Korean Job Discussion Forums

[whatthefunk]

Coastal City Prepares for Worst Disaster in History

WTF Newswire

Fukuoka - I am standing on what is usually Fukuoka's busiest beach, Fukuhama, about a ten minute drive from downtown Fukuoka. Just yesterday, this beach was crowded with playing children and sunbathing women laughing and playing and laughing. But today, there are no children. Today there are no women. Today, there are only waves.

Fukuoka, a small city on the island of Kyushu which contains about 1.5 million souls, gets pounded by typhoons every summer, but none so big as this one. Experts have said that this typhoon has windspeeds faster than a speeding train, and that it may even possess the ability to leap over tall buildings. Its name in Nabi, which means butterfly in some language that this reporter does not speak. An all too fitting name as this typhoon flutters very slowly toward Japan, gaining strenght as it moves. This reporter feels that by the time it reaches this small villa, wind speeds will be so fast that we will be lucky if anyone survive. Nabi's path is still uncertain, but one thing is all too certain. If its course does not alter, and if Nabi slams into Fukuoka as it is expected to, we will all die.

The rain started early this morning, and shows no sign of letting up anytime soon. Winds have started to pick up and by the end of the day, they are expected to be relatively strong. I visited a local grocery store this morning and witnessed what appeared to be a mad dash for drinking water, rice, bread, batteries, candles and other basic supplies. I interviewed one woman who told me, as she struggled with four jugs of water, that "we must be prepared for the worst." Taking her advice, I too stocked up for what is shaping up to be the worst disaster in history. This is what local authorities are recommending that people have, just in case the worst happens:

1 carton of cheap soju
4 cans of beer
1 bottle of vodka
2 cartons of assorted mixers
1 bag of ice
The complete Janes Addiction collection
7 umbrellas
2 packs of cigarettes

And so no all we can do is wait, hope, repent, and look blindly for someone to blame when this is all over.

Your reporter on the front, Whatthefunk.

[yesterday's child]

oh, stop it! you're spooking the crap outta me!

[whatthefunk]

Japan's Answer to Katrina

WTF Newswire

Fukuoka - Just a few short days after Hurricane Katrina ravaged the Gulf Coast of America causing several hundred if not several thousand deaths, Typhoon Nabi is now threatening the southern shores of Japan. As residents flee to higher ground and prepare to loot the city after the typhoon wipes out the local police forces, the waves grow higher and the winds stronger. It is no longer a matter of if we will survive, it is more of a matter of how we will die.

The possibility of petty human suffering aside, many politicians and analysts are now wondering exactly what the consequences of this typhoon will be. Several thousand lives will be lost of course, but there is also a growing concern that nation-wide fish prices may rise due to the large fishing industry along the southern shores of this small island nation. Steps are now being taken to save as many fishing boats as possible by taking them out of the water and storing them in shelters that are normally used by victims of disasters. Yukio Tanaka, Mayor of Kagoshima City, has said that "we must look to the future. If our fishing resources are lost, our city will be crippled for years to come. We must learn from the mistakes that were made in America. We must save our resources."

The national government has considered deploying national troops ahead of the typhoon so that they can be ready immediately after the storm, but most of Japans troops are either stationed in Iraq or on summer vacation, so the likelyhood of them being able to respond within a week of the storms occuring is almost zero.

Your reporter on the front, Whatthefunk.

[Maserial]

Good report funk (especially the cigarettes), but...I think that we need the 'jam girl' back as soon as possible. Don't funk us on such a reasonable request.

[whatthefunk]

Nabi Moves Closer, Citizens Panic

WTF Newswire

Fukuoka - Calm is not a word that I would use to describe today. Unless of course the definition of calm has been changed to mean windy as *beep* and pissing rain. But if it has remained unchanged, like I think it has, I would not use that word to describe today. The winds picked up in the night and the rain started heavily early this morning. At least thats what somebody told me. I have also been told that the trains might stop early today, leaving several thousand people such as myself stranded at work in miserable little country towns where they will surely perish before tomorrow morning comes.

There has also been a sharp rise in crime, as citizens have begun to panic due to their coming deaths. I came across a group of Kenyans, in Japan for atheltic purposes, in the supermarket, looting away like there was tomorrow, which or course there isnt. I asked one of the Kenyans why he was looting before the typhoon and he said "Im not looting." Ignorance is bliss, I suppose, especially when you know that you will be dead within the next 24 hours. I also saw several Japanese people shopping for water and other supplies that will be completly useless when the typhoon comes and completely destroys their houses, familes etc.

Local authorities are very concerned about why the citizens are panicing so much. Some have suggested that the media is contributing to the growing waves of panic sweeping the city. This reporter thinks that those officials are ignorant and will be very sorry when 100000 foot tall waves come crashing down on their houses, killing everyone instantly.

