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[Stout]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/vicki-larson/why-men-need-to-cheat_b_1170015.html

Monogamy is failing men.

Not only is it failing them, but it's a "socially compelled sexual incarceration" that can lead to a life of anger and contempt, or so says Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England's University of Winchester and author of the provocative new book, The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating (Oxford University Press, $49.99).

Cheating, however, serves men pretty well. An undiscovered affair allows them to keep their relationship and emotional intimacy, and even if they're busted it's a lot easier than admitting that they wanted to screw someone else in the first place, he writes.

In his study of 120 undergraduate men, 78 percent of those who had a partner cheated, "even though they said that they loved and intended to stay with their partner." Contrary to what we may think, most men aren't cheating because they don't love their partner, he says; they cheat because they just want to have sex with others. And society shouldn't pooh-pooh that.

Monogamy's stronghold on our beliefs -- what he calls monogamism -- brings ostracism and judgment to anyone who questions or strays from its boundaries. That doesn't make sense to Anderson, who wonders why we stigmatize someone who has a fling more than couples who divorce -- throwing away a marriage rich in history and love, upsetting their kids' lives -- over something like sex.

Monogamy isn't the only "proper" way to be in a relationship, and he says it's time that society finds "multiple forms of acceptable sexual relationship types -- including sexually open relationships -- that coexist without hierarchy or hegemony." It's especially important for today's young men, for whom monogamous sex seems more boring than in generations past because of easy premarital sex and pornography.

Dr. Anderson was kind enough to answer my questions by email:

Interviewer: Your study includes just 120 undergraduate men, straight and gay; isn't that too small a sample to really know what's going on for men?

Anderson: If I were attempting to determine what percent of men cheat, then, yes. Large-scale surveys show us that cheating remains the norm... I wanted to examine the very notion of monogamy, not morally, but rationally. I wanted to know why men want monogamy but nonetheless cheat.

Interviewer: You say men want to be emotionally monogamous, but their "body craves sex with other people somatically." People crave food, drugs, booze, sometimes to disastrous results. If there can be self-control with other cravings, why can't men control their body urges?

Anderson: Humans are largely lousy at controlling our bodies' desires. We say we don't want to eat that Snickers bar, but we also really do want to eat it. We eat it, we feel guilty about it, and afterwards we promise ourselves not to eat one again; but we nonetheless do. It is this same phenomenon, only with cheating, that I explore.

I: The men in your study experienced a sharp decrease in the frequency and enjoyment of sex after two monogamous years. Since no one can sustain the kind of thrilling sex couples have in the beginning of a relationship, isn't it a healthy thing that it decreases?

A: I wish young men got two years of good sex before it dropped off; it's a lot less than that! It may, however, be good that the sexual desire for one's partner weans; it means that we end up staying with our long-term partners for the socioemotional connection and not for the sex. If a couple is going to raise a family, it is the emotional connection that counts, not the sexual.

Our physical desires don't die; they just change from our partner to people other than him/her. We falsely believe that when the sex dies, the relationship has also died. The reality is the opposite; when the sex dies the relationship has just begun.

I: What about the idea that long-term relationships make sex become deeper, more intimate and more meaningful?

A: The diminution of sex is simultaneous to one's emotional bonds growing stronger. Long-term partners may have more intimate sex (most just have very little) but when men see a guy or girl who turns them on, it's not intimate and meaningful sex they are craving.

I: Honesty is a huge part of a relationship. How good a relationship can one have when there's deception, especially since you say after men cheat spontaneously, they are more likely to plan cheating?

A: Honesty is good sometimes, and horrible other times. There are good reasons to lie; it is an essential skill for keeping community and relationship peace. The reason men lie about cheating is mostly because they know that if they ask for permission to have recreational sex: 1) they will be denied 2) after they are denied, they will be subject to scrutiny and increased relationship policing; 3) they will be stigmatized as immoral, and most likely broken up with. Thus, honesty doesn't meet their desires of having both a long-term partner and recreational sex with others.

The way cheating men see it, it's either cheat or don't cheat, but telling their partners they want sex outside the relationship, or telling their partners that they actually cheated, is viewed as a surefire way of achieving relationship termination. When men cheat for recreational sex -- not affairs -- they DO love their partners. If they didn't, they would break up with them.

