Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Alyallen]

[MOD note: this thread was split from an off-topic thread and saved in the General Forum because of its relevance to living in Korea.]

Just curious to hear about people's experiences in inter-racial relationships. This is certainly not limited to experiences with Korean men or women.

What did you enjoy about it? What was absolutely horrendous about it? Were there problems that had to be worked out? Were they resolved or doomed the relationship?

I've dated a number of men with European or Asian backgrounds. I enjoyed it for the most part. Things I didn't like were similar for most relationships I think: communication problems (not from language barriers, just disagreements in general) and the comments from people not involved in the relationship (cousins, friends, siblings, etc.). I have to admit that I have been lucky because language differences never became an issue.

The one major difference was with the family. Some absolutely hated me and some absolutely loved me. The hatred was based on my race But it's sometime par for the course.

I have a question for people who haven't had an inter-racial relationship: Why not? (And no I'm not being rude or obnoxious)

AlyAllen

[rapier]

I dated a half Indian/ African for a while, quite a stunner.. She wanted to marry me, I think for my white skin somehow...I ended it...

Inter racial relationships to me are less of a potential problem than inter-cultural.
Cultural barriers are formidable: the miscommunications and misunderstandings can be great, and tortuous to navigate. Especially when you're dealing with the typically stubborn, unprepared/ unable to compromise or understand a different culture Koreans.

But "Love conquers all", so I'm told.

[ryleeys]

Never dated inter-racially until college... although I did take a Japanese girl to my senior homecoming.

My freshman year of college, I dated an Iraqi-Jewish girl (inter-racial and inter-cultural)
My sophomore year I dated a Bangladeshi, a Japanese, and a Filipina
My junior year I was still with the Filipina, then dated a Korean
My senior year I dated a Guatamalan and a Korean
In Korea, I've dated a Korean and a Chinese

The Iraqi girl it was apparently a really big issue with, not because of the race thing, but because I wasn't Jewish. That pretty much sucked.

The Japanese girl did a really good job of showing me her culture, as I would go to the Japan Club meetings with her and such. Then one day, she gave me this line: "I thought I could date a non-Asian, but I don't think so now." And she never explained why she felt that way... made me feel really good being an experiment and all.

The Filipina did a good job of privately showing me her culture. And I went out of my way to learn as much as I could on my own too. Especially when I met her parents I learned some of the respectful greetings and things to do. But what was really odd was that she never introduced me to her Filipino friends at school. She was a member of two organizations and yet never once introduced me to her friends... I guess that should have been a sign. The second sign that things wouldn't work was when she cheated on me with a Chinese guy. The interesting thing is that at my university, people didn't much seem to identify so much with their specific country as they did with their race as a whole.

The Guatamalan I had no problems with at all in the cultural area. I spoke Spanish with her most of the time and her parents absolutely loved me (they didn't speak any English at all, and I was the first guy she'd ever dated to speak Spanish). I also dance fairly well, which for the Latin scene in DC is pretty important...

The Korean girl I dated in America, it wasn't an issue at all. She was white in a Korean body.

The Korean girl in Korea, well, we had our issues and I think it was some of her cultural aspects that threw me for a loop (wanting to get married after a few weeks Hey, I'm all for marriage one day, but there are a few steps between meeting and marriage that are important). In fairness, I don't think all Korean girls are like this.

The Chinese girl hates being around foreigners. She never wanted to know any foreigner other than me. I don't know what was so different about me. I only speak minimal Chinese and my knowledge of Chinese history and culture only came up a few times, though I guess she knew it was there. Actually, she has invited me to China to see her. That and some other things she has said kinda give me the impression that she wants to introduce me to her parents as a friend first and see if they would approve of her getting into a serious relationship with me before she really steps out on a ledge with her feelings. Honestly, I don't have a problem with that. I would feel guilty if a girl had to chose between me and her family (and I would always rather her chose family... family's damn important).

So yeah, that's my experience with interracial and intercultural dating.

[kiwiboy_nz_99]

I feel the differences between men and women in general far outweigh the differences between cultures when it comes to people getting it on.

Anyway, I'm loving life and living large in the ROK, no problems so far ...

[Tiger Beer]

I never had any problems interracial dating.. I�ve been seriously involved in the total spectrum.

White with Asian is pretty much a non-issue. Just doesn�t seem to be any problem whatsoever.. at least never has been for me.

I�m going to guess you *might* be referring to black/white? I was very seriously involved with an Ethiopian African girl who living in New York. She met my parents and I also met her mother. But never had any issue or problem with that ever whatsoever.

