Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Bingo]

Okay, I've been really disillusioned by Korea recently, plus I've had too much free time on my hands. So, I've written another lousy poem. So here I go. Hopefully others will have a poem to add. We can make a collection then read them live on Arirang tv.

The School Assignment

Got out of the taxi, what�s this that I see?
Three high school students walking towards me.
Questioned by these kids for their high school project.
Why did you come to Korea? Are you some kind of reject?
Do you love Korea? Do you think it�s the very best?
What do people especially love about Korea in the West?
Do you like Korean culture? Do you really love our food?
Do you think Koreans are very kind; everyone else very rude?
Do you like kimchi? Where�s your apartment at?
How old are you? And why are you so fat?
Why aren�t you married? And why do you have no kids?
(What do you think of our brand new noses, and our pricey new eyelids?)
Have you heard of Yi So-yeon? She�s world best number one.
Soon Korea will send up more astronauts, perhaps even to the sun.

My stress level was rising, felt like I was being wronged.
Didn�t know how to politely answer, or how I should respond.
*beep* off kids, I finally said, with all your stupid questions.
No, wait�tell your teacher that I have a few suggestions.
Does he really want to know what�s on this foreigner�s mind?
Fine, then. No, I don�t think Koreans are particularly kind.
Tell him, enough of this bullshit about blood type.
And all this annoying �Dokdo is Korea� hype.
He probably tells you that the West has crime, drugs and queers.
And that Korea has, by contrast, 5000 glorious years.
But in all that time, what did you achieve?
Sweet *beep* all, despite what your teacher might believe.

You say Korea has four distinct seasons.
But all four suck for countless different reasons.
Noise, heat, pollution, foul odors and smog.
And just look at that poor abused and neglected dog.
Would it really kill the owner to walk it once a day?
Or is tying it up for its entire life the Daehan-mingook way?
People light their cigarettes under �No Smoking� signs.
And they think soju is among the finer wines.
Cars go down one way streets in the wrong direction,
Old men eat tortured dog to get an erection.
My neighbours slam their doors when they go in or out.
Tell me kids, really, what the *beep* is that about?

Noone says thank you, excuse me or I'm sorry.
Can�t use the crosswalk because it�s blocked by a lorry.
I�d like to shoot those guys in the vegetable trucks.
You also need some real music, because K-pop fucking sucks.
Have you really never heard of blues, jazz or soul?
And how on earth can you not have heard of rock n� roll?
So many dishonest employers, and countless lying recruiters.
(Is it true that they�ve finally opened a half-decent Hooters?)
People sneezing on packed buses, and on the sub-ways.
Yet if you get ill from this, you can forget about sick days.
Taxi drivers won�t stop for other Asians, for blacks or whites.
You see kids, in Korea foreigners have no fucking rights.

Korean men feel important because of first birth.
My boss is one of them, but y�know, he�s the scum of the earth.
Your teacher says you liberated yourselves, now you�re the �Hub of Asia.�
Tell your teacher for me that he�s got acute amnesia.
The truth is you�d be a third world country without the United States.
And yet that�s the very country you�re being taught to hate.
Your teachers have no concept of honesty or gratitude.
Giving the finger (instead of �thank you�) is just plain fucking rude.
You protest every Saturday, chanting �Yankee go Home.�
Yet when foreigners complain about Korea, you reply �When in Rome�.�

�Loving Korean parents� don�t place their infants in safety seats.
And I�m so tired of seeing people horking on the streets.
Car horns, and the friggin roosters on my neighbor�s roof.
Wake me up every morning. My bloodshot eyes the proof.
Excessive whistle blowing by those ass-clown traffic guys.
Anti-foreigner �news� shows with their distortions and lies.
People who talk loudly at wedding halls.
(Screw the bride�s special day. I need to make phone calls.)
People who block my exit when the subway stops.
Stupid, blind and incompetent teenage traffic cops.
Mindless students chanting �Dokdo is ours�.
Peasant nonsense about kimchi as a source of unique Korean powers

I hate to be so negative, I know it sounds unkind.
But living here too long, kids, fucks with a person's mind.
Don�t be discouraged, and please don�t misunderstand.
I genuinely believe that there are some good things about this land.
Just tell your teacher that Korea should stop beating its chest.
And to give the ultra-nationalism thing a fucking rest.
You need to tone things down, that�s my honest belief.
Now *beep* off kids, I�m off to Outback to eat some US beef.

