|
Korean Job Discussion Forums
"The Internet's Meeting Place for ESL/EFL Teachers from Around the World!"
|
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| What best describes your communication needs? |
| I must have a relationship with someone who shares the same native language |
|
9% |
[ 5 ] |
| My relationship should be with someone from the same cultural background (ex. East Asian, Western European) |
|
1% |
[ 1 ] |
| As long as my sweetie can speak my language reasonably well... |
|
9% |
[ 5 ] |
| As long as one of us can speak the other's native language reasonably well... |
|
29% |
[ 16 ] |
| As long as we can both communicate in some shared language that doesn't have to be the native tongue for either of us... |
|
23% |
[ 13 ] |
| As long as we can communicate in our own way no matter how weird it may look and sound to outsiders... |
|
21% |
[ 12 ] |
| As long as we can jump in the sack together regularly, who cares. |
|
3% |
[ 2 ] |
| I'm a deaf-mute and all my relationships are over the Internet with the keyboard... |
|
1% |
[ 1 ] |
|
| Total Votes : 55 |
|
| Author |
Message |
Cedar
Joined: 11 Mar 2003
Location: In front of my computer, again.
|
 Posted: Tue May 17, 2005 11:53 pm Post subject: Communication and my Love Life |
 |
|
Reading some other posts, so I thought maybe we could narrow things down, stop the bashing and just discuss communication issues with our long or short term partners.
As many of you may know, my husband and I communicate in Chinese, which is neither his native language, nor mine.
My position on communication is that as we are BOTH non-native speakers we always ASSUME it's easy to misunderstand, and hence take care to be clear and state what we really mean, less hinting and beating around the bush, more honesty. I actually think we may know each other better than most if not all other relationsips I've been in (even with fellow Americans) because we try hard to see past our own culture and the language problems we still occassionally have to who we really are and what we are really saying.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
sillywilly
Joined: 20 Jan 2003
Location: Canada.
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 12:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Never been in that situation but I can imagine its initially very sexy but frusterating in the long term. Guess it all depends how much effort youre willing to make for your lover. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
PolyChronic Time Girl
Joined: 15 Dec 2004
Location: Korea Exited
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 12:43 am Post subject: |
|
|
I'm gonna try this one more time...my last post in that other thread sure raised eyebrows regarding my "communication" with my Korean husband. My husband and I do have a unique brand of communication. He speaks very, very little English. That didn't deter me from getting to know him at the start because I figured this relationship was worth exploring. Our langauge is very mixed with Korean and English, mostly Korean and I sure draw some stares and giggles whenever I talk with him on the phone. I know it looks baffling and ridiculous to outsiders, but we have our "bubble" of a language that only we know. It works for us. We can sympathize, care for, argue, debate, laugh in this language. Let's call this langauge "Polyish"...it took quite awhile to develop...love helped to develop it (okay a bit cheesy there). But other factors help shape our language other than words...tone, facial expression...that go along with our created words. I've dated many western men in the past and I have to say that my husband is the one that i best "communicated" with....that's why I married him! Communication goes much further than a good vocabulary. Besides, since I live in Korea, I feel it is more my obligation to speak Korean...it's his country...why should I force English on him? Of course, we're moving to the U.S soon....he'll be learning English too. The thing is that we make an effort to communicate. We have fun to. But we're a very, very rare case and I understand that this wouldn't work for the majority. How can I say this without being super cheesy...we're more bound by spirit and mutual understanding and that helps shape our unique communication.
**Cedar----I think it's awesome that you and your husband speak Chinese! I've often thought about my husband and I studying Spanish together so we're both learners and on the same page... |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
pollyplummer
Joined: 07 Mar 2005
Location: McMinnvillve, Oregon
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 1:23 am Post subject: |
|
|
| PolyChronic Time Girl wrote: |
| **Cedar----I think it's awesome that you and your husband speak Chinese! I've often thought about my husband and I studying Spanish together so we're both learners and on the same page... |
Um, yeah, except Spanish would be way more easy for you than it would be for him. Even Russian or Greek would probably be easier for you than him. It seems more reasonable for you to focus all of your energies on learning the native languages of each other. That's just my opinion, though 
This could become an interesting discussion about the nature of communication. Some of us are more inclined to communicate verbally and some are more gifted than others. Some are quite gifted at body language and can command the attention of a classroom or other kind of audience without saying a word. I love words and language. My last boyfriend was the editor of a newspaper, and let me tell you, I thought that was hot. If from the time you are a child your main hobby is voracious reading, and if in high school the only thing you lettered in was debate, then chances are that you are going to be attracted to people who love language and use it well. My philosophy teacher in college told me that she would become inflamed reading my papers, because she found me to be "verbally promiscious."  The way she marked my papers showed that she didn't think it was sexy at all. However, all that to say that people like me find it appalling that deep intimacy can exist between someone like PCTG and her K. husband. I'm not saying that it can't work, but it's so far from my understanding. I've been pondering it all day, trying to open my mind to how that could work. Let me just say that it takes a conscious effort. I'm trying. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
chance2005
Joined: 03 Apr 2005
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 1:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
| PolyChronic Time Girl wrote: |
I'm gonna try this one more time...my last post in that other thread sure raised eyebrows regarding my "communication" with my Korean husband. My husband and I do have a unique brand of communication. He speaks very, very little English. That didn't deter me from getting to know him at the start because I figured this relationship was worth exploring. Our langauge is very mixed with Korean and English, mostly Korean and I sure draw some stares and giggles whenever I talk with him on the phone. I know it looks baffling and ridiculous to outsiders, but we have our "bubble" of a language that only we know. It works for us. We can sympathize, care for, argue, debate, laugh in this language. Let's call this langauge "Polyish"...it took quite awhile to develop...love helped to develop it (okay a bit cheesy there). But other factors help shape our language other than words...tone, facial expression...that go along with our created words. I've dated many western men in the past and I have to say that my husband is the one that i best "communicated" with....that's why I married him! Communication goes much further than a good vocabulary. Besides, since I live in Korea, I feel it is more my obligation to speak Korean...it's his country...why should I force English on him? Of course, we're moving to the U.S soon....he'll be learning English too. The thing is that we make an effort to communicate. We have fun to. But we're a very, very rare case and I understand that this wouldn't work for the majority. How can I say this without being super cheesy...we're more bound by spirit and mutual understanding and that helps shape our unique communication.