Your reporter on the front, Whatthefunk.

[jinglejangle]

Thank you for that.

[whatthefunk]

Is Bush to Blame for Nabi?

WTF Newswire

Fukuoka - With the approaching storm drawing nearer and nearer, many citizens in Fukuoka and other cities in Kyushu are asking the question "Who is to blame?" This reporter is also asking this question now because it is most certain that we will all die and not be able to ask this important question later. Lets look at some of the possibilities.

I interviewed one woman on the streets today and she declared that god is to blame for the typhoon that will devour her and her entire family. This is outrageous, I told her, because it is obvious to me that there is no god and even if there was, what sort of god would randomly kill thousands of innocents with a typhoon? I ran away after she jabbed me in the gut with her umbrella and kicked me in the balls.

I interviewed a young college student and he said that nobody is to blame, it is a storm and people dont create storms. I beat the crap out of him and demanded that he blame somebody for it. So he blamed Bush, after throwing up several liters of blood. Now this is interesting, I thought. He expalined to me, through bouts of coma, that global warming, which is thought to be caused by an increase in pollution in the atmosphere, causes tropical storms to become more powerful. Bush and his government have cut environmental regualtions thus adding to the amount of pollutants in the air. Because of his explanation, I have come up with the following theory. Bush, who exudes copious amounts of bullshit and hotair while giving speaches, has added to the heat in the environment, thus causing tropical storms to become stronger. I have drawen a diagram for those readers who are unable to read.



And that, is how it is , my friends. In order to prevent this from happening in the future, the IAHL (International Anti-Hotair Leauge) have begun plans to develope a device that if worn by Bush, will cool his air and prevent disasters like the one that will occur here within the next few hours, from ever happening again. Its basically a big muzzle.

Your reporter on the front, Whatthefunk.

[brento1138]

I like the direction WTF is bringing in news coverage today. Good job!

[whatthefunk]

Nabi Ravages Japan, Stupid People out in Force

WTF Newswire

Fukuoka - Super Typhoon Nabi lashed the coast of Southern Japan this morning, forcing several hundred people from their homes which they stupidly built in flood zones. I went to a local shelter earlier today to talk to some of these people and ask them why exactly they decided to build houses in areas which were almost certain to get wiped out by a typhoon some day. One man said to me "it was my fathers house." Okay, fair enough. I asked him if he planned to rebuild in the same spot and he said "you bet" he said through tears shed for all the things he had lost and all the things that he will loose again next year when another super typhoon demolishes everything that he owns.
But those that built houses in flood zones arent the only stupid people out today. There are also the thousands of people trying to use umbrellas in gale force winds. The streets are littered with tattered umbrellas. The local government has issued a statement that advices people to not attempt to use umbrells in a typhoon. The advisory also states that if you do wish to use an umbrella, it is best to use a fiber-glass umbrella which has more flexablity than a steel umbrella.

The government is also concerned that some people, this reporter included, may have broken into their typhoon survival kits a little too early and that these people may have trouble standing up straight. The government is concerned that this may impare peoples abitlity to swim after their houses are flooded and all of their belongings and children are dragged out to sea.

Your reporter on the front, Whatthefunk.

[whatthefunk]

This edition of the WTF Newswire is brought to you by:

[whatthefunk]

Several Thousand Leaves die as Typhoon Nabi Utterly Destroys Fukuoka

Fukuoka - I AM STANDING....ON WHAT USED TO BE...A MAJOR STREET CORNER IN THE RUINED CITY OF FUKUOKA. THE WIND....THE WIND IS SO STRONG, THAT MY GOVERNMENT ISSUED FIBER-GLASS UMBRELLA HAS BEEN REDUCED TO SEVERAL THOUSAND PIECES. GRAINS OF SAND AND SHARDS OF GLASS COMING FROM CRUMPLED BUILDINGS...HAVE BEEN LODGED IN MY FACE....INJECTED INTO MY SKIN BY THE WINDS.

THIS REPORTER...HAS NEVER SEEN A STORM WITH SUCH FORCE AND ANGER BEHIND IT. TODAY....IS PROOF...THAT THERE IS NO GOD. THE LEAVES....THE LEAVES!!! DEAD LEAVES BLOWING PAST ME...HUNDREDS OF THEM EVERY MINUTE ARE PROOF OF THIS. WHAT GOD WOULD SELFISHLY DESTROY SO MANY INNOCENT LIVES?? THE HUMANITY!!! OHHHH, THE HUMANITY!!!

Your reporter on the front, Whatthefunk.

[skinhead]

OH< THE HUMANITY!!

[jinglejangle]

This is the best thread I have had the pleasure of reading here yet.