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Is being single selfish?
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happiness



Joined: 04 Sep 2010

PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

At 41 and a single straight male, Ive been called selfish more times than I can recall. Its like why you arent married yet...

My favorite is the time I was told I play guitar in my room and Im selfish, because I dont play it for my friends. That still gives me a case of the ㅋㅋㅋ's.

Its one persons opinion, get over it, you know?
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joelove



Joined: 12 May 2011

PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 5:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

happiness wrote:
At 41 and a single straight male, Ive been called selfish more times than I can recall. Its like why you arent married yet...


I'm just curious. Do many people believe getting married suddenly dissolves or negates selfishness somehow? It makes no sense. Isn't the average marriage two people who think they love each other? Not to be cynical, but really, isn't it still full of jealousy, domination and personal ambition, two separate beings who rely on each other for comfort and pleasure, but ultimately are each pursuing their own ends and desires, and covering all that up with the word "love"? It's still self-centered, isn't it? Marriage or being single has nothing to do with being selfish or not.
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Janny



Joined: 02 Jul 2008
Location: all over the place

PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 7:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A life-long happy marriage is RARE. Humans are not meant to mate for life. It's just a fact.

If you get married and have kids because that's what society / others tell you is 'right'...and you don't really want to....then you only end up hurting yourself and your mate. It might take 5 years, maybe 20. But you will probably end up separating and find out you're much happier that way.

Happened to me. I'm 41, divorced, no kids. I'm very happy and relieved that I chose the path I wanted and not the path I was told to take.

My friends wonder if I'm lonely and scared and unhappy. They maybe hope that's true, to make their own choices seem better. But they can see plainly (if they really look) and hear me say (if they ask) that I'm not. I'm happy every day. Lonely feelings come and go, but they are, as the OP stated, few and far between.
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Fox



Joined: 04 Mar 2009

PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For a supposedly happy person, Janny sure seems to pop up frequently on our forum trying to convince the rest of us she's happy. 41 is a bit late to change course, at least for children. I imagine the next 30 or 40 years will be filled with a lot of self-reassurance that foregoing children was a good idea.
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Janny



Joined: 02 Jul 2008
Location: all over the place

PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Frequently huh? I thought it'd been a while since I last posted. Thought I'd stop in and check out the Korean Forum, since I lived there as an expat for many years..

I do post less often, only on issues that I really care about re: Korea. Sometimes I veer off-course if the topic is relevant to me (ie. being single)

I don't presume to know what makes YOU happy. I know that I feel happier in the past couple years, due to some big decisions made well. I don't mind sharing my success story. When I did live in Korea, I liked reading other people's expat experiences on Dave's. It helped me gain perspective. I hope that I'm doing that now for someone reading this. I share my insights and opinions freely, and am not concerned about being judged 'happy' or whatever...because I am actually happy in life now. I was unhappy for many years and I know the difference. The difference is a beautiful thing to be conscious of..

You sound a tad bitter...about someone else's happiness. That is sad. But I'm not going to make predictions about the next 30 years of your life, like you callously did to me. That's not what happy people do.

Maybe I'm just more memorable because of the avatar. (I'd like to change it but it's probably too much trouble. It was a helluva task getting one to begin with.)

Hope you find some happy today, Fox.
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Fox



Joined: 04 Mar 2009

PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Janny wrote:

You sound a tad bitter...about someone else's happiness.


How can I be bitter about something I don't think exists?

Janny wrote:

But I'm not going to make predictions about the next 30 years of your life, like you callously did to me. That's not what happy people do.


What happy people don't do is spend time trying to convince strangers on the Internet that they are happy. Nor do they generally spend time trying to justify the collapse of their marriages to said strangers. It's not your avatar that makes you memorable, it's that every single time I come across one of your posts, it's the same thing. Maybe it was a bit unkind of me to sardonically mock this habit of yours given everything you've been through, but if you're going to try to persuade others of something, you can hardly object when they are not convinced.
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Janny



Joined: 02 Jul 2008
Location: all over the place

PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

1. I am not trying to convince anyone of anything. I am telling how I feel and why I feel that way.

2. I do not object to your reaction. If you don't believe that I'm really happy, that is your choice and I have no problem with it. I DID say I thought your reaction was "sad" because .....well, why wouldn't you believe me? What makes you a suitable judge? Why do you care enough to post a negative rebuttal? My own opinion is that you, yourself, are not happy. THAT'S why you don't want to hear me / believe me. It pisses you off.

I posted as a response to the OP's question / comments. Why did you post?

Quote:
What happy people don't do is spend time trying to convince strangers on the Internet that they are happy. Nor do they generally spend time trying to justify the collapse of their marriages to said strangers.


I CAN object when people say things that are untrue. You made alot of assumptions here, darling. Your "spend time to convince" and "justify a collapse" are rather strong. I'm just sharing my experiences on a discussion forum. Relax, please.
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catman



Joined: 18 Jul 2004

PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 3:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Janny wrote:
1. I am not trying to convince anyone of anything. I am telling how I feel and why I feel that way.

2. I do not object to your reaction. If you don't believe that I'm really happy, that is your choice and I have no problem with it. I DID say I thought your reaction was "sad" because .....well, why wouldn't you believe me? What makes you a suitable judge? Why do you care enough to post a negative rebuttal? My own opinion is that you, yourself, are not happy. THAT'S why you don't want to hear me / believe me. It pisses you off.

I posted as a response to the OP's question / comments. Why did you post?

Quote:
What happy people don't do is spend time trying to convince strangers on the Internet that they are happy. Nor do they generally spend time trying to justify the collapse of their marriages to said strangers.