**Cedar----I think it's awesome that you and your husband speak Chinese! I've often thought about my husband and I studying Spanish together so we're both learners and on the same page... |
I studied very hard to learn Korean at a university in Seoul, so I quickly came to a Korean conversational level with my soon-to-be wife at the time. Before this, I found it a real headache to communicate. After I learned Korean though it changed everything. Later we went to the States and continued to speak only Korean until she went to University and then we mixed it up a bit: Korean and English. Anyway my advice, though I know you are not asking for it, is to learn a very functional Korean before you go to the States, maybe by going to school if you can and even delaying your departure. It will be useful to you for the rest of your life. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Homer
Guest
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 2:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
We speak Korean and English and now some French is thrown in!
We have zero communication problems.
When I first met my wife she spoke very basic English and my Korean was in its infancy stage.
We are compatible and share many values and interests. It was only normal that I work hard on my korean and her on her English. Communication is no different then with a western woman. It is much more a question of compatibility then of language. Compatibility cannot be developped (in my opinion) but language sure can.
Cultural differences are no big hurdle either if you have basic compatibility. In fact these differences added depth to the relationship.
I did not marry my wife because she was a Korean woman. I married her because she was the one for me. I knew that right off the bat after our first date. This only got stronger as we got to know each other. This could have happened with a western woman, a Korean woman, an Indian woman....
Compatibility. mutual attraction and common interest that is what is needed.
The language and cultural differences are, in my opinion, a simple cop out. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
pollyplummer
Joined: 07 Mar 2005
Location: McMinnvillve, Oregon
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 2:31 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Homer wrote: |
Compatibility. mutual attraction and common interest that is what is needed.
The language and cultural differences are, in my opinion, a simple cop out. |
That may be true for you. However, language is more important to some people. If one of the most attractive things to you is that a person is well-spoken in your native language, then you will not often be attracted to non-native speakers. This is not a cop out. It's an issue of attraction. I believe that death and life are in the power of the tongue, and I want to be able to understand what my lover is saying with his words. But I want more than to merely understand. I want ease in communication, because when I'm with my lover, I don't want to be working overtime on language. That's a personal preference and not a cop out. I'm not attracted to someone who cannot compel me with his words. Nations and cultures are perpetuated by people producing offspring of their own cultural kind. It is a family of nations. This is not a racist comment, it's an observation. There's nothing wrong with mixing races or people who speak other languages, just as there is nothing wrong in being irresistably attracted to your own kind. It's not a cop out. It's preference. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
the_beaver
Joined: 15 Jan 2003
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 2:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
Fucking is fucking; joking is joking; philosophizing is philosophizing; eating is eating. The amount and kind of communication necessary for a relationship depends on the relationship.
Many years ago I was with my frien, his girlfriend, and some of her friends. They were speaking Korean and I was translating and he said something about my Korean ability being good and I said that I can't talk about Nietzsche or anything and he summed it right up -- the was no danger the girls were going to speak about Nietzsche. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Callipear
Joined: 02 Mar 2005
Location: Seoul Mapo-gu Seogyo-dong
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 3:27 am Post subject: |
|
|
I just realized that I posted in the wrong topic so I apoligize to anyone who read this twice...
I'm new to the board - and I've been living one of those language barrier relationships that you're talking about.
My korean boyfriend and I have been living together in paris for the past 3 years. We speak French together - but we also communicate in English and a little Korean. (my first Language is english). He's just left for Korea, and I'll be joining him soon, so one day I hope to have Korean under my belt too. My BF's English is pretty awful (bad pronounciation and grammar), but he understands 85% of what I say. Our dream is to one day be able to communicate with each other in our respective native languages. Because no matter how good either of us is in French, it's not our native language and I feel that our ability to express ourselves suffers, and will continue to suffer especially since we'll no longer live in France. Communication in french is okay but sometimes it leaves a lot to be desired. Using our own native languages there'd be less of a discrepency between what we mean to say and what actually comes out of our mouths...I know this is a farfetched dream, but we're working steadily towards it.