Finito

[philipjames]

Brilliant. But dude you must have waaaaay too much time on your hands.

[philipjames]

I'm working on a poem myself. I'll post it when it's done (hopefully next week.) I can think of some interesting topics for others to write on.

1. immigration
2. co-teachers
3. hookers / hooker hill
4. freaky waygooks
5. Koreans travelling overseas
6. Korean Christians at your door
7. noraebang
8. silly Korean superstions (fan death etc.)
9. the four seasons

[moosehead]

BINGO'S THE MAN !!!!

[blurgalurgalurga]

Nice work Bingo!
It being Friday I will also 'contribute.'

"The Ballad of Johnny Gunt"

Johnny E.S.L.-er
was a normal little feller.
Pumping gas, chasing ass, petty two-bit dime-bag seller,
But unhappy with his lot,
Wished he'd learned what he'd been taught.
He was quite the scabby creature
So, became an English teacher.

Bought a Ship-man-Won diploma from a Thai guy,
Said to home and hearth and mom and dad 'yeah, bye-bye,
I'm off to South Korea
Land of cheap and sh*tty beer
I'm gonna make a buncha coins
And spend them all upon my loins.'

Johnny's mommy shed some tears,
Caving in to momly fears,
crying 'Johnny, baby, don't go there, you'll die.
I saw it all on "M.A.S.H." You'll surely fry.
The weirdoes from the nort'
Will plug your ass, for sport
And laugh while carving chucksteaks off your thigh.'

But Johnny wouldn't listen--Johnnyboy was on a mission!
He'd heard the tales of sweet and yellow fever
He knew his destiny was in Korea.
All his enemies back home gave out a cheer
'Stupid silly fatass drunk and prob'ly queer,
What a dope! He can't cope! I bet it won't be long til he's back here.'

Johnny got a lousy job somewhere in Seoul
Where the locals still cooked dinner over coal.
Didn't make a lot of cash
What he did, he spent on gash.
Had no pals, met no gals,
Ever sad, looked like a Brad,
(Douriff, that is, and not a bit like Pitt.)
He always smelled and always looked like sh*t.

Johnny drowned his woes in soju and fried chicken.
And trying hard,
One night he got a kickin'.
He groped a gangster's Mrs.
Got for it gangster's kisses
Administered from wingtips and a bat.
His life was saved by being very fat.
He'd grown a set of moobs,
Substituting cake for doobs;
Luckily for him, they had no gat.
His fatty shield would not have helped with that.

Johnny still is there and now he's Head White Teacher.
In Dumb-ho Dong he's quite a noted feature.
He's the white boy with the *beep*,
His colleagues hate his ass to bits,
But pretend to like him 'cause he's got a car.
He uses it to drive them to the bar.
Someday he'll surely die,
driving fast while drunk on rye,
which he buys to show he's classy and a czar
of his local grotty wayguk ass*hole bar.

[blaseblasphemener]

Not bad, blurgalurgalurga.

BINGO, they should make that into a sticky.

[philipjames]

Keep em coming. There's a lot of negative feelings out there. Let's turn it into poetry. Wish I'd listened more intensely to poetry writing in English lit. class.

[Bingo]

Am I to believe that I'm the only person here with, as someone said, far too much time of my hands. Just start matching words

rich / my boss is a total bitch
Japan / Most evil country since time began.
drunk / my life's in a funk
American meat / puking on the street
etc.

Maybe we can put them all together into a lovely coffee table book on Korean life from a non-Korean point of view.

[ryouga013]

I am printing this and leaving it on my desk at work...

[NightSky]

awesome.

[ds_fan]

christ, were you recording this conversation on a dicaphone

[ED209]

"You say Korea has four distinct seasons.
But all four suck for countless different reasons. "

By far the best line. I think I'll print it out too for when I resign. (oh, that rhymes!)

[Scotticus]

Maybe it's the rhyme scheme, maybe it's the fact that I recently downloaded the Beastie Boys discography, but I'm getting more of a "rap" vibe than a "poetry" vibe here.

[Ya-ta Boy]

Personally, I rather enjoy those homework assignments. I've had probably a dozen decent conversations with the students after finishing their questions. It isn't surprising how many students will complain about stupid teachers giving out stupid assignments. The best stories are about the rude foreigners refusing to answer the questions. I've found that if I bring up the word 'wangtta' the students understand immediately why way-gookins won't answer their questions.

[flakfizer]