I CAN object when people say things that are untrue. You made alot of assumptions here, darling. Your "spend time to convince" and "justify a collapse" are rather strong. I'm just sharing my experiences on a discussion forum. Relax, please.


You have to forgive Fox. If you read some of his opinions on feminism you will probably better understand where he is coming from.

Now start pumping out babies like nature intended! Razz
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Kuros



Joined: 27 Apr 2004

PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 11:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

catman wrote:
Janny wrote:
1. I am not trying to convince anyone of anything. I am telling how I feel and why I feel that way.

2. I do not object to your reaction. If you don't believe that I'm really happy, that is your choice and I have no problem with it. I DID say I thought your reaction was "sad" because .....well, why wouldn't you believe me? What makes you a suitable judge? Why do you care enough to post a negative rebuttal? My own opinion is that you, yourself, are not happy. THAT'S why you don't want to hear me / believe me. It pisses you off.

I posted as a response to the OP's question / comments. Why did you post?

Quote:
What happy people don't do is spend time trying to convince strangers on the Internet that they are happy. Nor do they generally spend time trying to justify the collapse of their marriages to said strangers.


I CAN object when people say things that are untrue. You made alot of assumptions here, darling. Your "spend time to convince" and "justify a collapse" are rather strong. I'm just sharing my experiences on a discussion forum. Relax, please.


You have to forgive Fox. If you read some of his opinions on feminism you will probably better understand where he is coming from.

Now start pumping out babies like nature intended! Razz


Fox is just being rude here. If he's being at all sincere, then he should not have said anything, because he suggests that its too late for him to convince Janny to do what is necessary to be happy.

Fox wrote:
For a supposedly happy person, Janny sure seems to pop up frequently on our forum trying to convince the rest of us she's happy. 41 is a bit late to change course, at least for children.


Attacking Janny is not going to prove any of his points.
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Fox



Joined: 04 Mar 2009

PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 3:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am sincere, but it's not Janny who I hope might benefit from my (admittedly harsh) words. Catman made a crack about my stance on feminism, but his masculinity does not exempt him from going down a path he'll later regret. He's still quite a bit younger than her and male, so he still has a reasonable amount of time to change course. He should worry less about whether he's being selfish, and more about if he's really going to be content with the enduring conclusions of his lifestyle as he gets older and older. I get the feeling that he posted this thread looking for some affirmation, but it would be irresponsible to give it to him if we actually wish him the best (and I for one do); he needs careful thought, not reassuring pats on the back. If Janny doesn't want to be used as an example in such an exercise, then she can stop posting her personal details on the board again and again.
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radcon



Joined: 23 May 2011

PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

@ Fox.
Why do you feel people must procreate in order to have happy, fulfilling lives (especially as they get older)?
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rainman3277



Joined: 13 Sep 2009

PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 5:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stan Rogers wrote:
I agree with your sister. You are selfish. The rest of your family probably thinks you're gay. Your parents probably just don't want to know. Koreans will think you are not married because you have a "problem." I tend to agree with the Koreans on this.

I have nothing against single people. But I know many who are in their 30's and 40's in Korea, and almost all of them have a "problem." These problems are various but certainly enough to keep them single. Nearly all the people with a "problem" are in denial that the problem even exists. Some who are aware of the problem just blow it off as not a big deal when in fact it really is.


There are a number of people I've met who have gotten married because of pressure for parents and society, rather than love as the enter their 30's. I would not describe that as normal.

And there is no honor is reproducing. Having babies is 100% selfish by definition. When was the last time someone said they really didn't want to have a baby, but they must for the sake of the population?
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edwardcatflap



Joined: 22 Mar 2009

PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
And there is no honor is reproducing. Having babies is 100% selfish by definition. When was the last time someone said they really didn't want to have a baby, but they must for the sake of the population?


They might say they must for the sake of the grandparents. That wouldn't be selfish. Or a woman might have one as a result of pressure from the husband. That wouldn't be selfish either.
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Janny



Joined: 02 Jul 2008
Location: all over the place

PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 5:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fox, you are being very rude and a major jerk.

Just because you don't agree with me, you DO NOT have any right to suggest that I stop posting here. My opinion is JUST AS VALID AS YOURS.

If you don't agree with that, I would love to say that you are a negative influence on any discussion board you frequent.

I would never say other people are "wrong". The OP asked a question and I answered it according to my own experience and opinion. Is that OK with you?????? Sure, I feel I might be lonelier when I get older. But that is a price I'm willing to pay for my freedom now. IS THAT OK WITH YOU????

You don't have any insights into other people. Just your own fears, shining brightly.

Get stuffed. Evil or Very Mad
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Fox



Joined: 04 Mar 2009

PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

radcon wrote:
@ Fox.
Why do you feel people must procreate in order to have happy, fulfilling lives (especially as they get older)?


It's less that people must procreate in order to live fulfilling lives than the fact is that many people do derive real, enduring fulfillment from it. If one is going to forego a relationship and reproduction, one had best be certain one will not regret it later, because it's one of those opportunities which really can pass one by. Is that really so unreasonable?

Janny wrote:
Just because you don't agree with me, you DO NOT have any right to suggest that I stop posting here.


You can post whatever you want, I don't care. I didn't tell you to stop posting, I said that if you insist on repeatedly posting your personal details on a discussion forum that you can hardly be surprised when people respond to them or use them to make a point.

Janny wrote:
Sure, I feel I might be lonelier when I get older. But that is a price I'm willing to pay for my freedom now.


Yes, and this is exactly my point: present behavior has future consequences, and one had best be very sure one is ready to face those consequences. This assertion is much closer to honesty than your previous presentation of your situation.
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