.

[sirius black]

OP, you really have to get to the root reason as others have said. My guess and I don't know your wife but this is a common reason for a lot of women married to Americans in foreign countries.

My guess is she doesn't want to leae her comfort zone. Her family is here. Her friends are here. Its her culture. Its her language.

She has to leave all that and go to a country where its her 2nd langauge and although she may be fluent, they all seem to have some insecurities about their language skills. She is worried about feeling isolated.

I have known guys married to Asian women and the ones that were the most successful were the ones that had a plan for her social well being as well.

Is there a korean community where you are going? She will want and need some semblence of home. We are no different. We all flock to foreign bars on the weekend for that little taste of home. She will be no different.

Women value security. They want to know there will be a roof over their heads and food on the table. Asian women more than most. She will want the same or better standard of living. She wants to see something (a plan) that will say you won't be living on the street. An over exaggeration yes, but you get the idea.

If you do all that and she stil has issues, then you have a life decision to make.