Korean Job Discussion Forums

[GentleSusan]

I know one or two people thought it was inappropriate for me to take my marital problems with my Korean wife on here but I don't know anyone else who has married into this particular culture.

Today's topic: "The Silent Treatment" any of you ever get this. When she's upset she absolutely refuses to talk or even acknowledge me. It's incredibly hurtful. She says this is what a woman must do in Korea to make her husband obey.

Empathy anyone?

[poet13]

I wouldn't bring my troubles here. I think I would find someone who is married into this culture, and PM them if you have to.... Good luck.

[OCOKA Dude]

[mindmetoo]

The silent treatment is a universal. Although now that I think of it, I seem to notice Korean women do pull it a bit more than western women.

[RACETRAITOR]

Coming from another married guy, my advice is outsilence her or apologise first.

[GentleSusan]

We just seem to have a lot of dumb fights. It's absurd - I'm 35, she's 29 yet we carry on like adolescents. Been together (off and on) for eight years...

The pattern: I say something hurtful (accidentally), she goes silent because she's so upset and doesn't talk for a few days (even after I apologize profusely). I take off because I hate being shunned in my own home and then after a few days she wants me to come back.

It's embarrasing. Anybody else have communication problems with their Korean wife/girlfriend and want to share stories? Please private message me...

[seoulshock]

Geez... just get a divorce now while you're still relatively young.

You probably know it's going to happen eventually anyway.

Or at least make it clear to her if she continues this kind of crap -- where you actually have to go on eslcafe for advice -- that you'll divorce her. And mean it!

[riley]

It's passive agressive stuff. My wife would be quiet to me and wouldn't tell me that she was angry or why. I told her that I'd like to know why it made her angry so that it could be fixed. She would say that she wasn't angry. After that happened a couple of times, I walked out of the house because I was pissed and went on a long walk with the phone off. After a couple of hours, she wanted to talk to me but couldn't and that made her worried. Then she would talk. After a couple of times of doing that in response to her not talking, she realized that it wasn't helping and we've started talking about it more. I've also gotten smarter too about how to act in our relationship.
A walk was also a good idea for me as it helped me to cool down and think.

[Wrench]

Divorce = solution to all marraige problems

[mateomiguel]

I've never been married but this really has nothing to do with culture. This is normal, classic marital problems.

Check out a marriage counselor?

[frankly speaking]

First of all, don't really come here for advice. No one here knows you or the situation you are in.

As stated before, passive agressive silent treatments are universal. An ex-girlfriend of mine in the states was a queen at them. Hence the reason for EX.

When I first got married, there were serious problems in our marriage. My wife had never been involved in a relationship and didn't know how to cooperate as a team.

One thing to remind your wife is that you love her and that the marriage is the only thing that you have in this world. Tell her that you live in Korea where you are treated and always will be a foreigner. When she shuts you out, you feel that you are alone and have no-one. You have sacrificed everything in your life to live with her in Korea and she needs to be supportive and understanding. Tell her that when she shuts you out, it brings you closer to the end. Every fight is one step to divorce. So that both of you need to pick your battles. Tell her that she is going to end the marriage by doing this. That you are willing to work on everything that you do that hurts her.

The other thing is "give her space" Don't ask her what's wrong. When she is being silent, pick up a good book and read. Tell her that you love her and let it go at that.

Doing back to her wouldn't help in the long run either. Shutting her out as punishment sometimes just makes it worse.

Good luck. Remember that over 80% of all Korean interacial marriages end in divorce. Don't be a statistic, do what it takes to work out the problems.

[GentleSusan]

Thanks Frankly Speaking. Where do you get that stat? Are you married to a Korean too?

[cj1976]

She's a woman, so she is always right. Never disagree with her or disobey. Always act like you're interested in what she's saying even if she talks during the footy.
If she gives you the silent treatment, don't keep on asking "what have I done this time?". You are supposed to be telephathic and be able to read her mind.
Say you are sorry and you didn't mean to do it - even if it hurts like hell to say this. After that, she might come round. Maybe.

[mole]

[jajdude]

Sorry, I'm confused. "GentleSusan" is a guy right?