Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Hanson]

Ok, so I'm wondering how many other people on Dave's have the frustrations I sometimes have with my Korean mother-in-law.

Let me preface this by saying that my Korean mother-in-law has been very supportive of her daughter marrying a non-Korean, and my wife's family have/has been great to me.

I guess the real frustrations started for me when my wife and I had our first child 8 months ago. My mother-in-law insists on doing things 'her way', even when my wife and I have repeatedly asked her to do it our way.

The kicker was when I got home from work today to find my daughter's skin an irritable (and probably uncomfortable) red color. When I asked my wife and mother-in-law what had happened to make her skin so red, my wife sighed and said that my mother-in-law had given our daughter a hot bath. My mother-in-law has done this several times before, and when we catch her doing it, we tell her (as nicely as I can manage sometimes) not to give her such scolding hot baths, to which she reluctantly says "�˾Ƽ�", or my favorite "Ok, ok".

But then she does it again. And again.

Now, my wife seems powerless to 'fight the battle' on this issue and often gives in because my mother-in-law is so pushy sometimes. It has caused my mother-in-law and my wife to have bad feelings towards each other before. I just told my wife that I'll be the bad guy if need be, but she just told me she'll have another chat with the mother-in-law tonight, after I go to bed.

So, to all you posters out there with a Korean mother-in-law, how do you deal with it?

EDIT: My mother-in-law comes for 2-3 day visits every 2 weeks...

[Homer]

My mother-in-law insisted on washing our son with that rough cloth they use at the public bath....we managed to avoid the issue by giving our son his bath ourselves when she was there....

My mother-in-law also insists on over-dressing the baby when we went outside during winter....we explained to her what our choice was and she respected it.

In the end however, you cannot stop a grandmother from interfering! That is just a law of nature I learned to accept when it comes to my mother and my mother-in-law!

By the way, mother-in-law lives 10 minutes from us....

It is give and take.

My wife has also had interesting moments with my mother when she visited.

[Corporal]

[JongnoGuru]

Good luck to you, Hanson. Seriously, I hope you work something out.


Scalding water and baby skin... *shudder*

[caniff]

I asked my wife about your situation with 'practically' having the baby scalded in the bath by the mother-in-law. She said she has never heard of that and thinks the mother-in-law is either a psycho or wants (on some level) to remove the baby.

I don't know, I am just reporting.

[hellofaniceguy]

I'm confused here....you have an eigth month old baby and a family member is doing what you posted.....
seems to me...one of you has a screw or two loose....you for allowing it and her for doing it.
You're the baby's parent! Step up to the plate and act like a parent and take control of the situation. "MIL...I appreciate your wanting to help, etc....but don't! You didn't like anyone, I'm sure, interfering when you were raising your children! Either you stop this and this and whatever or you are not welcome in my house."

[Mr. Pink]

[plattwaz]

Perhaps because my own mother-in-law is not Korean, and is absolutely wonderful, and we don't have children yet, I can't believe how harsh some people are! Saying the OP has a "screw loose" is a little bit harsh, no???

Have YOU ever tried to fight a psuhy Korean ajumma?????

Also, telling MIL to back off and leave things alone can only cause problems between the son and his MIL - it would be worse wouldn't it if everytime she came over she was making problems for the OP? And, the last thing that you want is to cause a family rift between your wife and her mother. Chances are, the mother will win.....

I just think some people have been pretty quick to snap judgement ... granted, I guess I don't really know what I would do in the same situation. You can't ask her to stop coming to visit, she's family! She's your wife's mother! I do think that having your wife speak to her again is the first solution, so that it doesn't get her angry towards you.

Other than that, I can only suggest that your wife is quicker on her toes - obviously grandma likes giving baby a bath, so a few minutes before bath time, have your wife run the water, then suggest to her mother that she bath the baby - "the water's all ready, mom, why don't you give him the bath?" Same with getting dressed - carry the clothes that you chose to her and say "here, why don't you get our son dressed?" (maybe that was not the OP).

Failing that, it's up to your wife to deal with it, I would think. The last thing you want is your MIL hating you.

Good luck!

[seoulsucker]

HOT WATER BURN BABY!!!

[mindmetoo]

A bit off topic, a friend is an ethnic Chinese in the Philippines. She met this 25 year old Korean guy online. Anyway, internet romance. She went to Korea to visit him. And then she met his mother. The mother just laid into her from the first meeting. Chinese? For my son? They are like dogs! And why is your family not in China? Are your mother and father criminals? Just the full court press. So my friend slapped her! Slapped the mother!

Of course the son was totally his mom's lap dog...

[Jamin]

What I find disturbing about this set of postings is the tone of the posts. I see my in-laws two or three times a week. I have travelled with both my father and mother-in-law for extented periods of time. I have made the effort to learn Korean so I can communicate with them. Because I have made the effort to foster a relationship with them we are able to deal with issues as they arrive.

If you treat your wife's family as interlopers then how do you function here? In Korea, having strong relationships with the extended family is concidered normal. I think if you don't try to understand that you are placing a huge burden on your wife and also placing yourself in a situation where YOU will always be seen as an outsider.

Please don't write and say that by definition of not being Korean you are an outsider. The fact is the more effort you make to understand your wife's/husband's culture the less thier family will treat you as an outsider. This is my experience so it must be possible.

Trust me, if you make the effort to create a real relationship with your in-laws your experience here will be richer, there will be less conflict with our wife, and cultural misunderstandings can be dealt with without conflict or disrespect.

[Homer]

[endofthewor1d]

[Corporal]

[Gopher]

[deleted]