Korean Job Discussion Forums

[Oilers Fan]

Hi there everybody. Long-time listener, first caller. I�m writing for some advice. It�s a little embarrassing but I figure the anonymity of this board makes it the perfect place to see if I can get any help. There are two angles to this problem � I can deal with the first, but need some advice on the second.
The first problem is that I have a crush on one of my native speaking co-workers. I suppose that this wouldn�t be a problem if I was single. I am, however, married � but since it�s only a platonic crush, I don�t think it�s a big deal. I mean who doesn�t have a crush on somebody, right? I don�t know about the rest of you who are married or in serious relationships, but I think having crushes isn�t really that big a deal as long as they aren�t taken too seriously. I suppose I may think about my co-worker too often and maybe at inappropriate times, but it�s not like I think about her lustfully or stuff like that. It�s mostly thinking about her while my mind wanders as I�m jogging or whatever. There have been a couple of times that I�ve been daydreaming about her while riding my motorcycle and almost gotten into accidents, but that was only dangerous to myself I guess and not really �bad� as far as my being married goes. Then I guess there was the time at judo after I�d just seen her and I ended up getting thrown on my head since I couldn�t stop thinking about her but again, that was only me that was in danger. Anyways, since I think I think about my co-worker as more of an unreachable ideal than something that I could really possess, I don�t think it�s a big deal.
The problem that I need help with is that my crush on this woman is affecting my job. This is why I�ve chosen this particular forum. Mods � I hope you understand. I�m the co-ordinator of a junior college and although my secret love isn�t in my department, I do have to deal with her and her work performance from time to time. The problem is that she is kind of goofing off on her work responsibilities and the school is getting mad at her. I�m often asked by the administration what the deal is with her and while the professional part of me wants to tell the truth, the romantic in me who secretly loves her won�t allow me to dish out the truth. My co-worker�s infractions are, I suppose, pretty serious and, in all honesty, compromise her teaching for the school as well as the school�s reputation and I know that I should, when asked give answers besides �I think her dog�s sick� or �I think she had to finish class earlier because she had a guitar lesson,� but I just can�t. I feel like it would be a betrayal to the one I love (although she doesn�t know I love her . Things are coming to head however because of some housing issues and I�m getting asked more and more by the school what I think they should do. My co-worker is supposed to leave the country in February and part of me wants to just keep the status quo until then, but the housing thing is a big can of worms and I think it�ll be hard to keep my love�s name unsullied without making things worse. When she leaves in February, I�ll be more than depressed, but I know that I�ll even more than more depressed if I narc on her (and that�s what it would feel like � narcing).
Wow, this is getting long. Sorry. I guess my question to you is what should I do? Should I protect my hidden love at the expense of a professional and honest working environment or should I let the administration know the truth in order to help my school run as good as it possibly can? (I should probably say that I really like working at this school � I�ve been here for years and plan on staying until I leave Korea. They�ve always treated me well and it�s killing me to be torn between them and my secret love). Anyways, thanks for your time and an advance thanks for your advice.

GO OILERS!!

[TheFonz]

Have you talked to her before about her performance issues?

Thats the first step I would take. Talk to her one on one and keep the talk professional. Treat her like anyone else under your supervision, and don't act on any feelings you have towards her. If she doesn't improve or doesn't take you seriously, tell your supervisor. Do not let her get away with poor performance just because she is cute and you have a crush on her.

As for the thinking about her constantly. Next time you feel your mind wonder think about your wife and how she would feel if she knew you were interested in another woman. I imagine your feelings would be hurt if she had a similar crush on someone other than you. Of course I can emphatize with you being a guy, but constantly thinking about someone other than your wife can only hurt your relationship with her. Anyway good luck with your situation and I hope everything turns out for the best.

[Reason.]

Seems pretty simple to me.

What's more important here? Protecting your "love" for a girl that is merely a crush? Or keeping the heat off of your neck when things begin to turn sour in the workplace? Afterall, you do have a wife, so your feelings for this girl should be moot at this point. Because pretty soon, when the school gets fed up w/ this chicks antics and nothing ie being done about it, they're going to turn to YOU.

Now is it really worth all of that trouble?

[Demophobe]

You are a married man. Do your job and put her in her place. I only comment on the married part, not as a moral judgement (even though your post may really hurt your wife), but that you have no business involving her in your fantasy in any way.

Work is work, even for single people. You are responsible to correct her behavior.

[Zark]

One responsibility of a professional type position - is that you have to act professionally.

Talk to her - straighten it out. Be straight up and honest with the school and with her. Look at all the locked up anxiety in your writing. Take a couple hours and sort the whole thing out and you will feel far better.

A crush is a crush - enjoy it! But, don't blow your job over it.

And - be realistic. It is just a crush - if you really ever went out you would probably end up hating each other . . .

[tomato]

Hello, Oilers Fan!

