Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Interested]

Play your part
The war on terror demands that everyone be prepared

AL Kennedy
Tuesday July 26, 2005

Guardian

Two things to bear in mind - first, very soon all manner of new, appalling photographs and tapes of torture performed by coalition forces will be released. Second, we are anticipating a few more nips and tucks in your civil liberties in the near future. I don't mean to imply you've done something wrong. Numberless people who've done nothing at all have been tortured by us and our allies and business associates, and this will only continue. So there are certain preparations you might want to make.
Like getting a medical degree. Because, although you can expect "cruel, inhuman or degrading" treatment - no longer defined as torture by our pals and their private contractors - what you need to look for is pain "equivalent in intensity to the pain accompanying serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death". That is still torture. Any fool can scream, "I'm dying," but to have any hope of ending your ordeal you're going to have to be really convincing - throw in details like, "I believe I may be losing liver function."

A psychiatry degree will be handy, too, because unless you can promise that being bitten by dogs or told your loved ones have been killed or watching your children being abused will result "in significant psychological harm of significant duration", things could get quite unpleasant.

And, as you'll be spending most of your time naked, you should get in shape. This will aid your self-esteem and may also help you conduct electricity more efficiently. You might also study some hardcore porn as this will get you used to a few of the acts you may be asked to perform - although some, like being sodomised by a woman with a strap-on, will need minimal cooperation.

If this makes you in any way anxious, perhaps a law degree would ease your qualms. I'm sure your interrogators would be delighted to know that their political and military superiors are guilty under international law if they "knew, or owing to the circumstances, should have known" about criminal activity carried out by their agents, but failed to take all necessary and reasonable measures to prevent it. Be aware that a suggested pro-torture argument has been self-defence. While hanging naked by your hands, try telling your captors that an ill-defined threat to their country is not the same as an immediate threat to their personal wellbeing.

Or you could point out that intelligence professionals are horrified by torture for a practical reason: it doesn't work. It simply brutalises someone to the point where they'll tell you what you want to hear. If they're not terrorists then the fantasy world of forced confessions becomes even more misleading and surreal.

So keep fit, buy your ID card and wait for the day when you can play your part in the war on terror: helping to entertain hard-working torture contractors, while generating the kind of delusional intelligence that makes it virtually impossible to prevent terrorist attacks and increasingly likely that there will be more