Korean Job Discussion Forums

[gotte00]

conservative parents. i've started dating a girl several months ago and things are fantastic. we're really into each other and love spending time together, but the problem is her parents. she works loads so i don't really get a chance to see her much during the week, when i do get time with her on the weekends it's usually for just a few hours because her parents want her to stay home and rest or she spends time with her friends and/or sister. i have no problem with her spending time with friends/family, but why are her parents treating her like a child?

i've been here for a few years now and have had one other fairly serious relationship and never had a problem with curfews, lying to family, etc. this is actually the first relationship i've had here or in the states when i've dealt with this. why do koreans treat their adult children like babies? this is one of the reasons why i feel many people here are so immature. how can you grow with someone if you can't spend quality time with them? sleep next to them from time to time, take trips, etc. i'm not even thinking on a sexual level either.

i'd like to hear from anyone in a similar situation that can lend some advice. it's tough being in a relationship at my age and feel like i'm in high school all over again. i just don't know how to handle this situation as it's brand new for me. while i respect the cultural difference, i don't understand this aspect of the culture. could someone please give me some advice?

[rhys01]

been there.
Acctually I'm sure a lot of people reading this have!! I was with my girlfriend for two years, 1 yr spent outside of Korea - that was fine - then the next in Korea - and had to deal with everything you mention - curfews, lying etc etc... apparently she felt they would never accept a white hogwan teacher who didnt have a real job or 'prospects' as it would bring embarressment to the family. fair enough!!! but dont expect the situation to change unless your willing to make some big changes - trust me - before long she'll be asking you when your going to have enough money so that she can present you to the family without shame! and if and when you do get introduced you dont expect a nice cosy welcome - they'll do everything they can to kick you out of her life. It sucks, when you get a K family who are ultra conservative - your life is going to made an absolute nightmare.
good luck.

[Satori]

You're wanting us to explain to you why Korean culture is like it is. Not possible. All we can do is explain how it will be for you and some advice. As stated above, its not going to change, at least not for a long time. You'd have to be on track to marrying her before she could introduce you, and then things will ease up. Otherwise, just accept it, and roll with it.

[rhys01]

yeah by the way - sorry if I sounded a little negative!!! But you should know that when you get involved with a very conservative family you have to understand that however much it sucks and whatever you think of her family - thats her family and it isnt going to change just because it seems totaly wrong to you. To be fair they see it as protecting their daughter - and she's not going to want to ruin her relationship with her family because she's met you. No one can tell you whats gonna happen, and sometimes these things work out - I hope i does for you - but be aware that most of these situations dont end happily! the only way you're likely to meet this family is when you have bought the rings and have a nice stable future planned - and after that its going to be far from plain sailing. My advice? after just a few months - just take it easy, have fun, but dont expect too much because thats how guys get burnt over here!
again - good luck!

[ScottyG]

this is why dating in korea is a bitter sweet paradise. in some ways these problems you speak of increase the allure of the girl. you never get your full fill...so you lavishly feast on any crumb you can get your hands on. like the one night in three months where she manages to lie about an MT, instead running off with you to go skiing and spend the night in a nice hotel. The love never gets to fully blossom, and nor does it fully wilt from "familiarity" leading to "contempt." Dating the good Korean girl from the good Korean family is a waste of time if she hasnt been abroad, doesnt want to live abroad, and can't spend her life with you if you were um......unique enough to stay here for your entire life. I for one would never raise mixed children here and allow them to go through the education factory mill. Haynes Ward or no Haynes Ward. Korean's are generally unaccepting, but they sure like to pretend they try.

On the flip side of the coin, I have friends living with their Korean girlfriends in secret. These girls are the misfits, often with missing father figures, and while most of them are pretty cool, a few of them are recycled hakwon kreachers (korean teachers).

After having had a few girlfriends here at varying levels of seriousness, and dealt with exactly the same situation you are going through, I have kind of given up on marrying a Korean girl, though I would like to marry and Asian girl. Having lived in China as well, I can say it is a much different situation there with its own group of entirely different problems. I think Japan is probably they best place for mixed romances and love. My friends who live there even STAY at the family home of their girlfriends at times.

[Green Tea]

Green Tea's first rule of dating*: Never date a woman who still lives with her parents!

Date university students from out of town who live in the city alone, or young professionals who share communal flats.






*By the way, I'm happily married, partly because of this rule.

[JZer]

[mindmetoo]

My friend is 30something. Has a child. Lives at home. She had to ask her mother permission to take her own baby out. It's a bit better now that he's 3. But when he was sub-2, she had to defer to her mother.

Young Koreans owe their parents everything, including obedience and submission to their authority. Remember, this is a pay as you go society. Parents spend thousands of dollars to send their kids to public school. It is no secret to children the financial burden they place upon their parents. And that english she uses on her dates with you was probably paid for by her parents. Koreans women are well aware they have one way to pay back their parents: do exactly what they want and, ideally, marry a Korean male and produce full blooded Korean babies.

[ajgeddes]

One of my best friends here has a similar situation. He has been dating his GF for over 4 years now. She is 31 or 32 our age and has to be home by 11PM every night, no exceptions. It used to be 12AM, but when her parents found out she was dating a foreigner, they changed it to 11PM. This year, they had a vacation planned to China, and when the parents heard she was going to China (they didn't even know who with) they just planned a family trip to Thailand and made her go. He has been able to deal with it, and eventually she will break free, so don't just give up.

[Zyzyfer]

Don't date women who still live at home if you're looking for a serious relationship.

[jaganath69]

Just do what I did and get a GF from a different Asian country.

[butlerian]

Bear in mind that not all Korean girls fit the stereotypes commented on above. I have been with a Korean girl now for around eight months and not only have I met her parents and stayed at their home, but her mum has even came to stay at our place when she was passing by. One day with an adjumma and my apartment was looking cleaner than it ever has before.

So, remember, not all Koreans are very conservative. My girlfriend, despite not speaking English fluently, has got along fine with me and her parents have not minded the situation at all, despite her living with me. The only people who have so far complained have been my Korean co-teachers who displayed their shock and dismay at my daring to live with a Korean girl before marriage.

[ScottyG]

i know it is wrong to have this impression, but it seems those kinds of situations won't be found with upper-class koreans, and, if anything, those on the lower end of the financial and stuatus quo. sounds like Thailand.

[RACETRAITOR]

Rule number 1: don't share a girl with Jesus. He's not a good 구멍동서.

[ajgeddes]