Don't suppress your next fantasy, analyze it. As the fantasy rolls through your imagination, continually ask yourself two questions:

1. What am I assuming about the other person?

2. For each assumption, what evidence do I have to make that assumption?

Every time the imaginary Ermintrude speaks, ask, "Why do I think she would say that?" Every time the imaginary Ermintrude acts, ask, "Why do I think she would act that way?"

You might see Ermintrude with strengths. She might not possess those strengths in real life. Or you might see her weaknesses, but imagine her following your guidance in overcoming those weaknesses. She might not be so cooperative in real life.

When we make daydreams about another person, we create a fictional character who may or may not resemble that person in real life. That is why we have so much trouble getting along with each other: because the other person in real life won't follow the script.

It is tempting to think that the other person will comply if we only point to the line in the script, but it is not that simple. When you try to impress the other person, that person will not be impressed. When you try to convert the other person to a religion or a political party, that person will not convert. When you try to discuss one of your favorite topics, the other person will know nothing about that topic.

When I was in high school, I was infatuated with a girl who took violin lessons from the same teacher whom I took violin lessons from. I imagined her as a serious violin student. The bubble broke when I learned that she spent a whole hour every morning ratting her hair--time that I thought could be put to more constructive use. Besides, by that time I lost her to a rival classmate anyway.

I am reminded of a client who told his shrink that he kept hallucinating snakes in his bedroom. The shrink asked him to describe the snakes. He said, "They are icky and slimy and yukky." The shrink said, "You will have to look closer next time, because I need more information that that." The next time the snakes appeared, the client did as instructed. But since the snakes were not real, they could not survive the inspection.

Take a close look at Ermintrude the next time she appears in your dreams. She might disappear for the same reason.

How to Fall Out of Love by Debora Phillips and Robert Judd is a good book:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0446314080/sr=8-1/qid=1150247560/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-1340621-1471209?%5Fencoding=UTF8

[Yu_Bum_suk]

Get the irresponsible idiot sacked and you can still keep having whatever fantasies you like.

My super-hot co-worker got fired / forced to quit last year and we're still friends. I tell her 'I think you made a stupid decision' (faking sick leave being the final straw) and I think she understands. When my co-workers, who didn't get along with her, ask me about her I say 'we're still friends; I just think she made a stupid decision' and they understand.

When it came to actual teaching, though, she was so much better than her replacement...

[EFLtrainer]

Nobody else sees this as a troll post? Isn't it all just a bit too obvious? There's not even anything to debate. Unless, that is, the OP is 15 years old.

[Gideon]

First you start off with a "crush" you have.. and then at the end your talking about a "secret love"..

com'on, sounds like you want some honey for your bear..

BUT your married.. hmm..

Question : Is this feeling you have on your crush reciprocal? How does she feel toward you? Does she know about this crush?

Basically you have to obvious options, both arn't good:

1) Give in to your desires and release that built up subconcious lust

2) Be a good husband and do the right thing.. Fire her a%S

Alhough I'd most likely get some honey for my bear.. but um single.. --> i dont think that last line helped u much. opps

Do the right thing and release her from you "crush".. you'll be glad in the end you did.. or maybe you'll regret it.. your call man..

keep the details comming..

[poet13]

I dont understand how there could be a question of what to do. You are a professional. Act like one.

I dont know whether to file the whole post under hypothetical ethics or immature schoolboy fantasies.

[flotsam]

[bellum99]

This is sad....you have posted one of the most truely boring posts. Give me back the 5 minutes it took read your lame post.

[jacl]

Telling her to shape up or ship out is out of hand. You could sort of offer advice on things in a nice way. If she doesn't catch on, at least you've done your job. No one wants someone to tell them what to do. Directness is a touchy thing unless it's coming from the head honcho (which you aren't). Even then it can be quite annoying. People don't take criticism very well.

Ask yourself if it's really your job to tell her how to do her job. Yes, you're a coordinator, but what does that entail? Probably offering help and some advice. Be careful.

This is all separate from your crush. If she continues to act like a knob, it's not your fault. I wouldn't even worry about it. It's not like you can change people. If your boss is complaining about her, then just tell him/her that you tried. Whatever. All you can do is show people how it's done and offer encouragement.

About the crush thing? Don't be so wishy washy. "Oh! I love her!" You figure that out. Infatuation is just that. You just want to ding her. You ding one, you wanna ding 'em all.

You know what? I wish people would grow the hell up. Just because you're being nice to someone doesn't mean that you want to get down their pants.

And remember this:

Love is only a light switch away.

[jacl]

[jajdude]

I guess a lot of people have had a thing for a co-worker at one time or another. It's easy to understand, when you see the person all time, spend time chatting, even going out in groups sometimes, how this can happen. It can especially affect the single and lonely foreigner who may not be meeting many people outside of work. I don't think it's a bad thing for co-workers to hook up, as long as it's discreet, if that's possible. There could be problems though, as there could be in any other "interest. "