I: Wouldn't it be less harmful to relationships if we became serial monogamists -- marrying two, three or four times as our sexual needs change?

A: Rather than marrying 20 times or more in one's life via serial monogamy, we can keep one emotional lover and just have casual, meaningless -- and hot -- sex with strangers. This gives us the long-term emotional stability we desire psychologically, alongside the hot, carnal sex we desire somatically. It makes much more sense than lying and cheating , or the difficulty of breaking up with a loved one simply because you want someone else's body for an hour.

[rollo]

In a good marriage sex is not on top of the list. But I think men are raised not to be able to develop emotional intimacy and that makes cheating easier. The biology which drives men which women often ignore. This is a huge problem. marriages where sex is not important to the woman and she assumes the the same is true for the man.

just many reasons. The sexual revolution and women being more comfortable with their sexuality. Simply put it is fairly easy to get laid, and men know it. Just go to a bar and put it out there.

i'm married and do not cheat. Really love and like my wife. I would be so afraid of hurting her. Other reasons but just pretty content. I like being married and faithful.

Monogamy probably is dying. Serial poligamy seems to be pretty rooted in the West. Get married for a few years and move on to the next one. also true for women.

[Stout]

Hey, I hear ya.

Props for having the balls...uh, fortitude, to speak on this topic

[Panda]

He made an extrapolation from 120 sexually-active young college kids in a western society to the rest of the 3 billion men in the world.

[DIsbell]

It's an interesting premise, but I think one thing being ignored in the article/interview is legitimate health concerns which are compounded by the lying that comes with cheating. The serial monogamist can more easily keep tabs on his own sexual health (and keep his partner informed as well), whereas someone discretely sleeping around while in a monogamous emotional relationship isn't being as safe or open with information that's important to both partners.

Otherwise, I do sort of agree with the idea that sex is made into too big of a deal, though personally I'm (or I'm socialized to be) more comfortable with monogamy.

[AlastairKirby]

There are many couples that enjoy open relationships. If you would like the benefit of a relationship whilst still enjoying casual sex with other people then find a partner who is of a like mind.

The reason why it is 'cheating' is precisely because there are men such as myself who are not in a relationship because we enjoy the benefits of being single.

You want to spread your wild oats? Don't be in a relationship.

I think that with all the benefits a relationship brings to a man, fidelity is a small price to pay.

[pedrotaves]

if people don't want to be tied down and want to have sex with multiple partners, go for it. but i have no sympathy for someone who makes promises to a partner, then goes around breaking them, and complains when they get caught that "it's monogamy's fault." if you want to have sex with someone else but your partner doesn't want you to, then break up with them or suck it up. cheaters are selfish. maybe it is human nature to want to explore, but don't use that as an excuse to hurt another person's feelings because they thought it was an exclusive relationship.

[Panda]

[Unposter]

You don't "die" when you get married.

On the other hand, you don't want to hurt your spouse by cheating on someone. I know that if I found out my spouse cheated on me, it would be very painful.

I think that is why there are a lot of strip clubs and access to porn in the West (and other places). Sometimes you need a look or a little stimulation but you don't need to touch. My guess (and it is only a guess), there are probably a lot more married men at these places than single guys.

[yodanole]

[Mix1]

[jfromtheway]

Men and women are certainly very different when it comes to this stuff. Previous girlfriends of mine have had a hard time understanding the nuances of just how hardwired men are to enter horn dog mode in any given situation. How our friend downstairs literally wakes us up, just telling us to get out and procreate. You never know who you'll meet though. My present lady friend says I'm free to sleep with whomever I want, while assuring me she doesn't want the same deal for herself. She is a little bit older, if that makes a difference, but you have to think a situation like that will deteriorate quickly. Needless to say, my ego was all thumbs up initially, but people have emotions and it's never really that easy or simple.

[rollo]

Good point about strip clubs and porn. yeah this is a way to play without damage. What I find interesting that cheating is not more common A more positive light is that so many couples are faithful. Yeah it is not easy. So complex an issue and so many sides. Great topic. Men are certainly different. In my experience some women do not realize how mens egos are tied up in sex and when there is some kind of rejection it really stings.

[Died By Bear]

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