But it was interesting from a societal level at times. I was mostly surprised that black guys some times looked down on her for that. One of her African-American friends got really down on her giving her guilt trips and how I couldn�t possibly understand anything about her because of the color of my skin. Then during her phone conversation with him, he told her that he was dating a Korean woman!! Somehow a Korean girl was acceptable dating material.. but anyone born into this world with white skin would never be acceptable (at least according to him).

The strangest thing about her.. is she was from a very conservative Muslim family in Africa.. VERY conservative. She was also a graduate student (more education than me) PLUS she had a GREAT job in New York City making good money and a good career going. She ultimately quit seeing me after six months dating.. and of all things started dating a Mexican-American guy telling me it was because they had similar *cultures* or *backgrounds*. I should also add that her ultimate man of choice hadn�t finished university, had a drug and alcohol problem, and a couple kids from past marriages.

I just found it interesting that she ultimately related his background as similar to her own.. (and I can�t help but think it was probably based on african-american guys like the one mentioned above telling her anyone non-white was of her background) regardless if absolutely everything else was different from her actual background.

[jaebea]

I've always been curious. Why is it that back home, you see (quite often), mixed couples where there is an Asian woman, and a non-Asian man, yet it's so difficult to see it the other way around (Asian man and non-Asian woman, for those who have had too many beers/bottles of soju last night).

I can think of a lot of reasons, but I don't want to pre-empt people into falling into easy conclusions. This is something I've always been meaning to ask, but never really got around to.

Personally speaking, I think it's largely because Asian blokes tend to hang about in groups with other Asian blokes.. pretty imposing/intimidating for any plucky girl who has her eye on one of the lads. That being said, don't the non-Asian guys also hang around in their own non-Asian clique? I'm making a broad generalisation, and I understand it's not indicative of a large proportion of the population of this board, but back home, it isn't the case...

It's late on a monday, and I'm bored. Help me. :)

jae.

[Tiger Beer]

[Butterfly]

I haven't had anything but inter-racial / national relationships ~ life of a TEFL teacher I guess. I don't know how I'd get on with an English woman, wouldn't know what to do

[Tiger Beer]

[Homer]

Been married over 5 years with a wonderful Korean woman.

We had our cultural difference moments but this was never a major problem.
I find it is like any other relationship, it has its own challenges and benefits.

My wife's family accepted me like one of their own (was lucky there I suppose).
Parts of my family were lets say reluctant to accept her as one of theirs but a good eye-to-eye talk solved that problem.

My dad's original reaction to me announcing getting married to my Korean wife: "You can't do that, you'll have yellow babies"...making my dad living proof that education and intelligence do not exclude racism (my dad holds a PHD in History and has travelled the world 3 times over, speaks 7 languages...you would think that.. ).

The rest of my family accepted her with no problems.

The rest is a like any marriage, ups & downs.

[Buff]

I've been dating a Korean guy for about 8 months and at first there were some rough spots. All relationships have the "feeling each other out" phase, and with the intercultural factors it took a little bit more work --his perception of me as a little too independent, me hating how he spits or clears his throat in that loogie-hocking way that Korean males do so well at any time and in any place-- I see that as a positive though...being willing to put forth the effort required to reach a place of understanding. You need that in any relationship that's going to work in the long run.

Our families were pretty understanding although his parents had a bit more trouble with it, but because he's the second son they give him a bit more leeway (sp?) as far as "preserving the purity of the family line" should we ever decide to marry.

Now cultural issues don't pop up as much as they did at first, although it still does at times... usually when we run across deeply held beliefs and conceptions (worldview,etc.) that we were previously unaware of. When it does come up, we stop, figure out where each of us is coming from, and work from there.

I think one of the biggest challenges of interracial dating is being sure that you don't reduce the other person down to their culture and forgetting individual personality, gender differences, and all of the other things that make dating difficult at times.

Interracial/intercultural dating doesn't really have negatives in my opinion... it's just difficult at times. But working through the difficulties makes a couple stronger and that's definitely positive. I guess it's all in how you approach challenges and difficulties.

End of ramble...

[Blind Willie]

The last three relationships, going back in time, have been: Korean, Japanese, Japanese.

All three died because the culture gap was simply too wide and I didnt have the patience to try and cross it.

I take my hat off to anyone who's been able to make it work well enough to breed... intentionally, that is.

[the_beaver]

Jumping in again.

My girlfriend and I have discussed this culture gap thing and we both don't understand it.

I feel that it's just a label people convienently put on problems in a relationship and if they couldn't blame it on culture gap they'd blame it on something else.

[peppergirl]

[jajdude]

Nationality or culture matter to me only if it matters to the woman. Otherwise it means nothing to me.

But I'm not sure I want to live somewhere where it is a big deal that I'm a foreigner, not a same-same as everyone else local. So, Korea.... not fun.

After a while the feeling of exclusion, prejudice etc... could cause mental and emotional trouble for a dude like me. And it has.