Everyone solves their communication problems differently, and I know that being able to say what you want to say doesn't solve everything, but it will help smooth over a few of the bumps in our relationship, not to mention provide the impetus for learning another language fluently! |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
canadian_in_korea
Joined: 20 Jun 2004
Location: South Korea
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 3:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
| My husband and I communicate in English....his english was good when i first met him....and its improving all the time. Cedar makes a very good point....when you can actually say "there might be a problem with communication/misunderstanding" you make many more allowances....when my husband would say something...I would actually ask to clarify exactly what he meant...not being sure whether I was misunderstanding or not....the interesting thing is...when dating someone from your own culture who speaks the same native language...we very rarely make these allowances. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
pollyplummer
Joined: 07 Mar 2005
Location: McMinnvillve, Oregon
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 3:55 am Post subject: |
|
|
| canadian_in_korea wrote: |
| being sure whether I was misunderstanding or not....the interesting thing is...when dating someone from your own culture who speaks the same native language...we very rarely make these allowances. |
This, however, is not an issue of culture but rather an issue of character. If one's character is steeped in pride and selfishness, one is less likely to admit that he ought to give these allowances or that it's possible that he is misunderstanding. A person of humility is better able to communicate without assuming superiority at all times. This kind of person is better able to truly listen. Intimacy is a result of vulnerability and humility with one another. If your soul and body are naked before someone, rather than steeped in pride, rather than closed off by protective fortresses, you will be able to experience intimacy. Some people lay bare their soul best through language. Others through music. Others by way of any number of vehicles for disarming oneself and truly uncovering the person inside. We wear so many masques without knowing it, but to be able to take those off and destroy them with someone you trust is a precious gift. Then to be able to say I have no need of these masks anymore whether it's through language or whatever way... that's when real communication begins. I don't completely understand it, but this thread is really opening up my mind. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
canadian_in_korea
Joined: 20 Jun 2004
Location: South Korea
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 4:11 am Post subject: |
|
|
| pollyplummer wrote: |
| canadian_in_korea wrote: |
| being sure whether I was misunderstanding or not....the interesting thing is...when dating someone from your own culture who speaks the same native language...we very rarely make these allowances. |
This, however, is not an issue of culture but rather an issue of character. If one's character is steeped in pride and selfishness, one is less likely to admit that he ought to give these allowances or that it's possible that he is misunderstanding. A person of humility is better able to communicate without assuming superiority at all times. This kind of person is better able to truly listen. Intimacy is a result of vulnerability and humility with one another. If your soul and body are naked before someone, rather than steeped in pride, rather than closed off by protective fortresses, you will be able to experience intimacy. Some people lay bare their soul best through language. Others through music. Others by way of any number of vehicles for disarming oneself and truly uncovering the person inside. We wear so many masques without knowing it, but to be able to take those off and destroy them with someone you trust is a precious gift. Then to be able to say I have no need of these masks anymore whether it's through language or whatever way... that's when real communication begins. I don't completely understand it, but this thread is really opening up my mind. |
This is very deep...but totally missed my point....my point was...when you are in an international relationship...you are very aware of what might be a language barrier, therefore you are more likely to clarify those things that might be misunderstood....i carefully watch my husband's reaction..his facial expressions to make sure he understands what I have said....I have become much more tuned in to the many aspects of communication not only the verbal aspect..My point about communicating with those from the same culture that speak the same language was simply that we tend not to pay attention to these other types of communication...we rely mostly on verbal....with some exceptions...anyone who has studied comunications would most likely pay attention. Language might be a very important part of communicating....however the most important thing is understanding....without understanding.... the rest is just moot. I once heard this expression somewhere..."as long as you understand the point....the rest is just noise"...perhaps when you are learning a language this wouldn't apply....but when simply trying to understand someone...that pretty much sums it up. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
peony
Joined: 30 Mar 2005
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 5:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
we both supposedly speak the same native language, but he's a Brit and i'm American and every once in a while there are things i say that he doesnt understand and vice versa (rare but happens)
why cant dem dang Brits speak proper English   |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Swiss James
Joined: 26 Nov 2003
Location: Shanghai
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 5:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
What about a shared sense of humour? It's one thing being able to mime out "I shopping go OK?" but I would like to be able to share laughs with my future wife, crack jokes, make comments on shared experiences, the odd double-edged private joke when chatting in a group.
Haven't any of you people seen Cyrano de Bergerac? Or that Steve Martin film with the same plot?
 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
pollyplummer
Joined: 07 Mar 2005
Location: McMinnvillve, Oregon
|
| Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 6:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I have not seen that, but I want to... is it full of those "odd double-edged private jokes when chatting in a group" ?? I like that.  I don't know how you could want to live with someone your whole life and want that. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
FAQ
Search
Memberlist
Usergroups
Register
Profile
Log in to check your private messages
Log in
